Live On ALL CHANNELS, It's The Trump Impeachment! (Liveblog, Day One!)

Bill Taylor, George Kent, YOU'RE UP.

Who's ready? We are ready!

Soon, the live hearings in the House with Ukraine chargé d'affaires Bill Taylor and State Department official George Kent will start! It will be on ALL THE CHANNELS. In other words, people who usually watch "The View" And "Live With Kelly And Idiot" will see this.

While we're waiting, though, Adam Schiff announced the hearing schedule for next week:

BREAKING: House impeachment investigators announce schedule of public hearings for next week: https://t.co/SvdeXvLohM

— Kyle Cheney (@Kyle Cheney) 1573605908.0 

So Friday, we have former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch.

Tuesday, we have Jennifer Williams (from Pence's office!), Lt. Col. Alexander Vindman, Kurt Volker, and Tim Morrison.

Wednesday it's Gordon Sondland, Laura Cooper and David Hale.

And on Thursday, it's former White House Russia adviser Fiona Hill.

Some of those sessions will be split up between "morning session" and "afternoon session" and "sexxxy after dark" session, just kidding, there will be no Impeachment After Dark.

Anyway, we'll be here for all of 'em.

Now let us go make one million cups of coffee and we will do this.

LIVE: House Impeachment Inquiry Hearing    www.youtube.com 

9: 59:Remember, we will not have to start out with stupid questions from congressmen in five-minute segments. Questioning for the Democrats will start with 45 minutes of THIS GUY, Dan Goldman:  

That's right, the impeachment of Donald Trump will be EASY ON THE EYES.

We mean that very professionally, of course.

10: 02:Also, the official drag queen of impeachment has shown up, so that means we are allowed to get started.

Just arrived for #ImpeachmentHearings Someone did ask me last night if there’s anything in DC that surprises me a… https: //t.co/E7ZYXrbNBd

— Heidi Przybyla (@Heidi Przybyla) 1573654363.0 

10: 06:'Bout to get started. Schiff and Goldman are chill.

And here are the witnesses:

10: 07:Oh good, the clown show has begun. GOP. moron John Ratcliffe has "parliamentary inquiry."

10: 09:Schiff's opening statement lays out the stark case, the reason why we're impeaching the motherfucker. Notes that the "facts of the inquiry" in this case aren't even really contested. This is what happened, as we wrote yesterday:  

Donald Trump abused the power of his office for personal gain by extorting a country to manufacture fake dirt to help him win the 2020 election, and also to legitimize his 2016 "win," while threatening to withhold military aid they desperately need to survive their war with Russia, Trump's BFF who invaded them.

That's it. Must impeach.

10: 12:If you need to catch up on Bill Taylor and George Kent, click on their names.

10: 17:By the way, Schiff's opening statement is just a good recitation of the entire story we know so far. You will be RELIEVED to know that Schiff did not do any treason paraphrases of Trump's words, as paraphrases are treason and we know paraphrases are treason because President Good Brain tweets a lot about how they are treason.

He's done a lot of READ TEH TANSCPIT!!!1!!!1! though.

10: 20:Oh good, Devin Nunes gets to make an opening statement. Starts by saying LOL Dimmocrats thought Trump was a Russian agent! (He pretty much is. And this Ukraine story is related to that. )

Nunes says:

• NO COLLUSION!

• Democrats tried to get naked pictures of Trump.

• Steele Dossier!

• A bunch of other apeshit words about Hillary Clinton and the conspiracy theories he finds on cow patties about how UKRAINE is the REAL COLLUSION!

• WHAR HUNTER BIDEN?

• Adam Schiff did a TREASON PARAPHRASE! Does not mention that Schiff just READ TEH PATNCSSDTIP!, literally right before Nunes started talking.

Reminder: This is a guy who is currently suing an imaginary internet cow for hurting his feelings.

