Discover more from Wonkette
Oregon Militia Will Beg For Snacks In Jail After Fed Shootout Leaves 1 Dead, 8 In Custody
Robert "LaVoy" Finicum, who died in the shootout.
Guys, we are not sure, but we think big gub'mint tyranny may have winned. How else to explain what transpired Tuesday night as jackbooted feds descended upon the Oregon militia boys (and little girls! ) illegally occupying the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, during a traffic stop, and started a shooty-shooty, which ended with the feds arresting dingbat militia leader Ammon Bundy and six other constitutionally ignorant dongbeavers. The shootout claimed one casualty, 55-year-old Robert "LaVoy" Finicum, the group's spokesman. Bundy BFF and militia dickwhistle Jon Ritzheimer turned himself in and was subsequently arrested in Peoria, Arizona, around the same time, according to the FBI.
[contextly_sidebar id="oVTyKTLjBymPYBWVn5EVlp2Msz4qEeaQ"]According to what Ammon Bundy told his wife, as reported by another dingbat, Nevada Assemblywoman and big-tittied militia fetishist Michele Fiore, the shooting was TOTALLY UNPROVOKED, so we guess BLM stands for Bundy Lives Matter now, who even knows?
Fiore, a vocal supporter of the Bundy family, said that Ammon Bundy told his wife that Finicum was cooperating with police when he was shot.
But sources told The Oregonian/OregonLive that Finicum and Ryan Bundy disobeyed orders to surrender and resisted arrest.
Oh, so maybe it wasn't completely "Hands Up Don't Shoot."
Ryan Bundy got shooted too, by the way, but did not die.
You'll remember LaVoy Finicum as the dude who was interviewed under a tarp, either because it was cold or because that's where he chose to hide from the government on national television. Oh, and his code name may or may not have been "Fluffy Unicorn," because why wouldn't it be?
While it's easy to laugh, Wonkette takes no pleasure in this guy dying. Dude was a nutbag, obviously, because he was prepared to die for the "noble" cause of teaching the federal government a lesson about whether or not it's allowed to own land (obviously not, according to these morons). However, he also talked lovingly about his family in this interview with NBC News, and we're sorry for pain they're in right now.
</center>Also very sad about the loss of their BFF, whose name they apparently cannot spell through their grief, is whoever runs the Bundy Ranch <a href="https: //www.facebook.com/bundyranch/posts/951198421623633" target="_blank">Facebook</a> account: <p><img id="48814" data-rm-shortcode-id="31a5e87df567d7a386448a88e5590657" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY3NjQwMC9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTcwOTEyNDc0M30.4ptWA3hZcqdbVJYe6bPHIgifWo9v8OyH5-522q05_u8/img.png?width=980" /> </p><p>Wonkette doesn't take pleasure in this whole fuckshow of a resolution either, because it gives militia-supporting dildo-weasels EXACTLY the martyrdom story they need to prove that YEP FOR SURE the government is doing tyranny to them, and it must be stopped. </p><p>It is definitely OK to laugh at the others now in federal custody, though. Here, from the FBI, is the full list of which dorkwad losers the gub'mint done captured in Oregon: </p><p/><blockquote>* Ammon Edward Bundy, age 40, of Emmett, Idaho <p>* Ryan C. Bundy, age 43, of Bunkerville, Nevada </p><p>* Brian Cavalier, age 44, of Bunkerville, Nevada </p><p>* Shawna Cox, age 59, Kanab, Utah </p><p>* Ryan Waylen Payne, age 32, of Anaconda, Montana </p><p>* Joseph Donald O'Shaughnessy, age 45, of Cottonwood, Arizona </p><p>* Peter Santilli, age 50, of Cincinnati, Ohio</p></blockquote> <p>[contextly_sidebar id="0ADn7QQSKsANJKlaNONfgZL9N425XZQH"]Not in custody? That <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/charming-oregon-militia-dudes-totally-harmless-except-for-the-murderer-maybe" target="_blank">buddy</a> of theirs who murdered his dad. Maybe he was busy doing more murder or something and missed the big showdown. </p><p>The FBI says they are all charged with the same thing: "felony charge of conspiracy to impede officers of the United States from discharging their official duties through the use of force, intimidation, or threats." Ooh, FELONIES! All together now: ENJOY PRISON, FELICIA! </p><p>These buttnuggets occupied a bird-watching sanctuary for the heroic purpose of <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/bundy-family-sovereign-citizen-loons-have-special-constitution-that-says-they-can-steal-all-our-sht" target="_blank">supporting</a> criminals convicted of committing arson on federal land. And once they were firmly ensconced in their little federally owned hidey cave in the wilderness, oh what fun was had! </p><p>[contextly_sidebar id="lO5GdjisHWkSV9i9q7boaYmDC9tQgTOS"]For one thing, they quickly realized they really, really, REALLY <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/white-armed-militia-dudes-are-human-and-they-need-to-be-loved-also-snacks" target="_blank">needed some snacks,</a> because they totally forgot to fill their fanny packs with snacks like their moms told them to. They <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/bundy-militia-boys-need-miracle-whip-tampons-and-those-cakes-we-like" target="_blank">needed</a> Miracle Whip and tampons and those Walmart underpanties Ammon Bundy likes to wear on his freedom berries, and oh could you also send some Pall Mall Menthol 100's? </p><p>[contextly_sidebar id="kjmZOPVYeIB8fQIccoNKVWaITxnt4azh"]Instead, America doubled over laughing and <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/oregon-militia-dongweasels-too-good-for-free-dildos-we-guess" target="_blank">mailed them</a> a bunch of dildos, which made militia dude Ritzheimer SO MAD BRO. Shall we watch that video again and giggle? </p><p/><center><span style="display:block;position:relative;padding-top:56.25%;" class="rm-shortcode" data-rm-shortcode-id="4b67330f18203c93409994e0c302038e"><iframe lazy-loadable="true" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/_sXnZxiJjGw?rel=0" width="100%" height="auto" frameborder="0" scrolling="no" style="position:absolute;top:0;left:0;width:100%;height:100%;">Oh well, it's over now we guess. RIP LaVoy Finicum and all those wasted dildos and freedom and America and stuff.
Now look, commenters: We know there are parts of this story that are funny. The dead guy is not the funny part. And let's all remember to obey the fucking Rules For Commenting Radicals, OK? We don't want to have to do any jackbooted tyranny to you by threatening you with the Banhammer Of Loving Correction.
You may commence to making comments, which are not allowed.