Meghan Dusts Off Her Dueling Pistols, While Bill Nelson Testifies With His Giant Snake
Meghan McCain Twitter-biographerMEGHAN McCAINhas special maternal feelings for sexy senatorLINDSEY GRAHAM (R-SC), who served with distinction as First Mate aboard the Straight Talk Express. The two were practically inseparable on the campaign trail, and during long cold nights, Lindsey would often sit on Meghan'sWARM LAPas she French-braided hisGOLDEN TOUPEE. But now Meghan's Little Lindsey-Lamb has received volleys of disrespect from conservatives for saying he might "vote Yea forWISE SOTOMAYOR-AY!" Are these smack-talkers prepared to duel Meghan, on Twitter, usingTRADITIONAL FLINTLOCK BLACKBERRY MACHINES? Because that is the price they must pay, for dishonoring Lindsey Graham so thoroughly ....
Speaking ofLATINOS! Actor-director-wrestler shardDAVID ARQUETTE believes there are many Latino women in the world, some of them wise, but othersPLUM DUMB CRAZY! He learned this interesting tidbit while pretending to violently thrash a grown man in spandex with aPIECE OF WOOD....
Outrageous reptile assassinSENATOR BILL NELSON (D-FL)testified before an Environment and Public Works hearing with a20-FOOT LONG BASILISK delicately woven around the witness table, for aesthetic purposes. Gossip connoisseurs claim Nelson came across the venomous serpent -- an invasive species indigenous toJ. K. ROWLING WIZARD TREATISES-- while tromping around the Everglades, stoned. And like an obedient Democrat, the senator promptly taxed the poor serpentTO DEATHand then aborted "56 eggs ready to hatch" from its mushy snake womb. Nelson celebrated with arguably the most deliciousFLORIDA PYTHON OMELETever, a feast of cheddar cheese and egg yolks exceeded only byANDREW JACKSONafter he slaughtered1,000 PREGNANT SEMINOLE INDIAN PYTHONSforSUNDAY BRUNCH, in 1818. That's how the West was won!
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