Mikey Baby, You're In A World Of Shit. Wonkagenda For Wed., May 9, 2018

Morning Wonketariat! Here's some of the things wemaybe talking about today.

 Why was Michael Cohen hired by a sanctioned Russian business magnate? Was all that business for businesses who had businesswith Trump's businesses and/or administration? Were they bribes (because they sure as hellseem likebribes)? All we know is that Michael Cohen is a businessman, and a lawyer, who does a lot of business with businesses who have business.

 Trump killed the Iranian nuclear deal, and clearly doesn't know or care what he's just done. In response, Europeans are desperately trying to save the JCPOA while Washington reimposes sanctions against the Iranian regime. This morning, Iranian Supreme Leader Ayatollah Khamenei mocked and derided Trump. 

Obama went back to his nuclear non-proliferation roots and made a long statement about the JCPOA that's all about the US being a beacon of hope, but it doesn't have any smoke machines, monster trucks, or women with large breasts, so feel free to skip it.

In order to pay for all the lawyers he's going to need, Michael Cohen has put up a big mortgage on his Trump apartment, especially now that nobody needs a taxi medallion. 

In a rare move, the FBI and national intelligence officials convinced Trump's White House to tell Devin Nunes to sit down and shut up before he pulls a Scooter Libby and gets a top secret intelligence asset compromised or killed.

"America's Fucking Mayor" Rudy Giuliani is fighting back on charges that he's a sleepy old drunk by screaming "9/11" through a wine-stained cigar.

 Alex van der Zwaan went to prison on Monday. He's expected to be released next month. LOLOLOCK HIM UP!

 Gina Haspel spent yesterday schmoozing Senators and greasing palms on the Hill. Haspel is expected to tell the Senate Intel Committee that she "will not restart" the CIA's torture program, even as new reporting surfaces about her oversight and complacency of torture programs, and the subsequent destruction of evidence. Now, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the alleged mastermind of 9/11 currently being held in Gitmo, wants to issue a statement for Haspel's hearing. 

Even though a bunch of senior State Department officials warned them not to cancel their Temporary Protected Status, the Trump administration is greenlighting the deportation of 300,000 Central Americans and Haitians back to the "shithole countries" they fled as refugees.

The Trump administration is bitching that Congress isn't fucking the poor and stacking the courts fast enough, so Marc Short threatened Mitch McConnell with mean tweets if he doesn't start holding weekend sessions and canceling recess. 

The House Veterans Affairs Committee rushed through a bunch of legislative reforms for the VA that will dump cash and care onto private facilities. The legislation also included medical marijuana research for veterans, benefits for "Blue Water" Navy veterans, and more oversight for women's veterans programs.

After an Air Force chaplain discovered his Jewish ancestry, he began converting to Orthodox Judaism only to find fierce backlash and harassment from the evangelical community and his superiors, according to new allegations that include a fellow chaplain noting that he "did not profess Jesus Christ as his Lord and Savior" and could no longer be "equally yoked."

Democratic Rep. Keith Ellison sent a letter to Defense Secretary Jim Mattis demanding to know what the fuck the DOD is doing about white nationalists in the military. It's a damn good question!

There's been some movement on Yucca Mountain, and now it's more likely that Nevada will become America's toxic waste dump. 

The new NASA head says we're going back to the Moon, but space nerds are camly raising their hands and asking, "With what?"

LOL, grifty Rep. Duncan Hunter is so fucked that his daddy is running around behind the scenes and trying to bail him out.

The Senate Intel Committee is warning about Russian election fuckery, stating that in several states Russian hackers were “in a position to, at a minimum, alter or delete voter registration data." 

Here's the general takeaways from last night's primaries in flyover country, including some nerdy rundowns, and some general analysis from political dorks. 

 Don Blankenship was beaten like a bourgeois baron by the families of coal miners who never forgot his criminal conviction. Just to be dicks, Mitch McConnell's team released this fucking hilarious tweet last night.

We're only mentioning that corporate-controlled Arizona Republican Rep. Debbie Lesko was sworn as an excuse to show this picture of her soulless, dead-eyed smile. 

Here's a quick run-down of all the voter ID laws in place for states with elections this month. We're looking at you, Idaho, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky and Texas!

 Vultures in the Republican party are already circling John McCain as worry about an inability for the GOP to ram through bills looms over the Senate.

 California held a gubernatorial debate last night, and it was as much of a beating for Trump as it was for Lt. Gov. Gavin Newsom.

A new 350-page report by the California EPA says that the state is being undeniably fucked by climate change.

A Maryland man who calls himself an imperial wizard of the KKK was found guilty of firing a gun at counter protesters during last year's "Unite the Right" rally in Charlottesville.

Chicagoans are drunkenly giggling their asses off at this idiotic 30-year-old CPD "satanic panic" document that instructs cops how to ID a Satan worshiping gang member.

Now that the Boy Scouts are cool with girls and gays, they're changing their name to Scouts BSA, but all that change is freaking out the Mormons. 

The Trump administration is considering pulling US support for South Sudan. Whatever, it's just another one of those "shithole countries," amirite?

 Mike Pompeo is on his way back from North Korea with three American detainees, according to a surprisingly gracious tweet Trump couldn't have written himself.

 Last year's horrific clusterfuck in Nigeris getting new scrutiny following a classified briefing to the Senate Armed Services Committee. Democratic Sen. Tim Kaine left the meeting and told reporters, "[It] raises questions about why people are hiding from us what they're doing."

 Nikki Haley is calling for regime change in Venezuela, telling the 48th Annual Washington Conference on the Americas that, "It is time for Maduro to go." The neocons are back! 

 Equifax has (finally) released a statement about the extent of the obscene security breach it tried to hide, and TLDR: everyone's shit was stolen.

 Facebook will begin consolidating services and shuffling its upper management in the hopes that it can prove they're committed to their future. They're even going to start fucking with blockchain, just like every other company desperate to stop investors from bailing out.

Even though it's unlikely to pass, Senate Democrats are expected to push for a reinstatement of net neutrality under the CRA.

 Windows Users: Update your damn computers. Use it as an excuse to go get some coffee, smoke a cigarette, or go poop while reading Obama's JCPOA statement. 

And here's your morning Nice Time! A baby goat fashion show!

 Freedom isn't free, but Yr Wonkette is! Throw us some Ameros so things stay that way! 

 Follow Dominic on Twitter!