172 Comments

Does Peggy Noonington perform peggings as part of her nooner entertainment? Asking for a friend

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Gary, this is superb throughout!

“Ha! Peggy, ask thyself, which of those skills dost thou think a 14-year-old will have more use for as an adult? The women he dates later — or hell, even the men, I don’t judge no matter what the priests tell you — will be impressed by exactly one of those educational accomplishments, and it isn’t that he aced algebra.”

I aced algebra. Regarding oral sex, I got it into my mind at an early age that learning how to do it well could be a big plus with the girls, so I sought out books to tell me what to do - no easy feat pre-internet. Atheist that I am, I can attest that in this particular case Jesus is absolutely correct (though I don't recall this teaching from Sunday school).

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Oh this is wonderful! Thank you (and all the clever Wonkette commentators below as well).

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"pervasive marijuana cloud" was my nickname in high school.

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" ... Ziegler, down in Florida, and his wife, the Mouth That Ate Sarasota. ...>

So THAT'S the name of the sex assault survivor!

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"...and “Crime and Punishment,” because it sounds like something funded by George Soros."

That's one way of saying the anti-free speech crowd lobbying to ban every book is full of $h1十. The good librarian is supposed to be the bad girl here? Not the people banning well-known literary classics for anti-Semitic reasons?

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"Middle-aged Jimmy Buffett fan."

Oh, Gary, you scamp.

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I wasn't aware that she was still alive. She certainly isn't relevant. One could teach a parrot to blather on about the things she talks about, assuming one really hated parrots.

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Ta, Gary. I always enjoy it when you take Peg down a peg.

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Dame Peggington Noonington roasting on an open fire. That was funny!

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I was waiting for her to vomit the schnapps.

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What do you call that column?

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What sayeth our Lord?

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I had to read Jane Austen in high school. Nobody was protesting that dreck. Emma was a boring soap opera.

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Ditto for Wuthering Heights. I learned more about the world reading "Fear of Flying" (which I shoplifted from the nice old man who had the newsstand/mini bookstore near my residence). I'd recommend it replace Bronte in the curriculum.

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It sounds as though your education really didn't take. The fact that you don't like a particular classic does not make it "dreck." The fact that you call it that says a lot more about you than it does about "Emma."

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Gareeeeeeeeeeeee! What a wonderful Christmas surprise. Your post is genius as always.

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and his wife, the Mouth That Ate Sarasota.

Dammit! That was a brand new keyboard!

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Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

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THANK YOU, GARY!!!!!

I needed this.

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Every single person who considers themself to be right wing is more than a little bit insane in 2023. Coocoo bananas. Bats in the belfry. Loco in the motion. Insert old Warner brothers gif of a lot of crazy metaphors here:

ETA: this

https://media2.giphy.com/media/9PzaFqVyxtXnwvNL5A/giphy.gif

Dame Peggorus umbridge , servant of dark lord Rupert:

“ So you order and put in your school library, to show your identification with and sympathy for the marginalized and different and lonely, some books highly focused on questions of sexuality, including one that’s a sort of LGBTQ how-to manual. The parents will find out, feel honest indignation – “I need my 14-year-old son to be taught math, not how to have oral sex!””

Deep breaths

1. Dear old bigoted hag. “Nobody reads a manual and becomes gay.” I don’t know how this needs to be said out loud but here we are. You could be exposed to the world’s collective supply of gay pornography. If you’re not an LGBT adjacent member already, it’s going to look like more naked professional wrestling. I didn’t think it needed to be explained even to deeply stupid anachronisms from morning in America but you’re LGBT or not. There’s no human being on earth who has ever converted from straight to gay. Some have even wanted to!

2. What exactly do you think books are? When you open gender queer did rainbows instantly fly out and rewire your brain? They’re just collections of words forming ideas. One can choose to accept those ideas or reject them. It’s only the deeply stupid intellectual cowards who are afraid of being exposed to ideas

3. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but they’re not teaching how to blowjob in school. 14 years olds are still learning the same way you did: peppermint schnapps and spin the bottle

I wish I could say “this is just a deeply stupid crazy person” but I’ve had this conversation far too many times to count. It’s completely exhausting.

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