Nobody In America Goes To Church Anymore. Eat It, White Conservative Losers.

Here is the church, here is the steeple, open the doors and see all the NOPE.

Mar 28, 2024

blue and white wooden church during daytime — Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash

Right-wing white American Christians have a love affair going with Putin’s Russia and Orbán’s Hungary, countries they imagine are utopian societies for white Christian nationalists like them. It amuses us because, like so many things they believe, it’s built on a lie. The authoritarian dictatorships that have seized power in those countries are projecting that image abroad, but average Russians and Hungarians don’t give a shit about religion.

Last year when Tucker Carlson was in Hungary bouncing on Orbán’s lap and telling audiences Americans hate Hungary and Russia because they hate Jesus, Twitter Community Notes smacked the shit out of him, noting that only 16 percent of Russians say religion is important to them, and only seven percent go to church regularly. In Hungary it’s 19 and 19.

As with many things in those countries — particularly Russia — their religiosity is a Potemkin village, an illusion meant to impress.

Gallup is out with news this week that America really is becoming more like those countries, because the number of Americans who give a shit about going to church just continues to go down, down, down.

How many Americans spend Sunday morning — or Saturday, or Friday, as it may be — in religious services, and how many spend that time at brunch or sleeping off last night’s demon orgy? Only three in 10 Americans are at the religious services, 21 percent every week and another nine percent almost every week.

Meanwhile, 56 percent of Americans seldom or never attend. (That’s 25 percent and 31 percent, respectively.) So remember that next time somebody starts babbling at you about traditional “Judeo-Christian” American values.

Gallup broke it down by religion and/or sect, and found Mormons to be the most observant, with 67 percent always or usually going to church. (We’d say there’s nothing else to do in Utah, but have Mormons seen Utah? Go experience God’s creation, dipshits.)

Protestant Christians come next at 30 percent (every week) and 14 percent (almost every week). Which leaves a fuckton of protestants who are Not That.

Sticking with the order of every week/almost every week, American Muslims are at 28/10. Meanwhile, 44 percent fall into the seldom/never category.

Catholics? They’re 23/10, with 32/18 in the seldom/never. (Math whizzes will note that 32 plus 18 equals fully half of Catholics who never darken the door of a church.

Jewish Americans? They’re 16 percent always, six percent for often, 41 and 21 for seldom and never.

Gallup appears confused by the three percent of atheists and agnostics who do attend regularly. They must not have heard of Unitarians.

Anyway, as Gallup explains, this decline is pretty much across the board, as 20 years ago, fully 42 percent of Americans regularly attended religious services. (Still not half.) The biggest drops in the ensuing time period have been among Catholics and the ever-increasing number of “nones” in American society. In general, the drops are from Christianity.

(The exception: Mormons have only lost one percentage point in attendance. Touch grass, you weirdos!)

Meanwhile, Muslim Americans and Jewish Americans have actually started attending a tiny bit more frequently during that time.

Finally, among the youngs, everybody hates Jesus and nobody ever goes and visits Him anymore because they’re too busy eating each other’s pronouns. At least that’s our interpretation of what Gallup said, we dunno, maybe you should check our work.

[Gallup]