Marco Rubio Wins A State, Still Second-Place Champion Of Our Hearts

Aww, serial state-loser Marco Rubio finally won a place! We wonder, though, if this means he'll have to bow out of his run for Second-Place President of the United States of America? Aww, poor Marco; no matter what he does, he can't help but lose!

Super Tuesday was not looking like an auspicious evening for one Marco Antwerp Rubio. One after another, states he was hoping to steal fell to Trump's Donslaught. He lost Virginia and Vermont when dumb papyrus-skinned John Kasich refused to get the hell out of the way, despite desperate entreaties from Republican party bigwigs. Oklahoma decided to go to with Ted Cruz, which is roughly equivalent to having your girlfriend dump you for a dude with a coke pinkie who wears a cape all the time. Arkansas couldn't make up its mind at first, but ultimately decided it wanted to go to the homecoming dance with Trump. The only person Rubio was consistently beating was Ben Carson, who we're pretty sure spent the evening forlornly playing harmonica by himself in an empty, decrepit ballroom.

All evening, WaPo's board was lighting up with either Donald Trump's Infected Bruise Purple or Ted Cruz's Electric Piss Yellow. Marco's only hope appeared to be to lose all the actual real U.S. states, then rake in huge delegate totals in the crucial Narnia, Gondor, Hogwarts, Ankh-Morpork, and Tatooine (the Tusken Raiders think he has an excellent tax plan) primaries.

But then! THEN! Suddenly, the board saw a flash of what we at first thought was some sort of monitor error resulting from spilling soy sauce on our computer last week, but was actually Marco Rubio's Horrific Skin Condition Orange!

Rubio had been rescued by Minnesota, the ... the ... wait, what the hell is Minnesota's state nickname, again? The Fake Nice State? The Cold As Balls State? Wait, hold on, it's the "Gopher State." Seriously? All right, Minnesota, you do you. Anyway, Rubio apparently did well with some ground-dwelling rodents, because Minnesota done saved his Super Tuesday bacon and also probably his entire presidential campaign!

Now that he has Marcomentum after winning one thing in like eleventy million chances, the sky is the limit for Marco! Will he go on to win the primary in his home state of Florida? (No.) Will he go on to claim the Republican nomination for president? (Hell no.) Will he become commander-in-chief of this here United States of America? (HA HA HA HA WE LAUGH WITH COPIOUS MIRTH.)

So congratulations, Marco, you won something! FYI, this is better than losing. We know you need this clarified, on account of not being able to count to potato. 

[ WaPo / BuzzFeed News ]