New Poll Finds Hillary Clinton Already President

Try not to get too happy in your privates, but there's a shiny new poll that shows Hillary Clinton is the winningest presidential candidate right now, by all the points:

Basically, all the Democrats are like, "Yeah, we are cool with Hillz," despite OOOOH SCARY headlines recently that she should be shaking in her pantsuit because Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders ( buy your Bernie T-shirts today! ) is getting some thumbs ups and big crowds at campaign events. Of course he is, because he says all the good words that make progressives go all swoony, which is why we also too love him. But and however, Clinton has been saying good words as well, which might be part of why 75 percent of Democrats are #ReadyForHillary. That, in case you did not know, is a big number. It's bigger than the 15 percent who say Bernie is their guy, and it's a whole lot bigger than the less than 1 percent of people who know who the hell Lincoln Chafee is. 

This latest WSJ/NBC News poll isn't just good news for Clinton, though. It's also GREAT news for Clinton, because it shows her kicking Republican ass in the general election as well, based on currently general election polling, which is utterly meaningless, but so what, let's discuss anyway! Right now, Republican primary voters hate Jeb! Bush the least, but he can't beat Clinton, especially not if he keeps fucking up all over himself left and right, as he's been doing since before he even declared he was running, and has yet to show any sign whatsoever that he's going to stop doing that.

Also -- and we're just spitballing here, we are not gay math wizards, so we could be completely wrong about this -- the numbers might be even more worser than that for Republicans. The poll was conducted June 14-18, before we watched the entire GOP field crap its cowardly pants while trying to figure out what to say about the massacre in Charleston, South Carolina, which we know was racially motivated because the killer said so. In the subsequent national conversation about whether South Carolina should remove the Confederate flag from its state capitol grounds, not one single Republican candidate had the testicular (or ovarian, let's not forget Carly Fiorina!) fortitude to say, "Yes, damnit, take down that flag NOW." Not until South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley reluctantly (ohhhhh so reluctantly) called for the flag's removal. And then some GOP candidates started in on the "Me too!" parade, but they get basically zero credit for that, what a bunch of wimps.

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Hillary Clinton, on the other hand, did not need Haley's thumbs up to call for the flag's removal, which she's been doing since 2007. And while some Republicans continue to insist that racism isn't even a thing anymore ( say hello to Mike Huckabee, y'all ), Clinton is taking a slightly different approach, with a speech on Tuesday to "urge that in addition to the renewed conversation about the Confederate flag we can have, we must confront deeper, substantive issues around the racial divide that persists in America." Potayto, potahto!

It's still real early in the election cycle, though, so we're sure America will have worked out all of its racial tensions by November 2016, and then everyone will choose Jeb! Bush or one of those other guys (sorry, Carly, it's not going to be you) to boldly and courageously lead America, once their consultants tell them it's OK.

[ WSJ ]