Nikki Haley Loses Nevada Primary To Literally Nobody

Donations and endorsements surge for 'None Of These Candidates' after win.

Life was simpler and better in the early days of LOLcats.

Nikki Haley made some actual history in the Nevada Republican primary election yesterday, although probably not the kind she wanted. She’s now the first candidate in a Nevada primary election to lose to “None Of These Candidates” since that line was added to party primary ballots in 1975. Haley, who didn’t campaign in the state, was defeated in a landslide by Nobody, by 63.2 percent to 30.5 percent, with another 6.3 percent going to other candidates the New York Times doesn’t list, but who we assume included “Amanda Hugginkiss” and “Mike Hunt.” Oh, and actually “Mike Pence” and “Tim Scott,” other nonentities who have suspended their campaigns.

Donald Trump didn’t run in the primary, preferring instead to run in the caucus being held tomorrow, in which Haley will not participate. The state Lege passed a law creating state-run primaries in 2021, but Republicans just can’t stop playing with their caucus, and will keep pumping that caucus until it explodes in a gooey stream of delegates for Donald Trump. Nevada Republican Party rules forbid anyone who participates in the primary from also taking part in the caucus, and how’s that for a clear and democratic electoral process?

As the AP reports, Haley’s defeat may have partly resulted from turnout by Republicans who were mad at her for insulting the state’s honor; she said she was only going to “focus on the states that are fair,” and has concentrated on campaigning in South Carolina, her home state.

Haley’s spokesperson, Olivia Perez-Cuba, did at least make an insulting reference to Nevada’s gaming industry, saying, “Even Donald Trump knows that when you play penny slots the house wins. We didn’t bother to play a game rigged for Trump. We’re full steam ahead in South Carolina and beyond.”

Several top Nevada Republicans made a point of announcing that they planned to vote for the Null Set in the primary and then support Trump in the caucus, so that they could really show Haley what’s what and who is a real man of action, add wanking hand motion gif here. Washoe County GOP Chair Bruce Parks made much of telling voters to vote against Haley in the primary Tuesday and then to caucus for Trump Thursday, YEAH!

“They basically told us they don’t care about us,” Parks said in an interview after the race was called. “By marking ‘none of these candidates,’ we respond in kind — we don’t care about you either.”

The pro-Trump faction also declared that Haley was disinvited from their birthday parties and will have to sit alone in the cafeteria for the rest of the school year.

Say, did we mention that the current chair of the Nevada GOP, Michael McDonald, is being prosecuted on state charges for being a fake elector for Trump in 2020? Yeah, that too. Great bunch.

Also in Nevada yesterday, President Joe Biden won the Democratic primary easily, beating Marianne Williamson, at least on the earthly plane, and some other weirdos who got enough signatures to be on the ballot. Dean Phillips didn’t bother running.

In a statement, None Of These Candidates thanked Nevada Republicans for their support and then immediately endorsed Joe Biden for the general election, saying “Look, I may not exist, but even I know Trump’s a dangerous lunatic.”

None Of These Candidates was immediately doxxed on social media, SWATted in a false 911 call to Las Vegas Police, and gunned down by cops.

[AP / CBS News]

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