Monica Crowley Exits Team Trump After Plagiarizing Whole World: 'Non, Je Ne Regrette Rien'

Not one of them remembers copying anything without attribution.

You'd think that after America's First-Lady-Elect, Melon Trump, got caught copying portions of her Republican Convention speech from Michelle Obama, and after Republicans tied themselves into ridiculous knots pretending the word-for-word matches were all a big coincidence, the Trumpers would immediately drop anyone else suspected of plagiarizing. But it actually took a bit over a week for Monica Crowley to remove herself from consideration for a job with Trump's National Security Council after CNN's Andrew Kaczynski documented a metric snotload of borrowed phrases in her 2012 book, What The (Bleep) Just Happened? 

A couple days later, Politico found Crowley had plagiarized big chunks of her doctoral dissertation, and then HarperCollins pulled the 2012 book from bookstores. But there was no word on Crowley's status from the Trump bunch, which may still have been trying to decide which of the central characters of My Little Pony to blame the mess on this time (probably Starlight Glimmer, who has a record, after all).

Monday, Crowley finally issued a statement that she wasn't going to take the job, although she avoided any mention of the plagiarism:

After much reflection, I have decided to remain in New York to pursue other opportunities and will not be taking a position in the incoming administration [...] I greatly appreciate being asked to be part of President-elect Trump’s team, and I will continue to enthusiastically support him and his agenda for American renewal.

The statement continued,

It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better freelance future that I go to, than I have ever known. It is said that old political hacks never die, they just fade away. Well I've got news for you: Your story don't ring true. You won't have Crowley to kick around anymore, because gentlemen, this is my last press conference. For I have known them all already, known them all -- have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons, I have measured out my life with coffee spoons. But wotthehell wotthehell, there's a dance in the ol' dame yet. And I'll look into your big brown eyes and say, "You ain't seen nothing yet. B-b-b-baby, you just ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet!" And as god is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!

“To hell with the handkerchief,” said Monica Crowley scornfully. She took one last drag on her cigarette and snapped it away. Two gin-scented tears trickled down the sides of her nose. But it was all right, everything was all right, the struggle was finished. She had won the victory over herself. She loved Big Brother. The knife came down, missing her by inches, and she took off. "I'm ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille!"

[ NYT / CNN / Politico ]