Discover more from Wonkette
May All Our Shoes Be Satan Shoes
If only to make Kristi Noem unhappy.
This weekend, following the release of Lil Nas X's music video for "MONTERO (Call Me By Your Name)," in which he gave Satan a lapdance, he released his very own line of sneakers, which he is calling "Satan Shoes." He will be selling 666 pairs of revamped Air Max '97's, each with 666 embroidered on the side and filled with 66 CCs of red ink and one drop of actual human blood.
Naturally, the religious right has lost its goddamned mind over it. And it's truly been beautiful.
"We now live in a world where Nike Satan shoes made with real human blood are a real thing but Dr. Seuss books are banned. Our world is broken AF.
Lil Nas X can literally give satan a lap dance in his music video, and release a pair of satan shoes, and people still don't believe that there are satan worshippers in the music industry. That's the level of delusion we're dealing with.
Candace Owens being mad at these shoes, George Floyd and Cardi B. Nothing new to see here.
Satanic Nike shoe with human blood inside that mocks the word of God in Luke 10: 18, while it also has the number 666 and the Satanic pentagram on it. Are atheists awake yet?
Lil Nas X's troll is masterful, given that QAnon people have long been obsessed with the belief that celebrities wear red shoes to signify their interest in eating babies in Satanic rituals (or even that these shoes are made from actual human baby leather). It's also served to make absolute goddamned fools of people who have spent the better part of the last several years sobbing about cancel culture.
Especially since some of them went so far as to say the shoes should be "canceled." Including South Dakota GOP Governor Kristi Noem:
This is outrageous, disgusting and perverted and on #PalmSundayno less. Somehow @lilnasx thinks that Satanic worship should be mainstream and normal. I don't think there have been better candidates to cancel than LilNasX and these shoes.
I mean, she can try to do that, but I would think that for whoever would spend $1,000 on Satanic shoes, Kristi Noem trying to "cancel" them would be a bonus. Given that they've already sold out, it looks like she missed her chance.
As governor of South Dakota, Noem should know she represents whatever Satanists are living there, and refrain from denigrating their religion. Every American has the constitutionally protected right to be a Satanist if they want. Does Kristi Noem hate the Constitution?
Lil Nas X took care of her though.
Kaitlin Bennett — the gun girl who rose to fame on a pile of adult diapers — even decided to get racist about it.
He's got the right idea here, and I'm not kidding. We should all just declare ourselves "Satan Worshipers," I am Spartacus -style, just to shut these people up. We should declare all of the shoes to be Satan Shoes so they have to go barefoot. And not even just shoes. Food! Movies! Drinks! More music than they already think is Satanic! Make is so they can't do anything without it being "Satanic."
Then maybe they can stop making everyone's lives hell with their ridiculous accusations and threats. Pun intended.
Actual "Satan Worshipers" do not really exist, largely because the people who believe in Literal Satan From The Christian Bible are Christians. Satanists, at least LaVeyan Satanists, are just super aggro atheists. Theistic Satanists are fairly few and far between, and mostly Nazis . And even they aren't going around worshiping Satan as Christians understand Satan. There is nothing in real life that bears any resemblance at all to the kind of Michelle Remembers nonsense the Christian Right thinks is happening all over. And quite frankly, at this point it's obnoxious that they keep insisting upon it.
I would say "How long can you believe something is going on without having a single piece of evidence for it?" but I think we already have our answer to that one.
The fact is, the Christian right has been responsible for far more evil and caused more damage to society in its quest to root out "Satanism" and "demonic influences." That's just a fact. Even if we don't count the witch trials, in which they murdered young women because they thought Satan gave them magic powers, it's a fact.
For years, they claimed Satanists were out there trying to molest children. They sent innocent people to prison, they tore families apart, and created a toxic environment where people were terrified their kids were constantly in danger of being molested by Satanists, and where good people were terrified of being accused of doing that and having their lives ruined.
And yet, it turned out the child molestation calls were coming from inside the house. I don't know how you go through the kind of massive and far reaching child sex abuse scandal the Catholic church did, or Josh Duggar, or however many thousands of incidents of pastors and clergy molesting kids, and still manage to get all het up over imaginary Satanists and their apparent intrinsic desire to hurt children. But they do .
Speaking of hurting children, how many kids have to live through self-righteous holy rollers telling them they're going to hell for being gay or non-Christian or different in some way?
How many kids had to live in turmoil and fear that if they came out their parents or friends wouldn't love them anymore? How many adults still have to live through it?
How often do we hear "How can you hate me, your fellow American, just for having a different opinion than you do?" from the same bigots claiming everyone who disagrees with them is going to burn for all eternity?
What Lil Nas X is doing is taking just a little bit of their power away, and it's beautiful. I hope they're unhappy. They deserve it.
Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!