Now Why Did You Get Up And Go In The Kitchen? The Answer Might Surprise You! Tabs, Tuesday, March 5, 2024

You went to get your tabs, they were in the icebox.

Is an Iranian assassin trying to kill former Secretary of State Mike Pompeo? That’s what the FBI says. [Semafor]

Historian Timothy Snyder assesses Mike Johnson’s tenure so far as speaker of the House: “In four months as Speaker of the House, Mike Johnson has given Russia a chance to win its war in Ukraine, and thereby turn the world towards tyranny.” God saw that, Mike, and he’s way more concerned about that than whether you’re looking at boobypeeners on the internet. [Timothy Snyder]

Kristin Welker, AKA the person who replaced Chuck Todd, sucks at her job, like Chuck Todd did. [Aaron Rupar]

Over-the-counter birth control? It’s coming! Like really soon! [New York Times]

Speaking of, does “Department of Life” sound particularly Orwellian to you? It should! [Axios]

Huntington Beach, California, is real purty. It’s also become “California’s MAGA shithole stronghold.” [Washington Post]

Here, have a a TREND PIECE on women (!!!) who buy houses (!!!!!!!) without even having husbands! … (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) [New York Times]

Speaking of trend pieces, Fox Business is pretty sure it found one, and it is called “gig-tripping,” and it was created by Taylor Swift. You see, what happens is you go out of town for a concert. The end. It’s the new thing, people. [Fox Business]

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Where did evangelicals go wrong? Where DIDN’T they? Peter Wehner. [Atlantic]

Oh no, it says here that earthworms are canceled. Fucking racists, probably. [Atlantic]

Just the basics: 28,000 square feet, 11 bedrooms, 19 baths, 750 gallon shark tank, 350 bottle wine cellar, indoor pool, bowling alley, movie theatre, WELLNESS AREA with sauna, some kind of Alice In Wonderland shit in the backyard GARDEN, it’s fine. The catch? It’s in Water Mill, New York, in the Hamptons, oh wait, that’s not a catch, that’s another feature. And we’re sure the sharks can’t be that big, and they likely cannot walk. Anyway, $59,500,000. [Zillow Gone Wild]

Here are 24 new food and drink books the editors of Food & Wine are loving this spring! [Food & Wine]

Let’s discuss the movies we watched this weekend. First of all, we know you’re probably well-versed in recent African history, because of how great the American media is at talking about such things. But if somehow you didn’t know about Bobi Wine, wow, that’s an interesting story! You see, he’s not only one of the biggest pop stars in Africa, he’s also pretty much the Navalny of the opposition to Ugandan dictator shitbag Yoweri Museveni, who is perhaps planning to leave office upon his death, but you never know. Bobi Wine — real name Robert Kyagulanyi Ssentamu — ran for president against Museveni in 2021 and maybe probably won, you know, had the votes of the actual people been counted. (No, we mean for real, not in the RIGGED AND STOLLEN way of the MAGA people.) Of course, Museveni shut down the internet for a week and surrounded Bobi Wine’s house for days while the election was going on, so who can say! He is in prison right now, we think, as is often the case in situations like this. Anyway, Bobi Wine: The People’s President is a good documentary! Nominated for a Best Documentary Feature Oscar. (Hulu)

We can now confirm that when people say All Of Us Strangers very much should have been nominated for all the Oscars, and that it is offensive that it wasn’t, and probably homophobic, they are correct. Jesus … we don’t even know what to tell you about this movie, except it’s just as special as everybody says. It’s probably extra meaningful to the gays, especially those above 35 or so, but it’s for everybody. [Hulu]

Also, between All Of Us Strangers and 2022’s Aftersun, we are pretty sure at this point we’d be willing to watch Paul Mescal watch paint dry. [Hulu, all of these are on Hulu]

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Cannot believe we have not put this in one of our tabs-es yet. This one is for the drankers. If you are not familiar with this distillery out of Alameda, California, called St. George Spirits, and if you can get it or order it where you are, GO GET IT. Try all of it, but over Christmas we were with a friend in New York and walked into their neighborhood liquor store, where they were doing a tasting of this stuff, and we both looked at each other after tasting the Spiced Pear Liqueur and both said, “Oh my God. I am buying this.” Also gave it as Christmas gifts. Everything we’ve tried is wonderful. We are currently looking at a bottle of the pear liqueur and one of the Terroir Gin. (What, your liquor bar isn’t above your work desk?) They have a handy little booze locator on their website, which will show you which restaurants/bars/liquor dispensaries you can find their stuff at.

And yes, St. George people, if you see this and you want to do a personal sponsorship deal with me (or I guess with Wonkette in general), I am absolutely down, because I will sell your dranks to ERRRYONE. [St. George Spirits]

OK that’s enough. Go forth and meet the day.

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Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

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@evanjosephhurst on Threads!

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