10: 27:Nunes tries to say today's witnesses have passed Schiff's "auditions" for his "low-rent" Ukranian impeachment musical or something. They are like ... wut ?

10: 31: Oh, did you guys see the op-ed Bill Taylor wrote in the newspaper in Ukraine just before he came here today? It is ON FIRE. And it doesn't even mention Donald Trump's sadass name.

10: 33:Congress-asshole GOP idiot Elise Stefanik has "point of order":

STEFANIK: Will you PROHIBIT Republicans from asking questions like you did behind closed doors?

SCHIFF: If you were there, which you weren't because you didn't bother to show up really, you'd know Republicans weren't prohibited from asking any questions, except for when they were cravenly trying to out the whistleblower.

STEFANIK: WAS TOO THERE, WANT TO TRY TO OUT WHISTLEBLOWER

SCHIFF: Your time for talking is done.

10: 36:Opening statements from witnesses begin!

10: 38:Kent opening statement!

Establishes that he and all his ancestors have been in public and foreign service since the dawn of time.

Talks about why we fight for Ukraine against Russian aggression, why we give a shit about Ukraine. Says he was very disappointed to see gross Americans (Trump, Rudy Giuliani, he means) "align with corrupt Ukrainians" to, in essence, take a piss all over our work against Russia and for Ukraine.

To give a sense of what the Russian invasion and occupation of Ukraine looks like, Kent says it's seven percent of their territory and says that's like if somebody was occupying Texas DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS.

10: 46:Kent is setting up the idea that they HAVE been fighting actual corruption in Ukraine, in order to "create and follow the rule of law" in that country. (The corruption people are Trump and Giuliani's friends.) He says if there is REAL criminal activity, there is a way to do that, involving cooperation between official channels. Telling Ukraine to investigate Trump's political opponents is Not That.

10: 48:Kent also explains that it was the CORRUPT FORMER PROSECUTORS (Yuriy Lutsenko, Viktor Shokin, AKA Rudy's pals) who were killing actual investigations into the company Hunter Biden was on the board of. The story Trump and company have been telling is completely opposite of what happened.

10: 51:Kent says he was "alarmed" by Rudy and his Chucklefuck pals Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, with their campaign to smear and oust Marie Yovanovitch.

He also has some WORDS about GOP attacks on people like Marie Yovanovitch and Lt. Col. Alex Vindman, people who were born abroad, came here, and have committed their lives to fighting for America. References other immigrants who held similar positions, like Zbigniew Brzezinski and Henry Kissinger.

Bill Taylor takes over with his opening statement.

10: 54:Taylor's main points:

1. Ukraine is our strategic partner.

2. Russia is literally killing Ukrainians right now .

3. It is in OUR NATIONAL INTEREST to deter Russian aggression.

4. Withholding military assistance from Ukraine to bribe/extort them into doing fake investigations into political opponents is fucking crazy, like he said in his texts and in his earlier deposition.

10: 57:Know how sometimes you are wrong about how to say all the words, because you are American idiot? For instance, people used to say "The Ukraine," because wrong?

We will note that both Kent and Taylor pronounce Kiev ( Kyiv ) as "KEEV." Not Kee-ehv." Therefore you need to stop saying it bad.

11: 00:Taylor talks about how actually the Obama administration did not provide lethal defense weapons to Ukraine, for strategic reasons they had at the time. Taylor believed they should have. So he was "pleased" when the Trump administration started.

You know, except for the part where the Trump administration used the lethal defense weapons as a way to extort Ukraine. That was kind of bad and "crime."

11: 02:Taylor talks about how he was reluctant to take his position, yet encouraged to see the rapid changes Ukraine was making to remake its country and root out corruption. However he was disturbed when he saw there was an extra unofficial channel inserting corruption BACK into Ukraine, being led by Rudy Giuliani. Namechecks Rick Perry, Gordon Sondland, Kurt Volker, Mick Mulvaney, and of course, Roodles The Clown.

