Paul Ryan Has A 'Book,' Bald Eagle Poop Isn't Purple, And Other News You Can Maybe Use

Aug 20, 2014

Good morning, everything is terrible again.

- Hooray, Rep. Paul Ryan (R-His Butt) has a new book out, calledHow I Learned To Stop Caring What Jesus Actually Had To Say Because I Sure Do Hate The Poors, or whatever he's calling it, who cares? Courtesy of The Agenda Project Action Fund, please enjoy the original book cover above. You're welcome.

- What the cluck ?
  A 23-year-old state Republican Party staffer tasked with wearing a chicken suit and clucking at Democratic office holders was arrested during a small town parade on Saturday.
  The staffer, Michael Zona, of Manchester, was arrested an charged with disorderly conduct. Londonderry Detective Christopher Olson said Zona was wearing a chicken outfit and was harassing U.S. Sen. Jeanne Shaheen and Gov. Maggie Hassan along the parade route during that town's old home day celebrations.
  Oh, and P.S.:
  This is not the first time that a New Hampshire Republican staffer has been arrested while wearing a costume. In 2008, a staffer wearing a duck costume was arrested prior to the U.S. Senate debate at WMUR-TV studios.

- Here's a story in which every single person is the WORST:
  Prosecutors said the 29-year-old Arellano and her boyfriend, 30-year-old Daniel Copeland, decided over a period of months three years ago to incorporate her daughters, then 6 and 8 years old, “into their sexual behaviors as a couple.”
  Arellano opted to plead guilty before her trial was set to begin this week, and courtroom observers were upset and left crying by details about the case revealed during the hearing. [...]
  Bibb County Superior Court Judge Howard Simms glared at Arellano during the sentencing hearing and said he was unable to contain his disgust.
  “Ms. Arellano, I don’t know that I have ever said a curse word from this bench,” the judge said. “But you may be the vilest b*tch that I have ever met.”

If you're looking for something super fun to do next Tuesday, Reason presents: Why Millennials Aren't Listening to You .

What's got you laughing, crying, and/or drinking this morning? Besides EVERYTHING.