Michael Steele Ready For First RNC Hip-Hop Poetry Slam Battle

• Self-proclaimed "street guy" who also is "chairman of a country club political party" Michael Steele is expected to say all sorts of preposterous things during the first RNC spoken word debate this evening. And Michael is already mowing down the competition: Bunk-ass hater Gentry Collins, a former RNC political director best known for writing a rude letter about how dumb Michael Steele is, has already dropped out of the chairmanship race! This leaves a few weirdos from Missouri and Michigan to challenge Steele and his dismal fundraising numbers and overall incompetence. There's gonna be some serious disrespecting tonight. Maybe we will liveblog this comedy? [ The Hill ]

• Lonely old maid Lindsey Graham announced on teevee that his New Year's resolution is to help the United States maintain "an enduring relationship" with Afghanistan. This is secret ham biscuit code for "let's build permanent military bases and occupy Afghanistan forever." Sorry, Afghanistan! No more truck stop blowjobs from Lindsey Graham. He wants commitment . [ Fox News ]

• Vanloads of people from Kentucky drive fourteen hours to South Florida so that they can stock up on pain killers and animal tranquilizers. And then they drive home and get so high. These are the last huzzahs of a crumbling Empire. [ McClatchy ]