11: 09:By the way, Taylor's opening statement is basically the same as his opening statement for his deposition, which we covered here, therefore we are not typing it all out. It's a damning story, though. You should read it! Or, you know, watch it on your TV right now.

11: 13:Important: Taylor notes that Volodymyr Zelenskiy expressed in July that he didn't want to be used as part of a 2020 US re-election campaign. Because they knew BACK THEN that this is exactly what Trump was doing to them. It wasn't about "corruption" and you need to laugh in the face of anybody who tells you it was, and then tell them to go suck an egg while they go fuck themselves.

11: 18:"The Russians would LOVE to see the humiliation of President Zelenskiy at the hands of the Americans," says Taylor. Which is what Trump did to Zelenskiy. Notes his conversation with Russia advisor Tim Morrison, who said Trump didn't want to give Ukraine any assistance at all, even though Congress had appropriated it, and it's longstanding US policy to support Ukraine. Russia would have LOVED that too.

You know, because Trump is a Russian asset. Like we said, this is all the same story.

11: 21:  Here is Wonkette's story on the text messages between Taylor and the moron dipshits running Ukraine's shadow crime policy, where Taylor expressed how "crazy" it was to withhold aid in exchange for political investigations. And here is Wonkette's story on the "deliverable" Trump wanted from Zelenskiy, in exchange for security assistance and a White House meeting, which was Zelenskiy going on CNN to say he was going to investigate Biden and Trump's conspiracy theories about the 2016 election.

11: 25:Taylor confirms that Trump said NO QUID PRO QUO, it's just that he was demanding investigations of BIDEN, in exchange for the military aid. (That's what quid pro quo means, it is literally in the dictionary next to "quid pro quo.")

Trump, of course, thinks that if he says "NO MURDER" before shooting somebody in the middle of 5th Avenue, that means he did not do a murder.

Taylor reaffirms that his "nightmare" would be that Zelenskiy would give the CNN interview announcing investigations, and then Trump would somehow still deny them the military aid. Says he would have resigned immediately if that happened.

11: 29:Ukrainians were "livid" when Trump released READ THE TRANSDTJATIPPPT!, because Trump gave them zero notice.

11: 30:Taylor shares some new information about a conversation a member of his staff witnessed with Trump, where Trump and Sondland talked on the phone. A member of his staff heard Trump "asking about the investigations." His staff member asked Sondland what Trump thinks of Ukraine. Sondland responded that Trump was more concerned about the investigations of Biden.

So hey, there's some more!

Taylor is wrapping up by explaining more about how disgusting it is for Trump to beat the shit out of Ukraine for Russia's sake, but expresses optimism about the path Ukraine is on right now, if they can stay on it without the president of the United States getting them killed.

And now we go to 45 minutes of real questioning from hot lawyer!

11: 34:Schiff clarifies that the new thing about his staff overhearing Sondland and Trump on the phone happened on July 26, the day after Trump's treason bribery extortion call with Zelenskiy. So to be clear, the day after the call, Trump was asking Sondland about the investigations he wanted into Biden and his conspiracy theories about the 2016 election. Sondland told Trump that the Ukrainians were "ready to move forward."

And when the staff member asked Sondland what Trump thinks of Ukraine, Sondland said Trump cares more about the Biden investigation than he cares about Ukraine.

11: 37:Here is the transcript of the new stuff Taylor testified to:

Taylor and Schiff are talking about the WHY of how pulling American assistance would cause Ukrainians to die. This is important.

11: 38:SCHIFF: Why are Russians so concerned with American assistance to Ukraine, and why does that matter to Ukraine?

TAYLOR: Ukrainians want to end their war with Russia from a position of strength. Part of that is American support, and everybody KNOWING Ukraine has American support. The Russians are watching like hawks for America to withdraw support, because that strengthens Russia's hand.

(By the way, if you are new to Wonkette liveblogs, those are not exact quotes, unless we put "quotation marks" around them. Therefore if we type COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER, it is probably not a real quote, but it captures the gist!)

