Melania's New Christmas Hell House Is Up
Make the Yuletide BLOOD again.
Do you remember this festive scene from last Christmas at the White House?
Do you remember that scene because it haunts your nightmares? Is it possible you died there? Is your mom Winona Ryder and you are trying to communicate with her through the Christmas lights because you are trapped in an alternate dimension and it is calledMelania Trump's Christmas Hell Housethe Upside Down?
Well, get ready, because it's Christmastime at the White House again, and this year the theme is BLOOD.
You can see in the early renderings of the design for the HALL OF BLOOD that the theme was going to be BLOOD.
We apologize. We just got a call from the Wonkette Factchecking Department, and they told us to please allow for at least the possibility that Stephen Miller helped with the design and that was supposed to be a hall of KKK grand wizard hats. So this is us, allowing for that possibility!
Whatever it is, here it comes, and it is BLOODY FURRY KKK GRAND WIZARD HATS.
This is appropriate. It's depressing as hell, it's ugly as all fuck, and it looks clumpy and overgrown and fake. Melania Trump designed a hallway that looks like her husband's naked body.
Watch out, kids! Here comes the first lady, and she is going to tear-gas you with BAD TASTE!
Some of the other trees aren't bad. Barron probably did them.
There is also some themed thing where there are decorations that look like the skylines of cities that wouldn't be caught dead voting for Donald Trump, so we guess those are fine. Oh hey, New York, HAPPYTHE PURGEHOLIDAYS, LOVE MELANIA!
Here's a close-up of a non-blood tree with a #BeBest ornament and what appears to be some sort of stray red panty:
Awwwww, it is the first lady looking at her wreath! And her wreath looks like a ... turkey-shaped firework having a brain aneurysm? Sure why not, it's Christmas.
Oh but look closer, dear sweet children. Go stand there next to the first lady of the United States, who is the exact opposite of a stranger, so don't you even worry about that! You see that?
It's another fucking #BeBest thing. Made out of pencils. With a big ol' gaping anus in the middle because Jesus Christ.
Can you imagine if Michelle Obama had plastered her Let's Arugula! slogans all over the Christmas decorations ? Fox News would have literally died, and for once, we might have halfway agreed with them .
But no, we are going to pretend this is "good" and "classy."
These trees appear to be made of green beans and dead leaves with a fucking bird on top:
These trees appear to be bleeding from the bottom, to remind us this Christmas that some people (Donald) are sick underneath .
Oh no, it's climbing up the poles! Before we know it, it will have infected the sconces!
Oh no, where is the first lady going? Meh, she is probably going to go fire the secretary of State for looking at her funny.
Anyway, have yourself a merry little Christmas, make the Yuletide BLOOD.
From now on your troubles will be MAGNIFIED BY ALL THE BLOOD.
In most holy baby Jesus's name, Amen.
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HI. IT IS THE HOLIDAYS. WE WOULD LIKE TO PAY OUR WRITERS PLEASE. IF YOU ARE THANKFUL FOR US, MAYBE SOME MONEY?
Melanie is what her fat assed husband called her in a tweet when she got out of the hospital. Keep up...
Is English your first language? I'd hate to assume it wasn't!
So maybe you could learn to use it properly. I'd tell you what mistakes you made, in order to help you become a better person, but it's obvious you're not ever getting any better from the real perfect peach you already are! I'll leave them (and there are several) as an exercise for the reader to figure out.
I'd also apologize for jumping to conclusions, which is such a terrible thing to do, right? Except nah, that won't be necessary. I'd point out all the examples in your posts here where you assume things about the posters, but again, you're perfect already, no needing to fix anything in that sphere!
And look, no matter what any of your friends say, YOU aren't a hypocrite, because I doubt they know the word, or they exist.
I mistakenly assumed a dumbass who still loves Trump to your degree must actually be brainwashed by the constant garbage propaganda of shit like FOX News, but it looks like you still cling to the Trump because ... you have nothing else? I don't know. How someone can't see through that grifting pile of shit huckster's lies, and how you manage it without FOX pounding it into your rocksolid noggin daily? That's a goddamn mystery, that just makes no sense. That's a bad assumption, that's on me.
Look, you don't need to fight me, because I'll just make fun of you and you won't even realize it. Just leave me to be smug, and you can continue to think Melanie Trump and her bloody pulp cones are styles to aspire to. And I won't even pity you for that!
Deal?