NFL's Roger Goodell Is Useless Goober, Has Better Job Than You

NFL President Roger Goodell held a press conference today in which he apologized for being a completely worthless crapbird in his handling of the league's multiple problems with players who have committed domestic violence and child abuse. He insisted that he holds himself to the highest possible standards, which is why he also is sure he can keep his promise to do better and not let players' off-field brutality fall between the cracks anymore.

“I got it wrong in the handling of the Ray Rice matter, I’m sorry about that,” he announced early. “But now I will get it right.” And he promised that a new education and outreach process would be finished in time for the Super Bowl, which should make for a heck of a halftime show. Needless to say, he is not going to resign, because he is going to do a lot better, and the owners support him.

In his prepared statement, Goodell took credit for his players' lady-punching as a means of increasing awareness of domestic violence:

It was brought to our attention that recent events caused The National Domestic Violence Hotline to receive 84 percent more calls during the week of September 8 – 15. According to the organization, more than 50 percent of those calls went unanswered due to lack of staff. That must not continue.

And so the NFL will partner with two domestic violence resources, The National Domestic Violence Hotline (The Hotline) and the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), and buy some indulgences to save its soul. These nonprofits do excellent work, and we're glad to see them getting more funding. We just hope their reputations aren't harmed by association with a bunch of incompetent sociopaths.

Also, too, they're going to have some training sessions, because as everyone knows, a good training session is better than no training session at all:

Starting within the next 30 days, all league and team personnel -- including executives, coaches, players and staff -- will participate in education sessions on domestic violence and sexual assault. These initial sessions will begin to provide the men and women of the NFL with information and tools to understand and recognize domestic violence and sexual assault. We will work with the NFL Players Association to develop and present this training in the most effective way.

 Best single moment:   Adam Glyn, a reporter from TMZ Sports, which broke the second Ray Rice video, asked Goodell why he wasn't curious enough about the events that he didn't just phone the casino and ask for a copy of the tape. Goodell repeated that the NFL had bravely suspended Rice after the first tape -- for an entire two games -- and then increased the penalty when the second tape became available. Besides, they were working with law enforcement, and didn't want to interfere with law enforcement.

Glyn pressed on: "We found it [the tape] with one phone call. You have a whole legal department.” Goodell replied, "I can't explain how you got the information. Only you can do that."

Oh, and Goodell also learned an important lesson: Don't interview a woman who was allegedly abused with her alleged abuser in the room. He sees now, after hearing from experts on domestic violence, that doing that was not a good idea. Baby steps, Roger. Baby steps.

Weirdest moment: A Howard Stern troll crashed the presser, screaming "I'm Benjy!" and, as security hustled him out, "don’t take me to the elevator!” And just think: someday we will all enjoy the sweet peace of the grave.

Also, too, this tweet from bloogin' superhero Atrios:

[ NYDN / Salon / USA Today ]