Pussy Trump Fires FBI Director James Comey For Failure To BOW DOWN

WTF?

OH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK?

Looks like Ye Olde Wonkette's Grande Theory of how James Comey is actually a good guy running a real-ass investigation into Donald Trump's VERY OBVIOUS RUSSIAN TIES was correct! Because Donald Trump, our stupid fucking president, has just fired FBI Director James Comey:

FBI Director James B. Comey has been dismissed by the president, according to White House spokesman Sean Spicer.

“The president has accepted the recommendation of the Attorney General and the deputy Attorney General regarding the dismissal of the director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation,” Spicer told reporters in the briefing room, according to a pool report.

Read Trump's letter to Comey, which he signed with his tiny little pussy hand:

Dear Director Comey,

I have received the attached letters from the Attorney General and Deputy Attorney General of the United States recommending your dismissal as Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. I have accepted their recommendation and you are hereby terminated and removed from office, effective immediately.

While I greatly appreciate you informing me, on three separate occasions, that I am not under investigation, I nevertheless concur with the judgment of the Department of Justice that you are not able to effectively lead the Bureau.

It is essential that we find new leadership for the FBI that restores public trust and confidence in its vital law enforcement mission.

I wish you the best of luck in your future endeavors.

Donald J. Trump

Trump is very happy that Comey promised that Trump wasn't under investigation personally , and he's real darn appreciative of how Comey threw the 2016 election in his direction, but anyway fuck him. James Comey is invited to hit Trump up if he needs a letter of recommendation for his next job, at Arby's!

So, if you're keeping score, Trump has now fired Sally Yates, U.S. Attorney Preet Bharara and James Comey -- all three of whom arepotentially most likelydefinitely sitting on explosive criminal information on Trump. Probably just a coincidence!

According to CNBC, Attorney General Jeff Sessions sent Trump a letter saying "a fresh start is needed at the leadership of the FBI," because that fucking perjurer is such an expert on stuff and things.

You also need to behold the bullshit letter from Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein, on why Trump made this move right now. Surprise, ALL the reasons he cites are arguments the Trump team COULD HAVE CITED just after the inauguration, but now are suddenly important, because #Reasons:

In case you can't read that on your Obamaphone, Trump's deputy attorney general is pissed off about (?!?!?!) how Comey handled (?!?!?!) HILLARY CLINTON'S EMAILS? They're suddenly mad that they were TOO MEAN to Hillary? It's just chapping their asses how Comey somehow undermined former Attorney General Loretta Lynch? REALLY? Is this some cynical play to get Democrats on board with this? Are we supposed to be too stupid to remember how Loretta Lynch had said, officially, on record, that she would accept Comey's recommendations on the Hillary investigation, because all kinds of morons were pissed off that she discussed casserole recipes with Bill Clinton on a tarmac in Phoenix?

The Washington Post also reports that this is partially happening now because Comey accidentally said some wrong and dumb things about Hillary Clinton's emails in his testimony before the Senate Judiciary Committee last week, to which we reply, "EAT ME."

We're pretty sure this is ACTUALLY happening because Comey was running the only credible investigation into Trump and Russia that exists, don't you think? Yeah, we'll go with that because we're goddamned patriots. Who is left to stop the anti-American traitors currently staging a coup against the American government?

Look, Comey has fucked up a lot of things. OBVIOUSLY. We have spent many days being GRRRR ANGRY at him, as we lovingly detailed in this post. 

But y'all? This is fucked. WAKE UP, SHEEPLE.

Hey, let's look at the front page of the Los Angeles Times on the day after Richard Nixon's Saturday Night Massacre! Why? Oh no reason:

The new acting director of the FBI will be its current deputy director, Andrew McCabe, who is married to a known Democrat lady and is pals with Virginia Democratic Governor Terry McAuliffe, so Trump will fire him later tonight on Twitter probably.

God help us.

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[ Washington Post ]