The rightwing nutters running the House of Representatives keep slouching toward maybe impeaching President Joe Biden on charges of whatever they come up with —BriberyChinaUranium! — but they can actually just move on to other business, like banning abortions during drag performances, or huge tax cuts for corporations and CEOs.
But there’s definitely no need to take down Biden, because Absolutely Fabulist superlawyer and Wonkette Best Frenemy Forever Larry Klayman put together a pretend grand jury and held a pretend trial, at which the pretend judge found Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, and Joe’s brother James Biden GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!!! of taking bribes. For good measure, the wallaby court — no kangaroo would come near it — also found Biden extra guilty of MURTHER because he was responsible for the ISIS bombing that killed 13 US service members during the withdrawal from Afghanistan, as well as the fucked-up drone strike that killed 10 Afghans who had nothing to do with the bombing. (Yes, that was a tragedy. No, holding a pretend trial does not solemnize the horror of it, it’s just political bullshit.)
“Citizen’s Judge” James Pendleton — Klayman’s group “Freedom Watch” doesn’t appear to have provided any information on how he got to be a judge — even wrote a 46-page “Memorandum Opinion” explaining the charges, which include, for all three Bidens,
solicitation of or demand for a bribe by a government official, acceptance of a gratuity by government personnel, money laundering, violation of the foreign agents registration act, honest services fraud, wire fraud, racketeer influenced and corrupt organization act (“RICO”) and seditious conspiracy for their involvement in money laundering, knowingly receiving monetary bribes, and other crimes involving Ukraine and China
Then there’s a separate list of charges against Joe Biden for following through on the withdrawal from Afghanistan that had been negotiated, badly, by Donald Trump. That one includes “treason,” and as I’ve already mentioned, Biden is guilty on all charges, so the “sentence” should be interesting. Death? Life in prison? Banishment to the Phantom Zone?
The sentencing was originally scheduled for yesterday, August 30, but has been rescheduled for September 7 because of shocking new evidence from a Fox News interview with fired Ukrainian prosecutor Viktor Shokin, who claimed yet again he was shitcanned in 2016 because Joe Biden was super-corrupt, and for chrissakes that’s been debunked so many times that I’m just providing a link and getting more coffee.
Crom help us, we actually watched this deranged video of “excerpts” from the trial, which took place a couple weeks ago in a near-empty conference room — just him and “Judge” Pendleton — somewhere in Boise. Klayman soberly explains that the completely legitimate citizens’ grand jury returned 100 percent legitimate indictments, and that furthermore, the defendants were all notified of the proceedings against them but failed to show up in Boise for their trial.
Klayman ‘splains why this court is completely legitimate:
“We have the right to indict, to try, and to seek convictions, and to sentence and carry out sentences, pursuant to the laws of nature and nature’s God, as well as man-made law.”
Klayman even cites an opinion from Antonin Scalia that the “grand jury process belongs to the American people,” not the three branches of government, which we assumes means anyone who wants to can set up a grand jury, even though that’s never actually worked out for any of the “common law” crazies who’ve tried it. (That’s only because allegedly real courts are all corrupt.)
The video begins with a shot of the judge, and you KNOW this is a for-real court because the flags have no gold fringe on them.
Are you also a glutton for punishment, or at least a fan of weirdness? Here, go for it:
The evidence includes absolutely legally admissible clips from Fox News, proving beyond a reasonable doubt that crime crime crimity crime. There’s also a video interview featuring Klayman taking “testimony” over Zoom from a retired general, which runs with dramatic music under it, as all real court proceedings do.
Similarly, Pendleton’s “Opinion” is mostly a collection of news clippings, including stuff from legitimate sources like the New York Times, the Federalist, Fox News, Breitbart, and the Daily Mail. LAPTOP makes an appearance, providing not only evidence of massive corruption but also this very important judicial note:
Aside from the laptop shedding light on the allegations here, other material extracted from the laptop included a raunchy, twelve (12) minute video that appears to show Defendant Hunter Biden smoking crack cocaine while engaged in a sex act, as well as numerous other sexually explicit images.
Wouldn’t want to leave that out.
And like any good trial video, there’s a sort of trailer for a Coming Attraction, Klayman’s upcoming trial of Anthony Fauci. You’d think the Supreme Court would learn how to use media this brilliantly.
Because none of the accused showed up for Cosplay Court, the opinion doesn’t consider any evidence other than the clippings and video presented by the very real, very legitimate grand jury. Pendleton finds Joe Biden, Hunter Biden, and James Biden guilty on all charges, and that’s that. Now it’s on to sentencing; in an interview last fall on One America “News,” Klayman explained that since “we live in a Gestapo state now,” the People have to do their own justice, hence this trial:
We will seek a sentence, and then we will seek to carry it out peacefully and legally, asking the military and the police to do it — and if they don't do it, we have a right of citizen's arrest in 48 states. We're not going to be physical, we're not — we'll be peaceful.
No worries, it’ll be peaceful, you see. Since Biden’s sentencing has been postponed to next Thursday, during my week off, I’m tempted to attend as a member of the press. Haha, as if I’d be allowed in.
[Politizoom / RightWingWatch / MediaMatters / Lincoln Project]
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Dismissal of Larry Klayman's case against Wonkette was affirmed today:
https://4dca.flcourts.gov/content/download/876708/opinion/222114_DC05_08312023_100536_i.pdf
Nothing says legitimate US Court than flags hanging on the wall, sporting creases from the box they were just taken out of.
In other news, me and my dog just deliberated for a few minutes and we found Larry Klayman guilty of being A Idiot.