11: 41:Schiff and Taylor now talking about why assistance for Ukraine against Russia is vital to AMERICAN national security, and also the security of our allies in Europe. Taylor's point is that it affects EVERYONE. "Ukraine is on the front line of that conflict."

And NOW officially hot lawyer Dan Goldman starts.

11: 44:Goldman shows text Taylor sent on September 9, where he says it would be "crazy" to withhold aid in order to extort Ukraine into doing investigations to help "a political campaign." Taylor clarifies that what Trump wanted was investigations into "the two Bidens."

GOLDMAN: Have you ever seen another example of American foreign aid being conditioned on political investigations?

TAYLOR: Nope.

11: 46:GOLDMAN: Why would a White House meeting for Zelenskiy (the other part of the quid pro quo) be so important?

KENT: Ultimate sign of support from an American president. Makes him stronger when negotiating with Putin to end war.

GOLDMAN: Does any of what Trump and Giuliani were doing advance our national interest?

KENT: LOL no. It is opposite.

11: 50:Text from Taylor to Gordon Sondland on September 1, asking ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING? To which Sondland replied "CALL ME."

GOLDMAN: Why you ask that?

TAYLOR: Because I had just found out about what happened in Warsaw where Sondland personally spelled out the quid pro quo to the Ukrainians right after Mike Pence met with Zelenskiy.

11: 53:GOLDMAN: Would you say it's weird that Trump gave Ukraine policy to Gordon Sondland, the ambassador to the EU (which Ukraine is not in), even though his only qualification was "gave million dollars to Trump inauguration"?

It's clear Taylor thinks that's weird.

11: 55:Goldman now clarifying that quid pro quos can actually be happening even if Donald Trump says "NO QUID PRO QUO!"

They can.

GOLDMAN: What did you mean when you said Trump wanted to put Zelenskiy in a "public box" with his announcement of investigations?

TAYLOR: He wanted it to be VERY PUBLIC

As we've discussed previously, we don't think Trump necessarily cared that much about actual real investigations happening. But he wanted Zelenskiy to tell CNN they were, so Trump could use it for his own political purposes.

11: 59:In case you are wondering how this is playing on RT, we mean Fox News:

fox's graphic for bill taylor vs. msnbc's graphic you already know how this is gonna play out https: //t.co/Xv28fiaMJY

— Danielle Misiak (@Danielle Misiak) 1573661237.0 

12: 02:Big conversation between Goldman and Taylor about how Trump is a dumbfuck and a bad businessman who was under the impression that Ukraine "owes" him something in exchange for military aid. Does Ukraine owe Trump anything? Taylor says no, except "appreciation."

But unfortunately, Donald Trump believes conspiracy theories about what Ukraine "did to him" in the 2016 election, conspiracy theories Rudy Giuliani coughs out of his asshole on top of hairballs, therefore he thinks Ukraine has "wronged" him and owes him investigations to "make it right."

Jesus Christ, that man is unfit to be president.

12: 07:Now they are talking about the famous July 10 meeting, where Ukrainian officials were present, where John Bolton stormed out because he didn't want to be part of Sondland/Giuliani/Trump's "drug deal" with Ukraine.

Also, this text from July 21, where Taylor expresses that Ukraine is already worried about being viewed as a tool of 2020 American re-election politics for Trump.

These text messages are so damning.

12: 12:

Hahahahahaha

GOLDMAN: "I'm going to spend some time reading the transcript, as we've been encouraged to do ..."

 READ THE TRASDJTOPJT! 

He is going to discuss four specific excerpts of the transcript, actually!

Goldman and Taylor confirm that at that point, Zelenskiy didn't know the aid was on hold, but Trump did.

"I WOULD LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR THOUGH."

