Hi hi Wonkerino/as! It is time for us to sit on our couches, separately and together, and watch the best president of my life and I am 51 years old as he yells at the country.
I am in but just the most terrible mood; my husband asked if we should step down our nicotine patches and I am the jerk who said yes. So if I have already yelled at you today, just imagine I am Joe Biden, and you’re an ungrateful fuck!
Shall we watch? Will mama get her blooging muscles back? (No.) Sheeit, let’s go.
8:53 p.m.: Hi again, we’re all here. This is a thing Dok claims is “cute,” I guess we shall see HENGH? President Independence Day seems kind of Nick Nolte hobo crazy, I hope he’s okay.
Kamala Harris is standing next to the House (?) Speaker (??) Mike Johnson, and has not murdered him with her fists, so that’s fabulous, good for her. Here come da judge!
Nota bene, I am watching on NBC, because that is what the Roku TV came up with as my live SOTU option of least resistance. So if you’re watching the PBS stream I put here, maybe we will see different things! And that’s … okay. We contain multitudes. Swear to god NBC news person just called Justice Neal Gorsuch “Neal Horseshit.”
Troy Nehls is wearing this Trump mug shot shirt.
That makes no sense. You are supposed to make fun of the mug shot, with Trump mug shot glasses. What a bunch of idiots.
9:12 p.m.: Look at that dork-ass Cabinet. Buncha dorks.
Oh yeah, mama remembers how to bloog all right.
9:17 p.m.: Mr. Speaker, it’s Old Handsome Joe! So we’ll see you again in like 15 minutes after he gets to the front because he walks so slow because SO OLD!
(You know what’s old? That “joke.” I’m getting fucking sick of it. How about you.)
Here is a nice lady trying to talk to Joe Biden, and here is a deranged stalker. SHE WILL NOT BE IGNORED DAN.
9:27 p.m.: Joe Biden opens with a joke, threatens to leave. I remember when the NAACP booed Old Joe … because after yapping and spinning yarns for what must have been days, he said, “let me close.”
That was a mighty fast segue from “genial Joe” to “let’s have a war.” (Ukraine, not the other one we don’t speak about because all y’all are mean to me.)
Joe said some other stuff, I was looking up that time he was chilling with the NAACP. But now it is …
9:37 p.m: and he is talking about Roe v. Wade, and House (?) Speaker (??) Mike Johnson looks like he ate a frog.
Aw SHUCKS!
Joe is saying nice things about the ladies, because he loves the ladies, and they love Cool Joe.
9:40 p.m.: Joe is YELLING about CONOMY. YOU TELL EM BOUT CONOMY JOE. How many manufacturing jobs? ALL OF THEM KATIE? Sright! Joe would like to know why y’all are having all “good vibes” about economy, telling U of M, like, oh yeah, we are having real good household incomes, we’re gonna go out on our boat and drink some silver bullets, and then telling the presidential polls you are a little match girl dying in the gutter of starvation and sad? Why do you do that? Why you lie?
Dok is in the chatcave, he says I missed a part about COVID, because of how I wasn’t listening. He brought a visual aid, it is:
He says Joe said, “My predecessor failed the most basic presidential duty that he owed to the American people. The duty to care. I think that's unforgivable.” So you could see why pud right there would be shaking his head.
Joe’s talking about UAW now. WOOT WOOT! DETROIT! “Wall Street didn’t build the country — they’re not bad guys though. The middle class built the country, and UNIONS BUILT THE MIDDLE CLASS!” Everybody all clapping and happy and YAY JOE and there’s old sourpuss up there and he is my favorite thing I have ever watched in the entire world.
What did I just say? WOOT WOOT? Well here is Shawn Fain WOOT WOOT MOTHERFUCKERING.
It is 9:52 p.m. and we are talking about Obamacare — still a very big deal! And he ain’t gonna let you little bitches or the last little bitch try to repeal Bamz’s shit! Also, he would like to build on what he’s done — and what progressives and libs and centrists and ERREBODY has begged for for DECADES and that is “negotiating with Big Pharma for seniors” — and cap medications for everyone.
I would like to know why the 81 percent of women according to that badstupid NYT poll say none of his policies have personally helped them. You ain’t got Medicare OR canceled student loans OR a manufacturing job OR any job at all OR wage gains OR any of it Katie?
I think you’re a fucking liar.
