Oh Go Fuck Yourself, Devin Nunes

Christ what a fucking idiot

Pretty much every week we have a story about how House Intelligence Committee Chair Devin Nunes is a lying crapweasel who's wasting America's time, and this week is no different. Recently we learned Nunes had convened a secret working group of fellow traveler GOP idiots on the Intel committee, so they could find the #SmokingGun that proves the FBI is colluding with Hillary Clinton and Russia to hurt Donald Trump's feelings. And now they're finished, we guess, so we can see what they found! Except for how we CAN'T see the results of their work, because Nunes won't show us. 

It all started on Friday, conveniently the morning after the House Intelligence Committee released the transcript of its interview with Glenn Simpson, the co-founder of Fusion GPS, which commissioned the British spy work that became THE DOSSIER. (We liveblogged ALL ONE MILLION PAGES of it!) Of course, as that testimony showed, and as Simpson's earlier testimony to the Senate Judiciary Committee showed, GOP conspiracy theories about how the FBI conspired with Hillary Clinton and Satan to #Pizzagate THE DOSSIER into existence are absolutely full of shit. Nunes ain't want us to know that, so he yelled "SQUIRREL!"

So it was that #ReleaseTheMemo became the most popular hashtag on Twitter, at least for brainwashed Republicans and Russian bots. (Weird how they are always in lockstep NO COLLUSION, EVERYBODY AGREES THERE IS NO COLLUSION!)

And what is THE MEMO? Oh it's just a #classified thing Nunes's aides scribbled in wet poo about how they found the #SmokingGun that proves the FBI and Hillary are having gay sex with each other, in bed.

So, to be clear: House Republicans are mounting a "campaign" with Russian bots to convince Trump, who has the authority to declassify stuff, to release Little Devin's Very Important Memo. It is just a really good campaign.

Of course, they won't show the FBI or the Justice Department the #SmokingGun memo Nunes made up, which is weird, because you'd think if the FBI or Justice was up to no good, at the very least the FBI's Office of Inspector General might want to know about it.

Look at this shitfrom GOP Rep. Mike Conaway, who has been running the Russia investigation ever since Devin Nunes "recused" himself:  

“They’re the ones that have the problem,” said Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Texas). “I think given the seriousness of this one and the players, this should go to the president first.” [...]

Asked why the committee wouldn’t share the memo with FBI Director Christopher Wray, whom Trump appointed last year, Conaway said Wray is surrounded by Obama administration holdovers who, he implied, could not be trusted.

Fuck you, Mike Conaway. "Obama administration holdovers." What he MEANS to say is that FBI Director Chris Wray refuses to fire the career people he works with (yes, including   Deputy Director Andrew McCabe, who is guilty of being #RIGGED against Trump, because he is married to a Democrat) and replace them with shit-sniffing Trump morons with no regard for the Constitution or America. Indeed, the late breaking news is that Wray threatened to resign under Trump's pressure to fire McCabe, so thank God Donald Trump accidentally nominated a patriot to run the FBI.

By the way, this, we guess, is the #SmokingGun:

Sources familiar with the memo ... say it claims that senior FBI officials abused a secret surveillance program, commonly known as FISA, to target the Trump campaign last fall. According to three people who have viewed it, the memo suggests that FBI agents seeking a fall 2016 warrant to surveil Trump campaign adviser Carter Page concealed the role a controversial private dossier alleging Kremlin influence over Trump played in their decision.

Oh for Christ's sake.

House Republicans and Trump believe that if THE DOSSIER was in any way a part of that decision, that means the FISA warrant was fake and bad (Democrat-funded conspiracy!), even if there were a million other reasons for the warrant, like for instance that the FBI had already started an investigation into the Trump campaign based on intelligence drunkenly ejaculated by young George Papadopoulos. (Also? Carter Page has been on the FBI's radar FOR YEARS, because he is the stupidest Russian intelligence recruit of all time.)

Also remember, the only reason the memos that became the dossier were shared with the FBI in the first place are because British spy Christopher Steele has more patriotism in his right nut than Devin Nunes has in his entire body, and he was extremely concerned for America's national security in the face of evidence of a massive conspiracy between the Trump campaign and Russia.

ALSO TOO remember that, contra the protestations of Nunes and fellow House GOP fuckwagons like Jim Jordan and Louie Gohmert, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO PAID FOR THE FUCKING DOSSIER, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES. 

All that matters is whether shit is true .

But really, is this anything? Well Donald Trump Jr. is tweeting about it and "some say" this is just like Watergate, but actually , survey says no. Politico notes that some House Republicans, the ones who aren't in Devin Nunes's adult daycare group, say their colleague's big memo "may be less than advertised."

Let's ask grown-up Republican senator John Cornyn about what the unruly children in the House are up to:

... [A]sked about some of the House Republicans’ hot-blooded comments about the memo, Sen. John Cornyn (R-Texas) smiled.

“I think there’s a lot of paranoia around here when it comes to that topic,” he said.

Uh huh. And Democratic House Intel Committee ranking member Adam Schiff, what do you say? 

Rep. Adam Schiff of California ... last week called the memo “a profoundly misleading set of talking points drafted by Republican staff attacking the FBI and its handling of the investigation.”

“This may help carry White House water,” he added, “but it is a deep disservice to our law enforcement professionals.”

TALKING POINTS.

#ReleaseTheTalkingPoints!!!!11!!!!1!

Fucking hell.

So now, Devin Nunes will go to the White House to share the TOP SECRET MEMO his office wrote, so Donald Trump can ... what? Tweet about it? RELEASE THE MEMO? Something tells us this latest Devin Nunes Special works better if they don't release it, but just keep yelling about it a lot.

(Nunes, by the way, is also very upset the FBI has reportedly misplaced a bunch of sexts between FBI lovers/Trump haters Peter Strzok and Lisa Page, either because those sexts probably also have the #SmokingGun about FBI conspiracies against Trump, or maybe Nunes just wants to masturbate to the hot sexts.)

Remember last year, when Nunes went to the White House to get TOP SECRET CLASSIFIED INFORMATION about improper Obama administration "unmasking," then immediately Ubered to the White House to tell the White House all the stuff the White House had just told him? Remember how well that went for him? Remember how once Adam Schiff saw that TOP SECRET INFORMATION, he just LOLed, because Devin Nunes is really stupid?

This is like that.

Remember that time Frank Bruni from the New York Times   had a source who memorably said of Devin Nunes, "No one is asking him to bring the potato salad to the MENSA picnic"?

They're still not asking.

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[ Politico ]