Obama Admits Jesus Does Not Speak To Him Personally

According to the New York Times , President Obama is currently on a "tour of American backyards," whatever that means. ("Stop telling me it's urgent I speak with my generals, Rahm. I'm looking at this lovely rock garden these folks put around their in-ground pool.") And in one such backyard in Arizona today, a citizen spotted the president rummaging through her compost bin and decided to ask him a few questions. And when he was asked about his Christian beliefs, he basically admitted Jesus of Nazareth does not show up in the White House for one-on-one chats. If you had any doubt Obama IS NOT THE REAL PRESIDENT, you don't now.

President Obama expounded Tuesday on the reasons he became a Christian as an adult, telling a group of residents here that he was a "Christian by choice" and that "the precepts of Jesus Christ spoke to me in terms of the kind of life that I would want to lead – being my brother and sister’s keeper."

First of all, you do not choose Jesus, Obama; he chooses you (because you are white and middle-aged and live in a rural area). And second of all, Jesus does not speak to you in any of these gay "precepts." He speaks to you PERSONALLY, in your HEART, because you are special and he believes in you and both of you are native English speakers.

Mr. Obama, who has been criticized by conservative pundits who have questioned his Christian faith, gave a lengthy discourse on it in response to a woman who said she had three “hot topic questions” for him. The first was: "Why are you a Christian?" The second was on abortion — the president said it should be "safe, legal and rare" — and her third was whether Mr. Obama would accept her husband’s chili pepper. He said he would.

"Accept her husband's chili pepper"? This is not how marriages work, lady. Your gay husband is supposed to keep thoughts of people touching his chili pepper IN HIS HEAD, where Jesus can battle those thoughts and kill their gayness with his huge, sweaty sword. [ NYT ]