One Million Moms Mad At Ham

Not even for a good reason, either. All the meaty sex puns in this post were written by us.

When we saw that the One Million Moms (this one shut-in weirdo creeper mom named Monica Cole from Tupelo, Mississippi) were mad at Hillshire Farms, we were so excited. Surely this meant Hillshire Farms had come out with some hilarious commercial full of lunchmeat double entendres about rolling up salami and putting it in your mouth, right? Some ad campaign about who can fit the most sausages in their mouth? Something about how their meat will bring all the boys to the yard? Something about once you taste their meat you’ll never stop tasting it? Or smoking it? Something?

We searched Hillshire Farms products while doing research for this post — it’s called jour-na-lism — and we found HARDWOOD SMOKED SAUSAGE and SAUSAGE ROPE and KIELBASA and LIL’ SMOKIES and just about every other Urban Dictionary thesaurus entry for dicks, Hillshire Farms sells all of it.

We want to read the One Millions Moms’ histrionics about sausage ropes.

But instead, and in yet another example of what a boring, lifeless prude Monica Cole is, she’s mad Hillshire Farms has a commercial that says “Hill yeah.” Yes, that’s it. This antisocial loser sent an entire email out because a lunchmeat company made a pun on “Hell yeah.”

We know these people believe a lot of things about the afterlife, but if God says, “And you, Monica? What did you do during your brief time on Earth?” does she really think “I got mad at ham because ham was being very slightly naughty” will get her into Heaven? Does she actually think this will get her a “Well done, my good and faithful servant”?

They insinuated profanity. Didn’t actually use it, just insinuated that it exists.

God fucking hates this woman’s emails, guaranteed.

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Cole writes:

Hillshire Farm’s smoked sausage and lunchmeat commercials include a double entendre that is inappropriate and unnecessary. Foul language (or the implication of it) is not needed in this or any commercial, but that is obviously what Hillshire Farm intended with their play on words.

A double entendre! The implication of foul language! And she knows they meant it, too, she caught ‘em with their meat in their hands.

[T]he commercial ends right after the insinuated but obvious profane ending, “Oh, Hill Yeah.”

Hillshire Farm chose to include phrases that sound just like curse words and to end the ad with viewers understanding exactly what was implied.

Didn’t even try to fool the viewers. Now they know Hillshire Farms knows about hot hard cylindrical meats AND light swears.

Hillshire Farm has deliberately decided to produce controversial advertisements instead of wholesome ones.

“One purse-lipped church lady in Tupelo bellyaching” does not a “controversial” ad make, but OK.

What’s worse, Hillshire Farm’s advertisements air during prime time, when families are most likely to be watching. How damaging and destructive to children! […] Everyone knows kids repeat what they hear.

Without the ham company with the G-rated commercial that lightly insinuates a swear that literally doesn’t even register on the official Wonkette CockDickMotherfuckerShitBallsPigfuck scale of cusses — AKA the scientific standard — none of these children would ever learn that somewhere out there, in dark, crime-ridden hellholes where good Christians don’t dare venture, people are saying things like “Hell yeah.” Probably while playing cards in saloons!

If this woman knew how kids actually talk — likely her own kids, considering how she’s been at this One Million Moms grift for 15 years, which implies she’s been a mom that long — she’d die of a heart attack right then and there.

Fucking dork.

OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst on Twitter right here. 

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