Michael Cohen Has Chosen To Stay And Fuck Trump The Fuck Up

Cohen sat for an interview with George Stephanopoulos, and oh boy, he had a lot to say!

When we last left Michael Cohen, we were talking about how how he is out of money and has a new lawyer who's actually a REAL LAWYER (unlike himself) named Guy Petrillo, who is the type of real lawyer you'd go to if you are planning on trying to make a deal instead of going to jail for one million years. Whoa if true, yeah?

Now, Cohen has decided to speak up for himself and give us all a clue about where things are headed, and he did it in an interview with George Snuffleupagus of ABC News. Our initial reaction to the interview is oh my god we bet Donald Trump SHIT HIS PANTS when he heard this.

For one thing, the days of Cohen saying "I MISS YOU SO MUCH, MIS-TURRRRR TWUMP!" are over . Now he is more like "You are not my best friend anymore, MIS-TURRRRR TWUMP!" And then he slaps himself because he forgot he doesn't have to say MIS-TURRRR TWUMP anymore:

"My wife, my daughter and my son have my first loyalty and always will," Cohen told me. "I put family and country first."

He's not about to take a bullet in the middle of Fifth Avenue for Trump anymore! In fact, Stephanopoulos reports that during the entire time he was in that hotel room with Cohen this weekend, he didn't say one nice thing about Trump. When Stephanopoulos pressed him further about his loyalties, he said this:

"To be crystal clear, my wife, my daughter and my son, and this country have my first loyalty."

Oh, so very interesting how he is including his "country" in there!

When Cohen resigned from the RNC recently, he included a very pointed remark about how evil it is that his former boss Trump is ripping babies out of their mothers' arms and putting them in baby jails. Cohen did not remotely need to include that in his resignation letter. Is it posslble that Cohen, despite all his faults, sees what Trump is doing to America and is also horrified? Is he in the #Resistance now? Do they make pink pussy hats in size "idiot"?

Interestingly, Cohen's attitude toward lots of things seems to have evolved. When Stephanopoulos raised the possibility that Trump might sic Michael Cohen on Michael Cohen (but a different Michael Cohen, we guess, because the old Michael Cohen is kinda busy right now), Michael Cohen reportedly "sat up straight" in his chair and "his voice gained strength," and this is what he said:

"I will not be a punching bag as part of anyone's defense strategy," he said emphatically. "I am not a villain of this story, and I will not allow others to try to depict me that way."

So he's suggesting that there are definitely villains. He's just not one of them.

And what about NO COLLUSION, NO COLLUSION, YOU ARE THE COLLUSION? Well damn, he said some stuff about that too! He said he definitely did not do any collusion, and that he definitely did not go to Prague to help the Russians steal the election for Trump, and moreover, he seemed to suggest that Trump is a fucking idiot for refusing to believe our intelligence community, and instead taking assurances from Vladimir Putin that Russia didn't fuck with our election.

"I don't like the term witch hunt," he said, adding that he condemned Russia for interfering in the 2016 election.

"As an American, I repudiate Russia's or any other foreign government's attempt to interfere or meddle in our democratic process, and I would call on all Americans to do the same," he said.

And in a direct rebuttal to President Trump, who sent out a tweet last week repeating Vladimir Putin's claim that Russia did not interfere in our election, Cohen added this: "Simply accepting the denial of Mr. Putin is unsustainable."

OK, who kidnapped the old Michael Cohen and where did they put him? HILLARY, IS THIS YOUR WORK?

Anyway, this isn't an official plea deal or anything -- Cohen still has no idea what he might be charged with, and he hasn't been interviewed by Robert Mueller -- but it's something! He's still not answering questions about whether Trump knew at the time about his hush money payment to Stormy Daniels, or whether Trump knew about his son's treason meeting with Russia in Trump Tower, because his lawyers want him to STFU about that stuff. (He does think Junior and pals are idiots for taking that meeting, and when Michael Cohen is calling you an idiot? Boy howdy, that's rough.)

If Michael Cohen somehow ends up being a hero in the story of ending the Trump presidency, we are going to die of LOLing.

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[ ABC News ]