And then Trump goes into his imagination land about how Crowdstrike supposedly has spirited Hillary's missing emails off and buried them in the backyard in Ukraine. That is the "favor" Trump needs.

GOLDMAN: How would Zelenskiy interpret "favor"?

KENT: I can't read his mind, but quiddddddd prooooo quooooooo?

GOLDMAN: Are Trump's conspiracy theories about Ukraine interfering in the 2020 election true, or are they hilarious garbage bullshit?

KENT: Russia did it. Not Ukraine. So it's the hilarious garbage thing you mentioned.

GOLDMAN: Is there any merit to what Trump believes about the Bidens in Ukraine, or is he full of shit again?

KENT: Oh he is the president of being full of shit, and also a client.

12: 43:OK, the Republicans are going to have their turn to lie and do Putin's bidding and lie some more and prematurely ejaculate all over our national security.

Devin Nunes says Adam Schiff did TREASON PARAPHRASES, and that Trump's treason call was PERFECT (treason), which seems to forget the whole thing about how Goldman and Taylor read the transcript in public like five minutes ago. They are very serious about how Obama only gave Ukraine "blankets" and Trump gave them lethal weapons (and bribes and extortion).

12: 45:Devin Nunes says UKRAINE WAS THE REAL COLLUSION. He apparently does not realize that it is not opening statements anymore, and he is supposed to be asking questions of the witnesses.

Wonder why Devin does not want to talk to the witnesses!

12: 47:NUNES: Bill Taylor, you didn't even know about the imaginary Ukrainian collusion happening in Donald Trump's imagination, DID YOU? Haw haw, what a idiot you are.

TAYLOR: Um, sure.

NUNES: Do you even huff drugs off of Sean Hannity's belly button and John Solomon's armpits?

TAYLOR: I guess I do not.

NUNES: Fusion GPS Steele Dossier!

TAYLOR: Is there something you need me to be doing right now?

NUNES: A Ukrainian made fun of Donald Trump on the internet! Why did you not research this before you became ambassador?

TAYLOR: ...

NUNES: I have been wounded by a cow.

TAYLOR: Better get a MOOOOOOOOO-ve on to the hospital then!

12: 52:Devin gotta go see a man about a cow, so it is time for the GOP's idiot counsel Stephen Castor. 

12: 54:CASTOR: Can't you see how Trump might feel threatened by the conspiracy theories he baselessly believes because he is a dumbshit?

John Ratcliffe is now objecting because Adam Schiff reminded the witnesses that if Republicans ask questions that are based on Rudy Giuliani's turd cloud conspiracy theories, it is OK to say "the fuck are you talking about?" That is unfair!

12: 57:CASTOR: So you can feel Trump's pain, right, Mr. Taylor?

TAYLOR: No clue what y'all ball sacks are talking about TBH.

The Republicans are going to be able to do this Fox News bullshit for only so long before they realize that nobody normal knows what the fuck they're talking about.

CASTOR: Do you agree that Bill Barr is doing a politically motivated investigation that we Republicans are pretending is real, to make up bullshit about the REAL story of the 2016 election?

TAYLOR: I just ... whatever.

1: 01:CASTOR: How do you account for the fact that neither of you was part of the prep for Trump's treason call?

KENT: Because the National Security Council does that, you flaming pube.

1: 06:This is all so weird.

Castor is like "we are pretty sure Zelenskiy really was excited about meeting AMERICA'S MAYOR Rudy Giuliani!" (LOL, OK. Giuliani is a worthless human being. He is not "America's mayor.")

Castor like "Trump is mad about CORRUPTION, aren't you mad about CORRUPTION?"

George Kent like "yeah the REAL corruption."

Castor like "BURISMA IS THE REAL CORRUPTION!"

George Kent like yeah they did some bad stuff, and then Rudy Giuliani's friends the corrupt former prosecutors killed investigations into Burisma and ...

Also Castor has one of those faces that looks like it's always holding in a poop. It is not a good face.

