Obama Nominates Leon Panetta To Lead War Department

• Old-timey Clinton hack and current CIA Top Spy Leon Panetta is slated to take over the War Department! Do we mean, "The Department of Defense, Heil Hitler?" Nope! The War Department. Because when's the last time the United States was invaded and had to defend itself? The War of 1812? Maybe that time we tried to stop The Beatles from singing songs? (This is why we need those new stealth fingerbanger bombers -- what if The Beatles try to visit America again?) Panetta is "politically savvy," apparently, and that is why he will make the perfect War Secretary. (Obama doesn't need another jerk-wad secretary tellin' him that robot-bombing Libyais a dumb idea.) Oh, also: Famous war monger Dave Petraeus will be the new Central Intelligence chief. Congratulations to all the people who are about to get robot-bombed/assassinated by Jason Bourne. [ The Hill ]

• Just a friendly reminder: BP will resume raping the Gulf of Mexico, again, very soon. Billions of dollars will be made! And soon all of this $$$ will trickle down to the dead sea creatures/ruined ecosystems/children with cancer. Just kidding. It won't. [ AP ]

• Everything is terrible but at least we have armadillos, right? Yeah, except ARMADILLOS SPREAD LEPROSY. [ CNN ]