North Carolina Republicans Hope To End Tyranny Of Participation Trophies

For too long, children have been forcing adults to give them plastic figurines, whether or not they are good at sports.

The Participation Trophy Generation, they call us.

Of all the cruelties that my generation inflicted upon adults when we were young, participation trophies were probably the worst. First, we invented the entire concept, and then we ruthlessly demanded that all of these poor, helpless adults give them to us for literally everything we did, even if we were bad at those things . We'd hoard them on our shelves and look at them every day, smugly congratulating ourselves for getting them even if we didn't work hard for them. Even if we spent our time in left field making flower crowns out of dandelions and trying to read books.

As a result, many of us grew up to become entitled brats who think "everyone" deserves health care or that "everyone" deserves a job that will allow them to eat food and live somewhere.

But now, some brave North Carolina Republican state senators are finally taking a stand and hoping to make participation trophies illegal. 

State Sen. Timothy Moffitt on Thursday introduced the "Eliminate Participation Trophies Act" ( SB 430 ), which would keep those glorious plastic figurines out of the greedy little hands of North Carolina children, preventing them from becoming as soft as we ended up being.

"Youth sports or other youth recreation activities operated under the authority of a local government shall not include awards for participants based solely on their participation in the sport or other activity," the proposed law states. "Awards provided in connection with the activity, if any, shall be based on identified performance achievements."

And no Miss Congeniality, either!

It is, of course, of utmost importance that we teach children the importance of winning and the joys of being better than other people at an early age, and the best way to do that is to ensure that they do not have any plastic figurine mementos of the time they played soccer for a year before giving it up because they got a soccer ball to the face and had to walk around with a giant bruise on their chin for several weeks. It is the only way they will learn these very important and valuable lessons.

Responsible adults simply must put an end to children giving themselves these participation trophies for doing nothing. "You have no power here! Not at this tee-ball game!" they will proudly shout. And then all of the children will cry and feel utterly worthless, but then they will work harder the next season, because of how very much they love and care about knick-knacks.

North Carolina Republicans are simply tired of seeing kids get away with everything. Earlier this year, they passed legislation that would require teachers to out LGBTQ children to their parents, because kids don't deserve the right to decide when and if they are going to share certain details of their lives with their parents — who have a right to know such things, so they can kick their kids out of their home if they so wish. Or send them to But I'm A Cheerleader camp.

Surely, this will all result in a generation of very well-adjusted, hardworking human beings.

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .

Wonkette is independent and fully funded by readers like you. Click below to tip us!