Sounds Like Brett Kavanaugh Loves Green Eggs And Ham, By Which We Mean He MIGHT Be A Serial Rapist

Take these new revelations with a salt lick, AT LEAST FOR NOW.

Are we having a hearing tomorrow? Because at this point we cannot possibly see how a hearing happens tomorrow, considering how the floodgates are open wide, and if Trump hasn't removed Brett Kavanaugh's name from SCOTUS consideration by midnight, we're pretty sure Ashley Kavanaugh's going to go ahead and remove his name from their marriage certificate.

Why do we say this? Oh just ALL THESE NEW ALLEGATIONS. What's that thing Lindsey Graham (R-Misogyny) said today about how he doesn't think Brett Kavanaugh is a serial rapist, because boys don't just gang rape a bunch of girls in high school and then become the president and also a client of the Let's Not Rape! Club as adults? (He may have phrased it li'l different.) And that thing Graham said about how Kavanaugh's not some kind of Bill Cosby, with 60 accusers or something?

When Graham said that, Kavanaugh was five percent of a Cosby, with three accusers. Now, by our back of the napkin math he is a little over eight percent of a Cosby, because we have a fourth and a fifth accuser! How many percents of a Cosby will he be by the 11 o'clock news? We don't know, but we do think that you need to make sure you know where your daughters are, like they say on the news, because HOLY SHIT HE'S STILL OUT THERE.

Now, we need to point something out at the very outset here, and it is that these are anonymous allegations, and they are being fed into the news cycle by the GOP-led Senate Judiciary Committee . Indeed, it seems like they have a (very dumb) game in mind:

This is clearly what they’re doing. The person who made the Rhode Island allegation has also called for the militar… https: //t.co/3hvpNp9def

— Jon Favreau (@Jon Favreau) 1538006479.0 

See? Look at these silly, crazy allegations from #Anonymous! Probably the same people who wrote that #Anonymous thing in the New York Times about being part of the #Resistance in the Trump White House, HAW HAW HAW! If that's their game, so be it. Sounds like kind of an idiot game to us, though, because these allegations sure do sound a lot like the on-the-record allegations we have so far. But for the sake of argument, let's take these with our iodine tablets, and let's not get too distracted from the allegations we have that are credible and on the record.

OK, Allegation One!

NBC News broke a story from the transcript of an interview with Kavanaugh conducted on September 24, which was Monday, which we should point out is before Wednesday (today), according to #CalendarFacts (Kavanaugh likes those! ). This is important because the Senate Judiciary Committee knew about these allegations before today, when Lindsey Graham and so many other Republicans went on TV to say bitches be lyin' and stuff.

The first allegation was anonymously sent to GOP Senator Cory Gardner of Colorado, which detailed a very belligerently drunk Brett Kavanaugh in 1998 -- long after high school and college, LINDSEY -- allegedly physically and sexually assaulting a woman outside a DC bar:

The sender of the complaint described an evening involving her own daughter, Kavanaugh and several friends in 1998.

"When they left the bar (under the influence of alcohol) they were all shocked when Brett Kavanaugh, shoved her friend up against the wall very aggressively and sexually."

"There were at least four witnesses including my daughter." The writer of the letter provided no names but said the alleged victim was still traumatized and had decide to remain anonymous herself.

This was before Brett Kavanaugh met his wife, at the end of his time obsessively examining the rings on Bill Clinton's penis and the marbling patterns in Bill Clinton's jizz during the Starr investigation. Maybe he was just drinking away his sorrows because he couldn't manage to use his self-righteous moralizing about a consensual affair to get Clinton out of the Oval Office, and just felt like he needed to get fucking wasted and take it out on the nearest woman who hadn't given consent. We don't know how the Republican male mind works, SHRUGGIE EMOTICON.

Allegation Number Two!

The second allegation came from one of Democratic Senator Sheldon Whitehouse's constituents, who contacted him about something that happened to a "close acquaintance." It tells the story of something that allegedly happened in the wee hours of a "Sunday morning in August in 1985" on a boat offshore from Newport, Rhode Island. The victim was allegedly sexually assaulted by guys she referred to as "Brett and Mark."

The constituent found out about it almost immediately after and reports that around 5: 00 AM, he and a buddy went to that boat and beat the shit out of "Brett and Mark."

Please note the end of that questioning, which is where our HILARIOUS headline came from. He did not rape them on a boat, he did not give Erick Erickson a goat. He did not rape those girls with Mark, he did not rape them in the park.

NO BOAT, NO BOAT, YOU ARE THE BOAT.

We will point out here, for no reason in particular, that Brett Kavanaugh's own emails show him to have a certain affinity for traveling on boats with his douchebros, from Annapolis to Maine and points in between, but the emails don't say Newport in 1985, which means he is innocent!

We will also note, apropos of nothing, that the investigators follow this questioning with a strange tangent about how the guy who sent Senator Whitehouse the tip ALLEGEDLY has a Twitter account and ALLEGEDLY tweeted a thing about how the military should remove Donald Trump from power, ALLEGEDLY. Did they have a question? No, not really, it seems more like they wanted to make sure this was in the transcript, so Sean Hannity could glomp onto it when it was publicly released.

It also suggests that when confronted with this allegation, Senate Judiciary investigators started looking for oppo research on the guy who reported it, rather than on the allegation itself .

UPDATE: For the record, "Boat Guy" has "recanted" on "Twitter," if it is even the real "Boat Guy" (it's a shell Twitter account that reads like a Russian bot, SO, YOU KNOW) and if "Boat Guy" is even his real name, which it probably isn't. Also, we'll have more on this tomorrow, but have you heard Senate Judiciary has been talking to not one but TWO guys who say they are they real rapist. Uh huh. America has gone fucking bonkers.

Oh yeah, and about that Avenatti accuser who is on the record.

Julie Swetnick, the accuser brought forth by Michael Avenatti, alleged that Brett Kavanaugh and Mark Judge were present for gang rapes back in the day, possibly including the time she was gang raped at a party attended by Georgetown Prep boys. Kavanaugh answered questions about that in this interview too, and he denied everything, except for at the beginning of the line of questioning, where he appeared to hedge on "What is gang rape"?

He's just making sure he's being accurate! He never did a thing with "more than one woman present" and ... hold on, wait ... OK yeah, he's just making sure he accurately #lawyers his way out of that statement, before issuing flat denials for the rest of the gang rape stuff. (To be clear, the allegations from Julie Swetnick involved guys taking turns raping a single intoxicated woman, not multiple women and One Brett.)

But anyway, as Brett Kavanaugh explained, he did not do them two by two, he did not gang rape, sacre bleu! 

  Unless he's lying.

For the record, this is how Bart O'Boofer categorized Avenatti's accusations:

Absurd! Outrageous! A joke! A farce! THE TWILIGHT ZONE!

But definitely nothing about a boat, because Brett Kavanaugh has never been to Boat.

In summary and in conclusion, as we said, the Senate Judiciary Committee might be trying to use these anonymous allegations to make the other Brett Kavanaugh accusers look JUST CRAZY.

From what we see, though, it just all makes him sound like big (ALLEGED) Green Eggs and Ham lover, by which we mean he sounds like a fucking serial rapist, ALLEGEDLY, the end.

[ NBC News / Transcript ]

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