1: 13:CASTOR: Hunter Biden Hunter Biden Hunter Biden Hunter Biden Hunter Biden Hunter Biden. Wouldn't you agree?

TAYLOR AND KENT: All righty.

1: 15:CASTOR: Did you hear that the VICE PRESIDENT of AMERICA went to UKRAINE a lot and pushed AMERICAN FOREIGN POLICY there?

KENT: I did, yes.

CASTOR: INPEACH BIDEN!

1: 17:This Republican lawyer is BAD. He's cross-examining without a clue what answers he's going to get, he's speaking to an audience of one, and that "one" is at the White House sniffing his own nose hair.

CASTOR: Bill Taylor, would you agree that Trump's "irregular unofficial" Ukraine channel was not as bad as it possibly could be?

TAYLOR: I guess there could be worse scenarios.

CASTOR: It's irregular but it's not OUTLANDISH, right?

TAYLOR: Just gonna give you a WTF look so the TV camera will see it.

1: 23:Steve Castor looks like if Stephen Miller had a baby with an 80-year-old Stephen Miller and it had hair and was just as dumb as its daddies Stephen Miller and Old Balls Stephen Miller.

1: 27:We think Castor's last question was, if one of Trump's idiots Kurt Volker was doing extortion and quid pro quos like Trump and Giuliani wanted, then ... doesn't that mean Trump and Giulian's extortion was good?

Or something?

Like we said this guy is REALLY BAD.

1: 30:Wow. If Steve Castor is the best lawyer the GOP has ... this is NOT going to go well for Donald Trump.

45 minutes of questioning, and nothing of consequence happened.

Anyway, we have moved to the five minutes back-and-forth section. Adam Schiff questioning now!

1: 36:DEVIN NUNES: You said you read about Rudy Giuliani doing Trump's Ukraine crime policy in the NEW YORK TIMES, right? Don't you know that is FAKE NEWS?

Anyway, it is Jim Jordan's turn, because they put him on the Intel Committee FOR SPECIAL because he is SMART.

1: 38:JORDAN: You had meetings with Ukrainians where they didn't say anything about the security hold, three times!

TAYLOR: Two times. And then the third time there was.

JORDAN: GOTCHA!!!!!1!!!!!!1!

1: 40:Jim Jordan's entire argument is that Donald Trump was too stupid to finish his crime, therefore Bill Taylor is CRAAAAZY.

1: 42:Also Jim Jordan's entire argument is that Donald Trump never did a tweet crime to Ukraine, and Zelenskiy didn't do the quid pro quo, and Gordon Sondland did a quid pro quo and Bill Taylor says he only heard about the quid pro quo from Gordon Sondland and THAT'S HEARSAY, JIM JORDAN JUST CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

Jim Jordan is a fucking fool.

1: 46:Jim Jordan: I AM TOO STUPID TO UNDERSTAND THIS AND SO I AM I. YA BURNT!

1: 48:Republican talking point: What Trump did on the treason call was the SAME THING Joe Biden did, delivering US foreign policy calling for the removal of corrupt Ukranian prosecutor.

JIM HIMES: Is that the same?

GEORGE KENT: LOLOLOLOLOL Christ no. Let me 'splain you.

1: 52:Sack of shit John Ratcliffe is going on about how Zelenskiy said he wasn't pressured. It's a disgusting attack that shows just how little Republicans care whether Ukrainians live or die, but you have to understand something about Ukraine to understand that. We explained it right here. 

1: 56:Hahahaha John Ratcliffe is so mad. He wants to yell complex questions that assume facts not in evidence, and then he gets mad when the witness wants to answer the question. Concludes by saying if we impeach Trump, we have to impeach Zelenskiy too, because Zelenskiy said NO QUID PRO QUO!

Imagine if John Ratcliffe or Jim Jordan or that dipshit Republican lawyer was your dad and you were watching this at school right now.

2: 00:Imagine if you were one of Devin Nunes's cows and you were watching this while getting milked.

