OK, For the Last Time: Sort-of Basically Live Blogging
9: 04PM:Why don't they just let the candidates pander for a bit, rather than waste time on the first question pandering? Oh wait. . . it's ALL pandering. . .
9: 08PMFirst "nuisance" bite, Kerry responds with "outsourcing"! Dueling words-made-to-sound-like-they're-bad.
9: 09PM:Kerry is all about killing terrorists. Hunting and KILLING. But will he torture them? Will he rip off their heads and shit down their necks? I just don't think he's sincere.
9: 10PM:For vaccines we relied on ENGLAND!!!!?!?!? Wait, where's Canada and their pretend drugs? Come back Canada!!!
9: 11PM:Awesome: The President hasn't gotten a flu shot. . . because of frivolous lawsuits.
9: 12PM:"A plan is not a litany of complaints." No, a plan is a series oversimplified slogans and focus-grouped sound-bites !
9: 16PM:Bush: "Paygo means. . . you pay. . . and he goes away and spends your money ." Oh, god. That's really fucking clever. Pay. . . GO! You pay... he goes. See: You PAY. HE GOES. No, wait, let's break it down. . .
9: 20PM:Kerry: Tony Soprano reference. Someone is going to wake up with John Kerry's head under the covers. . .
9: 24PM:Bush: Whoo! Did he really just say whoo? It's the cheerleader in him.
9: 27PM:Q: Is homosexuality a choice? A: I am not a gay.
9: 29PM:WHAT?!?! Dick Cheney's daughter is a gay!?! Shit. This changes everything.
9: 31PM:BREAKING: John Kerry is Catholic.
9: 32PM:JOHN KENNEDY ALSO CATHOLIC. Coincidence?
9: 34PM:Bush: "Buggy and horse days"? Is he talking about the gays again?
9: 39PM:Schieffer says that Kerry has a "massive plan." Yes . . . you can tell by the size of his hands.
9: 40PM:Kerry is boring me with his Litany of Health Care Complaints.
9: 43PM:NOTE TO READERS: We saw the foam, too. The voice in Bush's ear told him to wipe it off.
9: 45PM:Kerry is against accepting invitations to disaster; yeah he just RSVPs and then never shows up.
9: 50PM:Bush: "He forgot. . . " ( Shit, it's not Poland. . . I know he forgot Poland. . . )
9: 51PM:Shorter Bush: "Nothing bad is my fault."
9: 54PM:Wow, Kerry's even got a litany of complaints about immigration. He's really well prepared.
9: 56PM:An operative comments: "Bush, on the other hand, doesn't even have a litany of complaints about Iraq."
9: 58PM:I am so bored.
10: 00PM:"No child left behind is really a jobs act," says Bush. Of course. And Social Security is really a missile defense program. And Federal Highways funding? Actually a part of the Metric Conversion Office. And clean coal legislation helps you make soup.
10: 05PM:Kerry. . . massive plan. . . relieving the pressure . . . mmmmm. . .
10: 06PM:Bush: "The best way to get the troops home is to send them to Iraq." There's not even a joke to make about that.
10: 07PM:"U.S. OUT OF MY GUTS!!"
10: 10PM:I don't think it's just me. This is really fucking boring.
10: 11PM:Operative comment: "Wouldn't it have been easier to just shoot Delay with an assault weapon rather than to try to fight him over the ban?"
10: 14PM:BREAKING: Bush likes black people just fine. Also, education is good. And, wait: EDUCATION FOR BLACK PEOPLE. . . is okay, too. Unless they have guns. Educated guns are bad.
10: 17PM:Bush can "feel" when people pray for him. It's like frottage.
10: 20PM:I mean, really: Snoozeville. Though I probably shouldn't have done those shots earlier. . . The ones at breakfast.
10: 25PM:Bush: "I love the strong women around me. As many as possible. As long as possible."
10: 28PM:Kerry closing speech: "Sound bite, sound bite, aspirational sound bite, hand gesture, God bless America, kill terrorists."
10: 30PM:Bush closing speech: "God, education, sound bite, blink, compassion, pander, blink, pander, God, terror, blink, blink, liberty, God, terror, I rock."
10: 31PM:Our call: Bob Schieffer wins. Audience loses. French neutral. America safer now that Saddam is out of power. No, wait. . . Fuck. What did the media tell me again?