Michelle Obama Saves Christmas With Emergency NORAD Santa Hotline

A long time ago, a bunch of gullible children in Colorado read a Sears ad in a “newspaper” -- an ancient method of distributing information -- and spent Christmas Eve calling a telephone number they believed would allow them to track the whereabouts of Santa Claus. Instead, they were connected to NORAD, and since the guys manning the phones were totally bored searching the sky for Soviet missiles, they thought, “How swell!” and decided to sit around telling 8-year-olds how much longer they would have to wait for their stockings to be filled with gas masks and Everlasting Gobstoppers. Half a century later, our North American Aerospace Defense Command still had nothing to do on Christmas Eve, and it invited our FLOTUS to partake in the merriment.

Michelle Obama spent part of Christmas Eve answering calls for NORAD’s Santa-tracking program, talking to children who were desperate to know how soon they would find iPads and Cheetos in place of the Baby Jesus in their inflatable nativity scenes.

First Lady Michelle Obama spent over 40 minutes on the phone with children, answering Christmas Eve queries from kids as to where Santa is and how soon he will be at their home.

"You know that Santa only comes after boys and girls have gone to sleep, no matter where he is in the world," Mrs. Obama said to each of the children callers. "So Santa won't be at your house until you're fast asleep, okay?"

Now that No Fat Kid Left Behind is old news, Michelle Obama will probably be launching a new campaign soon, to fight against children whose parents let them stay up all night calling NORAD, whining about presents. But her anti-obesity, bake-sale hating days aren’t entirely behind her.

The First Lady told the children to put out cookies for Santa and of course vegetables for the reindeer.

Children were perplexed by Michelle’s idea of a healthy reindeer snack, because they were told that reindeer like Budweiser and Krispy Kremes, and being shot with rifles. But one lucky kid named Austin did get to have a heart-to-heart with our FLOTUS, who explained her marriage to the president with the type of passionate language one might reserve for describing a college roommate who isn’t awful but mostly just drinks a lot of beer and watchesFrasierre-runs.

Lastly Mrs. Obama said it isn't hard to be married to her husband.

"He's a pretty good guy. I mean, it's a tough job and sometimes you want to do everything you can to help him, but it's pretty easy being married to him. He's kind of funny -- fun to hang out with."

"Okay, cool," Austin said, seemingly satisfied with her answers.

And then Austin returned to the small cot in his windowless room and closed his eyes, dreaming of a Christmas morning when he would drag his feet into the den to find our FLOTUS sitting under the tree. [ ABC News ]

 Blair Burke (blairelinor@gmail.com) obsessively follows Michelle Obama's every move for "The FLOTUS Files," which appears every Monday here at your Wonkette.