Mike Huckabee So Glad Clintons Didn't Murder Him, Like How They Do

Fuck this guy

Ugh, Mike Huckabee. UGH. UGH!!! During the Republican debate Wednesday, that smirking fuckton of maggot-infested squirrel shit squeezed into a half-fuckton skin sack sharted one of his favorite lies, yet again, from the crusted butthole in his face where he makes the words:  

I've spent a lifetime in politics fighting the Clinton machine.

You want to talk about what we're going to be up against next year? I'm the only guy on this stage -- you know, everybody has an "only guy" -- "I'm the only guy this; I'm the only guy that." Well, let me tell you one thing that I am the only guy: The only guy that has consistently fought the Clinton machine every election I was ever in over the past 26 years. And not only did I fight them, but I beat them.

Here's a quick little fact-check for you: Mike Huckabee has never run in an election -- not for president, for not governor, not for undersecretary of the PTA -- against a Clinton. Never. Not once. He might crap his adult diapers in fear of The Clinton Machine, but The Clinton Machine has never even needed to bother acknowledging his undeserving worthless existence. Look, right here, for yourselves:

And yet this festering boil loves to claim he is the most qualified candidate to take on Hillary Clinton and The Clinton Machine because he is from Arkansas, and the Clintons also came from Arkansas, so ... something something FUCK YOU, HUCK.

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Also? We are quite certain -- quite -- that Hillary Clinton could easy tap dance all over Mike Huckabee's dick stump without even breaking a sweat. Not that Huckabee has even a point oh oh oh something chance of being the nominee, but just for poops and giggles, sure, why not? Who wouldn't enjoy watching Clinton crush his shriveled balls with three hands tied behind her back, like she did to the entire Benghazi congressional committee a week ago?

But Mike Huckabee? He's not just a liar. He is, as we may have mentioned or twice or a thousand times before, a fucking fuckity fuck of a fucker who should choke on his own tiny dick, if he can find it under the rolls of deep-fried squirrel Huck belly. And thus, he also dropped this casual dookie on the debate stage:

Somebody says "I'm a fighter." Well, I want to know, did you win? Well, I did. And not only did I fight them and win, I lived to tell about it and I'm standing on this stage tonight as evidence of that. And I think that ought to be worth something.

Oh. Ha ha. Clap clap clap. So clever. See what he did there? See how he hinted at the goddamned miracle of somehow surviving The Clinton Machine that has never paid a second of attention to him? Do you get it? DO YOU GET IT? Because everyone knows the Clintons stone-cold murder their enemies. Everyone knows this, it is a science fact. Hillary Clinton killed Vince Foster. And maybe Kathleen Willey's husband. (And her cat!) And isn't it sooooo mysterious how some people Bill and or Hillary and or Chelsea and or Socks came across in their lifetimes are no longer living? That cannot be a coincidence. It must be MURDER. Clinton Machine MURDER.

And that was before Hillary planned her evil scheme to kill FOUR AMERICANS in Benghazi, with her best friend Sid Blumenthal, through her personal email, BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Thank baby Thomas Jefferson Jesus that Huckabee, as the sole survivor of The Clinton Machine, barely made it out alive to tell the tale of that time he lived in Arkansas and slurped up the sloppy seconds of Bill's former gig as governor, after the Clintons moved on up to the White House.

Huckabee also had the opportunity, during the debate, to pass judgment on Donald Trump's moral authority, or lack thereof. This is one of Huck's very favorite pastimes, as self-appointed moral scold of America. The Obamas are bad parents for letting their daughters listen to Beyonce's whore music. We wouldn't have mass shootings if only we'd bring back obligatory prayer in public schools and ban slut pills and abortion. And on and on and on.

But he punted like a goddamned coward at this question:

Governor Huckabee, you've written about the huge divide in values between middle America and the big coastal cities like New York and Los Angeles. As a preacher as well as a politician, you know that presidents need the moral authority to bring the entire country together.

The leading Republican candidate, when you look at the average of national polls right now, is Donald Trump. When you look at him, do you see someone with the moral authority to unite the country?

And instead of saying that Trump, who has been married and divorced multiple times; who has supported both slut pills and abortion; and who, given his insistence that being a raging dick is a feature, not a bug, has the moral authority of an art fart -- well, good ol' friendly conservative cuddlebear Huck is simply too much a gentleman, you see, to say anything untoward about Donald Trump. So instead he babbled about how much he just loves loves LOVES his Donald Trump tie. Because even hinting at Trump's morality would be so unkind, just what The Media wants, and the former preacher is so above that.

Casually suggesting The Clinton Machine has spent decades trying to murder him, LIKE HOW THEY DO, YOU KNOW, WINK WINK WINK, so vote for Huck, the brave survivor? Well, that's just Huck being Huck.

[ Transcript via WaPo ]