Mexican President Fears California Will Ruin His Pot Business

Wake up, West Coast dope hippies! If voters approve California's Proposition 19, everything will be ruined for Mexico's farmers, soldiers, and cops! Thus speaks Don Pito Calderone, the top narco-capo of the República de México who moonlights as a Napoleonic president. Here's the shocking headline from the Guadalajara daily Informador : "Calderon: Problems for Mexico if California Legalizes Marijuana."

Mexico's President, Felipe Calderon, said Thursday that if the U.S. state of California legalizes marijuana in November, "it's going to put Mexican authorities in a serious bind. It's going to put us in a difficult problem to solve. It's going to have an impact on the Mexican market, and I don't know in what sense, frankly, it'll have to be examined. It's really very difficult for a government to jail a farmer who is growing marijuana for sale to the Californians."

The "five families" have called a meeting to make you an offer you can't refuse. Don Santos, godfather of the Colombian syndicate, has a plan:

Other Latin American heads of state, such as the Colombian Juan Manuel Santos (the new president of that country) have also expressed their concern about the possible legalization of marijuana in California. Santos even set forth the option of a joint reaction with Mexico and Peru if that drug is legalized in the United States.

"A joint reaction!" Ha ha. But yes, if California legalizes it, the Latin American bosses will make you an offer you can't refuse, and this is it:

Oh noes, gente de Alta California , if you'll only vote Yes on 19, then Mexico will be paradise again! Peaceful! Happy! Drunk and stoned! And then nobody will want to cross the border to pick your silly Mary Jane crops up north. And then you'll have to do "the work even Mexicans won’t do." Better sign up the kids with a UFW union card, and hire the last Zapatistas in the U.S. to train them to walk a picket line and chant "Huelga!" and "Sí se puede!" That, and to sing, "Feliz Days Are Here Again." [ El Informador ]