Hey Baby, It's Me, Measles. Thanks For Taking Me Back, I've Missed You!

Let's never part again.

Wow, honey, I thought you would have moved after all these years. But I do like what you’ve done with the place. It could use some more forest, though, I don’t know why you got rid of so much forest. And the air’s quite a bit dirtier, maybe you should open some windows occasionally? Maybe buy an air purifier?

Sorry! I’m sorry! There I go, being judgmental again. I know you hate that, and I promised I’d be better if you gave me a second chance.

And baby, I really am grateful for this second chance. Truly. I’ve been lonely all these years without you.

Oh sure, over the years I’ve tried to forget you. I’ve traveled, like I said. Been all over the place, in fact. Pakistan, sub-Saharan Africa. Places where vaccine usage isn’t as widespread as it is here and living conditions let me thrive. Crowded slums, baby, I’ve seen a lot of those. And believe me, nothing will make you appreciate America more than a few months in a Brazilian favela. 

I felt like I had been exiled, like I was a vampire prowling the back alleys of the earth at night, preying on the occasional victim who had ventured out into the darkness here and there, living in the shadows, hated by the living. Limited to tiny pockets in America like the Westside of Los Angeles and its numerous private schools, or central Ohio, where an outbreak of me currently has hit 77 kids and hospitalized about a third of them.

Is that Mr. Dimples? Wow, he’s gotten old. Think he remembers me? Hi, Mr. Dimples! It’s me, your old buddy! Aw, he’s climbing right into my lap like I never left.

God, remember the old days, sweetie? When we wouldn’t go anywhere, just spend the entire day in bed together. Sure it was because you had an awful rash and conjunctivitis and a fever of 103, but I really treasured those times.

Hey, you know what I’d like to do? Let’s have covid over for dinner. After all, he’s the one who made this second chance possible. Before he came along in 2019, only 23 percent of Americans disagreed that vaccines to protect against me should be required for their kids to go to school. Now after three years of idiots lying about the covid vaccine and its possible side effects, that number is up to 35 percent .

Isn’t that great? Fully a third of America’s parents think that not only should their kids not have to get the covid vaccine, but that they also shouldn’t have to get the measles vaccine either. Can you believe it? After all these decades!

Yep, rubella and mumps too! Let’s have them over when we invite covid. They should also be celebrating.

Oh yeah, Tucker Carlson as well! And Donald Trump! And really all of rightwing media. So much of their fear-mongering over the covid vaccine got us to where we are today! I mean, 44 percent of Republican parents now think vaccine mandates against me shouldn’t be required for their kids to go to school because FREEDOM or something. That’s double the number of Republicans from three years ago. That’s some amazing work.

Hey, do you still have that book I gave you ? The one by that Australian lady about how awesome I am, how getting me when you’re a kid will help you become stronger and more mature when you grow up? I loved that book. All those happy kids with red bumps on their tummies! Adorable!

What? You got rid of it? Amazon won’t even sell it anymore? Social media companies have been cracking down? Ethicists say misinformation is leading to epidemics and “putting people at risk”?

I mean, yeah! Duh! It’s not like I exist to not put people at risk. I’m measles! Not an adorable kitty like Mr. Dimples here.

Has Robert Kennedy Jr. been informed about this? I’d imagine he’s pretty mad.

What’s that? Well of course I’m proud! Do you know how much meditating I did in Himalayan monasteries while I was traveling the world getting in touch with the inner me? How many self-actualization workshops I’ve attended to become comfortable enough in my own skin to make people itch like hell in theirs?

Baby, don’t be like that. We just got back together. Think of all the time we’ve missed that we can never get back. All the hospitalizations we’ve never caused, the frantic runs to emergency rooms because a fever spiked. How good we were when we had classrooms full of small children with not-yet-fully-developed immune systems to play in. All those tender lungs to infect!

We can have that again, sweetie. I thought that was why you called me. I thought you wanted me to infect the 90 percent of you who get exposed to me and haven’t taken the simple precaution of getting vaccinated.

We had so many laughs together. Remember how we used to laugh when we heard people say the vaccine against me causes autism? Did you know that chicken pox started that rumor? I have to hand it to him, that was genius.

That’s more like it, honey. Come sit here on the couch with Mr. Dimples and me. But maybe grab a thermometer and some fluids and some calamine lotion first. A lot of calamine lotion. We’ve got a lot of making up to do, if you get my drift.

[ CNN ]

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