Official 'Kick Me' Sign Now Available From Jeb! Bush Campaign Swag Shop

• Jeb -- sorry, Jeb! -- Bush is joining the GOP clustermess, despite our sincere advice to spare himself the shame and not do that. He even has this handy logo that's just been collecting dust in his basement since the ’90s, so might as well. And in case you haven't heard him the first dozen times, he pinky-swearsagainthat he is NOT going to be just like his brother:

  Jeb is different than George. Jeb is who he is. My life story is different. And I got to do that when I ran as governor, and I got to share my passion for service when I wasn't governor. And telling that story is going to be part of this. I don't have to disassociate myself from my family. I love them. But I know that for me to be successful, I'm going to have to show my heart, tell my story.

  Jeb! not like his family. Jeb! own man. Jeb! be president now? (No.) We've already seen countless obituaries for the Jeb! campaign before it's even started, but that's sure to stop once he stops pretending he's just thinking about it. You know, articles like this one:  

  Jeb Bush had a plan for the last six months he spent as an unannounced candidate for president. He would raise tens of millions of dollars, distinguish himself from his brother’s controversial presidency, start winning over conservatives and establish himself as the Republican to beat for his party’s nomination.

  Other than raising the money, little has gone as he had hoped. He has been torn between defending and distancing himself from George W. Bush, been unable to assuage party activists uneasy with his immigration and education views, and run into a wall of opposition on the right. And now, as he prepares to make his candidacy official on Monday, Mr. Bush finds himself in a position he could not have imagined: Part of a pack of candidates, and the target of questions about his own competence and conservatism.

  Just to rub some salt in the wound, there's even a dig from John McCain:

  “He just hasn’t met the expectation level of what we expected of a Bush,” said Senator John McCain, Republican of Arizona, who is supporting Senator Lindsey Graham’s candidacy but likes Mr. Bush. “And that’s been a hindrance to him.”

  Fairly certain that is not meant as a compliment and that McCain, like so many of us, is quite enjoying the sad spectacle of Jeb! proving he's not the smart one after all.

• Here is someone who clearlyisa smart one. Can we have this kid for president of something?

  When 17-year-old Raymond Wang saw the Ebola outbreak on the news last year, it got him thinking about viruses and how they spread around the world, especially on airplanes.

  He dug into the literature, and found some disconcerting studies. For instance, one study estimated that a person sick with H1N1 swine flu has the potential to infect 17 others during a 17 hour flight.

  Wang thought commercial airlines could do better. So he went to work.

  Using computer simulations, Wang designed a device that can potentially curb disease transmission on planes by optimally directing airflow in a cabin. [...]

  And oh yeah, the device won the teen $75,000 — and the top prize — at this years Intel International Science and Engineering Fair in Pittsburgh in May.

• Go on, keep illegally downloading your favorite episodes of "Friends," if you insist, but Warner Bros. is going to come after you so hard. Right in the face. Our friends and experts on all things TV report at Happy Nice Time People:  

  Sorry to be a narc, everybody, but Warner Bros is demanding settlement money from internet users who downloaded or shared episodes of Friends. If your ISP address was used for that purpose, Warner Bros. will be sending you an automated letter (you can read a copy of the letter here ) demanding a whopping $20 in exchange for making the whole “ five years in prison and $250,000 in fines ” thing go away.

  Huh. I guess we should have taken those anti-piracy commercials more seriously.

• Booze it up, Iowa, it's your right:  

  An Iowa woman should not have been charged with public intoxication for standing drunk on her own front steps after calling authorities for help following a domestic altercation, the Iowa Supreme Court ruled on Friday. [...]

  "If the front stairs of a single-family residence are always a public place, it would be a crime to sit there calmly on a breezy summer day and sip a mojito, celebrate a professional achievement with a mixed drink of choice, or even baste meat on the grill with a bourbon-infused barbeque sauce — unless one first obtained a liquor license," [Justice Daryl] Hecht wrote.

  Damn straight. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, even if that means being fall-down drunk on your own property.

•  The miracles of science:  

  A young South African man who had the world's first successful penis transplant last December has impregnated his girlfriend, the doctor who led the surgery said on Friday.

  The 22-year-old man, who has not been named, is among around 250 South Africans who lose their penises each year in botched traditional circumcisions.

• Oh and just in case you missed it, Wonkette had a baby.