Say Goodbye To Your Botox And Your Dick Pills, Vladimir

You know, allegedly.

If you've been watching Vladimir Putin's unhinged speeches, you might have noticed that he looks like crazed catshit. And he looks even more old man Botox-y than usual. Look, we don't know if the Russian president's internal self-esteem is so low that he spends his nights getting obsessively injected with Botox in a desperate attempt to remain youthful, but there are long-running rumors. 

 Here's a doctor talking about waaaaaaay too much cheek filler. Here's a thing in the British tabloids about the ridiculous amount of work and Botox that Putin appears to have had done. British doctor and former British foreign secretary Lord David Owen thinks Putin's on the 'roids, which would explain why his face looks so fucked up and why he's so GRRR ARGH. Who knows?

Regardless, bad news. 

U.S. drugmaker AbbVie, which owns the cosmetic medicine, announced that it is halting operations inside Russia as a result of Putin’s invasion of Ukraine. The company joins a growing list of pharmaceutical companies running for the exits after Moscow’s senseless war. U.S. drugmaker Eli Lilly has vowed to keep sending critical medicines for cancer and diabetes to Russia, but it’s stopping sales of “non-essential medicines.” Swiss drugmaker Novartis has also announced it is suspending all investments and marketing activities in Russia, while Pfizer, Bayer, and Abbott Laboratories have cut back spending.

Oh no, Putin, did they just sanction your dumpy face?

Additionally, one of the non-critical medicines Eli Lilly reportedly will not be sending to Russia anymore is Cialis. Now, we need to be clear here, we have not heard any rumors that Vladimir Putin needs those dick pills or uses those dick pills or mashes them up in his Frosted Mini Borscht every single morning.

But we'll make jokes about his old dick needing dick pills, because fuck. him .

Also guys busy having real boners don't tend to launch invasions of countries that did nothing to them. That's just a science fact.

Anyway, if Putin is very upset about losing Botox, Cialis or both, may we suggest fucking off back to Moscow and leaving Ukraine alone forever, except for sending them all the oil profits from here to eternity to rebuild their country?

Barring that, maybe he can get one of those un-American shitholes at Koch Industries to smuggle him some sweet cheek fillers and boner pills, since it's one of the few remaining companies that's so much garbage that it refuses to leave Russia right now.

You know, assuming he takes such things.

OPEN THREAD.

[ Daily Beast ]

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