Mitt Romney Would Have Admonished This Putin Fellow To Stop His Jackanapesing And Tomfoolery At Once

Sweet merciful Yahweh, why is losing loser and oligarchic sex toy Mitt Romney still allowed in front of a working television camera? Is it not horrible enough that we endured that smug mien and faux patrician bearing for all of 2012? We have only just recently recovered from the opium habit we developed over a full year of listening to his awkward, clenched laughter and his hilarious failed attempts to "speak" to "humans" in order to "connect on an emotional level." Don't presidential losers go away after losing, unless they are senators? Mike Dukakis, for example, had the decency to return to his magical village of elves after getting curb-stomped in 1988 and no one has seen him since.

Not Mittens, old Lord High Hairgel himself, who you know is looking at the current GOP field of 2016 contenders and noticing it doesn't have the collective intelligence of a dancing horse with a severe head injury. So there he was on Sunday's Face the Nation, pretending that he is some sort of foreign policy savant and not the snot-nosed moron who stumbled through Europe like Inspector Clouseau on an absinthe bender a couple of summers back.

The president's naivete with regards to Russia and his faulty judgements about Russia's intentions and objectives has led to a number of foreign policy challenges that we face, and unfortunately not having anticipated Russia's intentions, the president wasn't able to shape the kinds of events that may have been able to prevent the kind of circumstances that you're seeing in the Ukraine...

Exactly what events Obama could have shaped, presumably using the magic powers of the Green Lantern ring, Mittens left unsaid. But you just know if he had been elected president by you people, Mitt would have done...something. Maybe he would have offered Vladimir Putin equity in Staples in exchange for leaving Crimea alone, or sent in the 82nd Airborne, or just had Ann give the Russian president her patented death stare. And then everything would have been fine, because he's Mitt Romney.

We certainly could have taken action early on, we would have had far more options to try and shape events to keep Russia from moving in. For instance, working with our allies around the world to develop the sanctions, communicating those to Russia very very clearly[...]

If we had communicated, look Russia, stand down here, don't you think about grabbing territory or these are the things that will have to happen, these are the actions we will take, and by the way Russia, we're not going to interfere with your base in Sevastopol and so forth. Had we communicated those things, there's always the potential that we could have kept them from invading a country and annexing it into their own.

Oh, okay. We should have threatened Russia with sanctions sooner, apparently before the events in Kiev had played out and Viktor Yanukovych had stepped down, and we should have made it really really clear that we really really mean it you guys no for serious this time in the same tone of voice we used to use to tell Tagg and Trench and Truffles that there was to be no roughhousing in the solarium when Dad was in there watering his sunflowers and that algebra homework better be all finished before supper. That would have done the trick. We're sure Putin would have appreciated being lectured in that condescending fashion that so inspired Americans to soundly vote against you in the last election, Your Highness.

Good God, someone tell Mitt to find himself a hobby, like counting his money or memorizing the names of all his grandchildren, and leave the rest of us alone to forget him in peace.

[ Raw Story ]