THIS ONE:
Oh we’re still going? Dang. I’m fading. Give me some of that Ronny Jackson White House speed pls!
Now Joe is talking about Trump’s Big Fat Tax Cut For Assholes, and he’s leading a call and response of Democrats shouting and hooting and yelling NOOOO about how unfair Trump’s bullshit was. It’s hilarious we thought the MGTs and Boobertses were going to be the rabblers.
I HAVE MET THE RABBLERS AND THEY ARE WE!
(Grammar, bitches!)
Joe doing CLASS WAR on billionaires (paying an average of 8 percent). The Dems (the ladies so beautiful in suffragette white) are gnashing and pitchforking and murdering and all the things.
It’s wonderful :)
Now Grampa Joe is talking about “shrinkflation.” “No, this is a real thing! It’s the same size bag, but there’s fewer chips in it!” We know Joe. It’s terrible! Now tell us about what you just did about the junk fees, because even Wonkette hasn’t covered it, even though every day I say, hey, have we covered the junk fees yet?
Oh good, Joe Biden is telling people about how he just murdered the bank fees to only $8, just like he wants to murder the billionaires by making them pay 25 percent in taxes just like everybody else.
10:09 p.m.: Okay, this is interesting: fuck, Roku won’t let me pause. Okay, so Joe was talking about the border and how they negotiated, and Sen. Jim Lankford, the OK Republican who did all the negotiating and then got absolutely mob-whacked by Mike Johnson refusing to bring the border bill up for a vote, is sitting there looking like an ax murderer, he is so angry at Johnson.
And as Biden is speaking, Johnson is rocking back and forth, and shaking his head, and just all of it, he is so APPALLED by the UNFAIRNESS of Biden saying Johnson wouldn’t bring the border bill up for a vote in the House because Trump demanded he not.
And then MTG starts shouting “SAY HER NAME” at Biden because a young woman got murdered by an immigrant so Joe did. Joe said her name. He said he would like to talk to her parents, he understands losing a child, but MTG just kept shouting.
Anyway, that’s what I got from it, fuckin Roku wouldn’t pause.
10:15 p.m.: Joe is yelling about the John Lewis voting rights act. DO IT. PASS IT. STOP BEING FUCKING DICKS.
And within a damn minute, Joe is bragging about how he is doing more on climate change than anyone in the history of the world. AND THAT’S ANOTHER ONE, WOMEN WHO SAY JOE HAS DONE NOTHING POLICY WISE FOR YOU, GRRRR, BECAUSE ALL THIS SHIT IS TRUE.
10:18 p.m. (this is going so fast!): Joe is talking about how America is safer, how crime is dropping (TRUE), and somebody is yelling REAL loud and I don’t know what they’re saying. Maybe ask Twitter, just kidding, that place is a useless nazi pit now.
10:21 p.m.: Okay, we are on the Middle East. He starts with what Hamas did on Oct. 7, and promises he won’t stop until the hostages (Hamas could give up the hostages, you know) are home. AND YET. He points out that Israel has a “fundamental responsibility” to protect civilians in Gaza, and Israel has not been doing that. He gives it more words than that, a lot more, talking about what the Palestinians are suffering. He talks about the port he’s going to build to bring in aid, “and Israel must do its part.” And he’s right. “Humanitarian assistance cannot be a secondary consideration, or a bargaining chip.” The Squad have varying reactions. Ayanna Pressley nods seriously. Ilhan Omar looks down at her lap. She does not seem impressed.
10:30 p.m.: We’re on China somehow, I am behind. Fentanyl? AI? A backpack? Oh, the burn pits. Poor old Joe, and his late son Beau. Now it is time to end cancer as we know it. We should do that. People would STILL bitch he didn’t do nothin’ for him.
And let me close with this, Joe says, just like he said all those years ago and just like the NAACP did then, the crowd moans, noooo. Well, says Joe, I am old! And I have seen some shit! I been around! I have seen our country, and I hate hate! Unlike that piece of shit before me who is also old and loves hate! And fuck that guy! And it’s not how old you are, it’s how old the one you feel is! (That was for the pervs, you are welcome.)
Anyway, I think we’re good here. You good? I’m good.
And that was fuckin great.
I should really be working on the movie post right now. Y'all are so distracting. In a good way!
Oh my you are a chatty bunch tonight!