New York Times Ready On Day One To Crap On Kamala Harris
They'd like to see a lady, just not that lady.
FIRST, BREAKING NEWS, Kamala Harris has picked her final five veep choices and is vetting, says NBC! It’s North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper, Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, BIG GRETCH, Arizona Senator Mark Kelly, and surprise, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz!
Meanwhile, ABC News has a slightly different list of four, and Kentucky Gov. Andy Beshear is on the list, but no BIG GRETCH or Tim Walz.
Now back to our regularly scheduled programming of The New York Times breaking landspeed records in a relay to power-crap on Democrats!
It’s been the burning question that’s been on everyone’s minds since Sunday: now that New York Times editors got what they wanted with OLD JOE BIDEN shuffling off the ticket, what is there to complain about next?
Eight designated opiners answered Monday with an op-ed panel discussion, “How These 10 Democrats Would Fare Against Trump, Rated by Our Columnists and Writers,” in which they just asked questions about which other Democrats might be the nominee to replace Joe Biden, even though all the other Democrats are not challenging Kamala Harris and have already wholeheartedly endorsed her with record-breaking enthusiasm.
But they’re here to but ackshually at Democrats anyway, using a scale of one to 10 based on how “electable” and “exciting” they are! Spoiler alert, wah wah, not very!
The “diverse opinions” somehow all read like Livia Soprano in the nursing home, the droning whines of a miserable control freak, indignant that the world doesn’t revolve around her, incapable of spitting out anything that might sound like a compliment unless it’s bookended by insults.
Never mind that in fewer than two days Harris got all of the endorsements from delegates that she’ll need to lock up the nomination. Never mind that within a day and a half, enthusiasm for Harris broke fundraising records, topping $100 million in grassroots donations. Never mind that some polls are even suggesting Harris is getting a surge that could maybe beat a certain gameshow host right now!
But the Democratic nomination has not officially been locked up yet, the Times is eager to remind us. And according to them, Harris has only an average 4.6 “electable” and a 5.7 “exciting.” Out of 10. Hyuk!
Trumpistan has had many moons to prepare itself to run against Harris, but still has not been able to come up with any digs beyond alleging she’s a childless cat lady who wants to ban plastic straws and eating meat, and Mountain Dew is racist now, something something, blowjob joke! The desperation is palpable. Some People are saying Donald Trump is even regretting tapping fake hillbilly yeehaw JD Vance, who’s been landing punches like a wino fighting a stop sign.
But here comes the Times to help those gormless twits out! They’ve got a whole case of rotten tomatoes for Sean Hannity to try throw at a wall and try to make stick!
Do you even want to hear what these nobodies have to say?
Ross Barkin says Harris has a “feeble electoral track record.” Josh Barro says she has “no demonstrated appeal to swing voters” and “she cannot run away from the Biden-Harris record on inflation and immigration.”
Why is Trump somehow able to run away from abetting that plague that set off all those price hikes and inflation? Why isn’t it pointed out every day that he employed undocumented immigrants to build his buildings, maintain his golf motels and scrub the orange makeup stains off his collar?
Anyhoo, Pamela Paul thinks Harris is “fundamentally weak.” Jane Coaston concedes “she’s got the energy of ‘not very elderly.’” Ross Douthat says “mediocre,” “she would be nobody’s top choice,” and enthusiasm for her is “fake.” Those grassroots donors sent in $100 million of Monopoly money, I guess.
Who do these writers like? And why are we doing this exercise again? But anyway, in this fantasyland, their top pick would be Pennsylvania Governor Josh Shapiro, who in Ross Douthat’s mind is “the most talented of the Democratic governors,” though he has only been Governor since 2023. But Harris has a “feeble electoral track record,” okay, Ross.
Shapiro gets the most Trump-beatingest rating from them, but still, too Jewish.
Gretchen Whitmer is tops on the Times excitability list! Coastal Democrats fawn over her cable TV appearances, Ross Barkan backhand-compliments. Jane Coaston says, “she’s a very successful politician in Michigan in part because the Michigan GOP is a box of rabid cats locked in a closet.” Is that not every single other state too? Pamela Paul womp womps that she’s not a “superstar.”
But she was still their tops in excitements! She’s a fresh face with a Midwest base, and it would freak Trump the fuck out. She would not own Bidenomics and Gaza like Biden-Harris. “Thrilling”! None of the panelists point out how having two women on the ticket would make men’s balls jump out of their bodies, run around the block twice and then write a book about witchcraft and set that book on fire, though, or even mention her woman-ness at all, which is sort of weird.
Anyway, can’t wait to find out who Mamala will pick as her running mate, and all the new ways the New York Times will find to shit on them, right in the space where all those articles about elderly, feeble, unappealing Donald J. Trump and his failed record and Project 2025 ought to be.
WAAAAH! WAAAHHH! WE WANTED AN OPEN CONVENTION! WE WANTED A FLOOR BATTLE AND RIOTS IN THE STREETS OF CHICAGO AND AN ESTABLISHMENT CANDIDATE WHO WOULD STEP IN AT THE LAST MINUTE AND STILL LOSE TO TRUMP! WAAAHHHH!
And Ross Douthat calling someone "mediocre" is fucking rich.
Meanwhile, the Editorial Schizophrenia Times is reporting that Trump, the loser who is under indictment for trying to get thousands of ballots thrown out in Georgia, is whining that Harris vaulting to the top of the ticket disenfranchises Democratic primary voters.