Not So Fast. Tabs, Fri., May 15, 2026

The meaning of the headline is a secret!

May 15, 2026

Oh hi, it’s your Friday tabs.

Donald Trump is on his way back from China, where he was thoroughly humiliated and mocked to his face by President Xi. How badly was he humiliated? So badly that this is his pathetic attempt to cover for the fact that Xi called the US a declining nation to his face.

Trump on Truth Social: When President Xi very elegantly referred to the United States as perhaps being a declining nation, he was referring to the tremendous damage we suffered during the four years of Sleepy Joe Biden and the Biden Administration, and on that score, he was 100% correct. Our Country suffered immeasurably with open borders, high taxes, transgender for everybody, men in women’s sports, DEI, horrible trade deals, rampant crime, and so much more! President Xi was not referring to the incredible rise that the United States has displayed to the world during the 16 spectacular months of the Trump Administration, which includes all-time high stock markets and 401K’s, military victory and thriving relationship in Venezuela, the military decimation of Iran (to be continued!) — Strongest military on earth by far, economic powerhouse again, with a record 18 trillion dollars being invested into the United States by others, best U.S. job market in history, with more people working in the United States right now than ever before, ending country destroying DEI, and so many other things that it would be impossible to readily list. In fact, President Xi congratulated me on so many tremendous successes in such a short period of time. Two years ago, we were, in fact, a Nation in decline. On that, I fully agree with President Xi! But now, the United States is the hottest Nation anywhere in the world, and hopefully our relationship with China will be stronger and better than ever before!

Sure, loser bitch, the president of China was talking about Joe Biden and “transgender for everybody, men in women’s sports, DEI,” and all of Biden’s bad trade deals, that’s what he meant when he invoked the “Thucydides Trap.” And suuuuure, Trump totally understands the reference. Suuuuuuuuuuure, you dumb bitch.

So that must be one of the most humiliating moments the United States of America has ever been through, right up there with all the other embarrassments Trump has directly caused. [Telegraph / Daily Beast / New York Times]

Colbert’s last show is nearing (May 21), and he spent some time last night making fun of Trump in China, because fuck Donald Trump is why.

You can officially keep getting your abortion pills online, per SCOTUS, and oh boy, Samuel Alito and Clarence Thomas are maaaaaaaad. [NBC News]

James Comer, stupidest hayseed pigfuck in the whole House of Representatives, says he’s probably running for Kentucky governor in 2027. Oh, won’t you miss him! [Mediaite]

Trump DOJ will drop charges against Indian billionaire indicted on bribery charges in exchange for him bribing them now? Sure sounds like it. [New York Times]

Jonathan V. Last’s letter to the “Panicrats” is WE ARE GOING TO WIN. So take heart. [JVL at the Bulwark]

Actual New York Times headline: Talarico’s Taco Order Turns Into a Texas-Sized Debate. Oh no, does James Talarico eat secret gay vegan breakfast tacos? [New York Times]

Catherine Rampell welcomes incoming Fed chair Kevin Warsh — who wanted this job SO BAD — to his new position, and explains that he is already “cooked.” For one thing, he’s not gonna be able to lower interest rates the way Trump is demanding. [Bulwark]

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For your Saturday movie night, per Ziggy: “We are watching A Street Cat Named Bob, it is available for free with ads on YouTube; free with ads on Tubi and Fandango at Home. $3.99 in the usual places.” So now you know!

Here is some Fats Waller.

Short tabs today, but hey, you’re not our real dad, so you don’t dictate how many words are in tabs. Goodbye until there are more stories for you to read!

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Jen has Puce Sarcasms

Call me cray, but when someone tells me "your house is falling apart" my immediate reaction is ALWAYS to say he means because the last owners did not do upkeep and I am making my house great again

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