Melania Trump Warns Americans About Evil Cyber-Bullies, Like Her Husband
RESCUE ME!
Melania Trump, she exists! The wife of Donald Trump, who does not like the campaign trail and might maybe file for divorce 48 hours after her husband loses the election, hit the campaign trail on Thursday, and she said a speech! Now, we're not sure which Michelle Obama speech she pilfered this time, but at least there were lines about how she was a little girl in Slovenia, so we're guessing her speechwriter at least removed the proper nouns and delivered it to her Mad Libs-style this time.
It was a serviceable speech. An immigrant model lady with a thick accent told a buncha good old boys in Pennsylvania that the meaning of America is that "if you could dream it, you could become it," which Rebecca noted in the Wonket Chatcave is pretty much the same thing as Dr. Frank-N-Furter's "Don't Dream It, Be It" thing. And if you combine that with that time she managed to drop a Rick-Roll during her RNC speech, we can only conclude her speechwriter also is a bit of a prankster. (Or maybe she plagiarized Marla Maples, according to one report on the internet!)
You can watch the whole thing if you wanna, but we just want to zero in on the part where she talked about how she worries about protecting children from regular bullies and cyber-bullies and HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, DOES SHE EVEN KNOW WHO SHE'S MARRIED TO? Maybe if she wanted to do something about bullying, she could remove the tongue and short Twitter fingers of the actual, childish bully who suffocates her with his Big Orange Gross-Body each evening. Just a thought!
Here's what Melania says she's worried about, and wants to work on if she's first lady:
I do worry about all of our children. As we know, now social media is the centerpiece of our lives. It can be a useful tool for connection and communication. It can ease the isolation that so many people feel in the modern world. [...]
But like anything that is powerful, it can have a bad side. We have seen this already. As adults, many of us are able to handle mean words, even lies. Children and teenagers can be fragile. They are hurt when they are made fun of, or made to feel less in looks or intelligence. This makes their life hard, and can force them to hide and retreat.
Our culture has gotten too mean and too rough, especially to children and teenagers. It is never OK when a 12-year-old girl or boy is mocked, bullied, or attacked. It is terrible when that happens on the playground, and it's especially unacceptable when it's done by someone with no name hiding on the internet.
OK, we're gonna cut off this feel-good love-fest right here, because fuck that noise. Of course, we agree with her sentiments, but Donald fucking Trump is the YOOGEST insulter of people based on their looks and intelligence on planet Earth. Just take a gander at the New York Times 's list of all the people the Spray-Tanned Dipshit has bullied on Twitter. Megyn Kelly, Alicia Machado, Katy Tur, John McCain, Jon Stewart, random TV shows ... holy fuck.
We're sorry, but we just do not buy that somebody who bangs Donald Trump is qualified to save America's children from bullying, especially since teachers around America are seeing a rise in schoolyard bullying among kids and actually calling it "The Trump Effect."
Then again, she said it's "especially unacceptable" when people do cyber-bullying anonymously, so maybe her real message is "At least my misogynistic pig-fucker husband does it from his verified Twitter account!"
PFFFFFFFFFT!
We don't know how Melania's little pep talk really went over with the Trump crowd, but we're gonna guess at least 40% of the men in the audience elbowed their buddies and said, "Can't understand that funny accent, but she's a piece of ass! Git 'er done, Mr. Trump, git 'er done!"
The other 60% went home, locked themselves in the bathroom and Googled "Melania Trump nudie pics" on their Obamaphones.
(Allegedly.)
[ Time ]
Guys, be nice. She's an immigrant. Slovenes don't have a word for irony.
You'll be safe here. I could not resist this, though.
If we are mark'd to lose, we have time enoughTo do our country loss; and if to win,The fewer hours, the sooner our share of honour.God's will! I pray thee, wish not one day more.
By Jove, I am not covetous for gold,Nor care I who doth feed upon crab legs;It burns me not if men do women’s garments wear, or bathrooms use;Such things dwell not over much in my throughts.But if it be a sin to want a democratic presidency, and Supreme Court,I am the most offending soul alive.
Rather proclaim it, Suffragette City, throughout Wonkette,That she which hath no stomach to this fight,Let her vote early; so her passport can be made,And Cancun in November put into her schedule;We would not deprive her of that opportunityDespite fears that fellow’s voters would hinder us.
This day will be call’d the feast of Clinton.She that early votes this day, and comes safe home,Will stand a tip-toe when this day is nam'd,And rouse her at the name of Clinton.She that votes this day, and live to see old age,Will yearly on the vigil feast her neighbours,And say "To-morrow is Madame Clinton’s Day."Then will she strip her blouse and show her voting sticker,And say "This I had on Clinton's day."
Old women forget; yet all shall be forgot,But she'll remember, with advantages,What votes she did that day. Then shall their names,Familiar in her mouth as household words—Barry the King, Biden and Michelle,Kaine and Bernie, Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi -- Be in her flowing cup freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good liberal teach each child;And Clinton’s Day shall ne'er go by,From this day to the ending of the world,But we in it shall be remembered-We few, we happy few, we band of Wonketters;For she to-day that votes and bleeds from her wherever with meShall be my sister; be she ne'er so bitchy,This day shall gentle her condition;And millennials who that day stay a-bedShall think themselves accurs'd they did not vote,And hold themselves cheap whiles any speaksThat voted early and often with us upon Madame Clinton’s day.