2: 02:GOP Rep. Mike Turner says Taylor and Kent are invalid because they have never talked to Donald Trump before! GOTCHA!11!!!1!!11GHAZI!

2: 05:MIKE TURNER: Isn't it possible that everything you saw and witnessed with your own eyes was a BIG LIE?

2: 06:JIM JORDAN: Isn't it possible that you were wrong when you said they were tying investigations to the military aid?

TAYLOR: Nope.

JORDAN: yell yell yell yell yell yell yell I am literally the GOP's best chance here.

2: 08:Oh good, Adam Schiff is discussing with George Kent and Bill Taylor why it's so gross for GOP to rely on Zelenskiy saying "no pressure." Remember, the power disparity between Zelenskiy and Trump is VAST, and if he makes Trump mad, Trump can fuck him. Of COURSE he puts on a brave face for Trump, and in front of his people.

TAYLOR: "He cannot afford to be seen to be deferring to ANY foreign leader."

2: 10:ANDRE CARSON: Do you have any reason to believe the corrupt former prosecutor who's been whispering up Hill conspiracy theorist John Solomon's ass has any credibility?

KENT: Hahaha no.

2: 15:MORON GOP REP. BRAD WENSTRUP: Obama just gave the Ukrainians blankets and pacifiers! How can you say Obama did STRONG SUPPORT for Ukraine?

TAYLOR: None of your words make sense.

WENSTRUP: I rest my case! Trump did the STRONG SUPPORT!

(And then used it to extort Ukraine.)

2: 17:JOHN RATCLIFFE: Adam Schiff just said a bunch of stuff about how Zelenskiy COULDN'T say Trump pressure on him.

TAYLOR: (unspoken) No, actually I said that.

RATCLIFFE: I win!

2: 21:SCHIFF: Republicans have been saying Obama was caught on a hot mic with Medvedev in Russia saying he'd go easy on Russia for the invasion of Ukraine. What year did that happen? 2012. What year did Russia invade Ukraine? 2014. Ambassador Taylor, how do numbers work?

TAYLOR: Not the way Republicans are doing them!

Now we move to ... some Republican idiot, who says COUP and blah blah blah blah blah and says Bill Taylor is not allowed to have an opinion.

Oh, it is the Republican idiot called Chris Stewart of Utah.

2: 26:STEWART: Don't you HAVE to withhold aid if Ukraine is doing CORRUPTION?

KENT: That's decided by an interagency process, it was certified, and everybody agreed it was good to go. You dipshit.

STEWART: I rest my case!

KENT: If that's what you wanna go out on, you do you.

2: 29:MIKE QUIGLEY: If these Republican dicks are so worried about "hearsay," wouldn't it be cool if the White House didn't block people like Mick Mulvaney from confessing their crimes directly to Congress?

2: 32:Moron Republican Elise Stefanik says the most important things here are that Ukraine got the aid (because Trump got caught and a whistleblower came forward and Congress lost its shit) and Zelenskiy did not announce Biden investigations (because Trump got caught and a whistleblower came forward and Congress lost its shit).

2: 37:Eric Swalwell says Taylor and Kent might not have spoken to Trump directly, but they sure did see the shakedown. Anyway, lemme read Mick Mulvaney's confession where he says we do quid pro quos all the time and GET OVER IT.

SWALWELL: Do they really do that all the time?

TAYLOR: He's full of shit.

SWALWELL: You said it was crazy to do what they did. Would you also say it was flat wrong?

TAYLOR: Yes. Absolutely. 100 percent.

SWALWELL: Lemme read more of Mulvaney's confession. He might not be here to testify, but fuck him. Should we "get over it" like Mick Mulvaney says?

TAYLOR: I am not over it.

2: 45:WILL HURD: Has anybody called you to say they were worried about what the fuck Rudy Giuliani was doing?

TAYLOR: Yes.

HURD: Oh. Would you agree Trump's people were doing a corruption statement where Ukraine would say it was fighting corruption?

KENT: That was not a corruption statement. That was a political statement announcing fake investigations.

HURD: Oh.

2: 49:JOAQUIN CASTRO: Trump asked a desperate man for a favor to help his political career, and the desperate man said yes. Do you know why he didn't end up doing that "favor"?

TAYLOR: The hold was released.

CASTRO: Because they got caught.

TAYLOR: I don't comment on things I don't have all the information on.

(Castro is right, of course.)

2: 50:CASTRO: Is attempted murder a crime?

TAYLOR: Yes.

CASTRO: Is attempted robbery a crime?

TAYLOR: I am not a lawyer but I think so?

CASTRO: Is attempted bribery/extortion a crime?

TAYLOR: I ... dunno!

2: 54:John Ratcliffe's face is kind of like if a normal face got locked inside a funhouse mirror.

2: 56:John Ratcliffe would now like to question Adam schiff about the identity of the whistleblower. Adam Schiff reminds Ratcliffe that we are in a big boy hearing and that he is supposed to be questioning WITNESSES. Eric Swalwell jumps in to remind Ratcliffe that people who try to out whistleblowers are un-American pieces of shit.

3: 02:We are sure important things are happening, but we are getting tired, so are we in agreement that George Kent is kind of a sexy nerdy daddy type with pretty eyes?

3: 03:Oh God it's time for Jim Jordan to be a fucking clown again. Remember that they literally moved him onto the Intel Committee, because they think he's SMART.

What next, let's put Louie Gohmert on the Knowledge Bowl team? Gonna get Devin Nunes to do SAT prep for college-bound cows?

3: 06:We are pretty sure Laura Ingraham, who voluntarily made intercourse with Dinesh D'Souza, is trying to call George Kent an unattractive pussy.

Putin is terrified. https: //t.co/n90MwgXDaE

— Laura Ingraham (@Laura Ingraham) 1573675296.0 

3: 07:Jim Jordan concludes by screaming MUELLER and SPYGATE and WHISTLEBLOWER, which we guess drowns out the sounds of college wrestlers trying to tell him they're being molested right now, you know, allegedly.

3: 11:Hey guys, this is going to be over soon (we think), so please remember Wonkette doesn't exist without your financial contributions, so if you love Wonkette, please click the buttons below to contribute. Thx!

3: 13:HAHAHAHA that fucking clown Elise Stefanik just tried to enter the READ THE TAAGJ;KLDFJSTUJITCIPT! into the record, as if Adam Schiff hadn't fucking read the transcript during the hearing today and Dan Goldman hadn't read the transcript today.

3: 21:VAL DEMINGS: Was Rudy Giuliani doing anything in the American national interest or promoting policy in Ukraine?

TAYLOR: No.

KENT: No.

DEMINGS: What was he doing?

KENT: Trying to get fake dirt on Joe Biden to help Trump in 2020.

TAYLOR: What George said.

3: 23:By the way, Sean Patrick Maloney's questioning was really good. Really went to the position Ukraine was in, and why support for Ukraine is so vital to the national interest.

3: 27:RAJA KRISHNAMOORTHI: Taylor and Kent, can you rule out that Trump isn't using other "unofficial channels" to do crime foreign policy?

TAYLOR AND KENT: Haven't heard of it, but nope, can't rule it out!

3: 30:Devin Nunes goes out by saying NO MORE HEARINGS until we get three important answers to three imaginary questions:

1. Did Democrats and Whistleblower do COLLUSION?

2. Did Ukraine and Hillary do COLLUSION?

3. We forget, but whatever he said it probably smelled like a big cow fart.

Anyway, the next hearing is Friday, because Devin Nunes is a powerless skin tag growing on Donald Trump's ass, and also he is pretty dumb, the end.

Adam Schiff is closing up the hearing as we speak.

TIP YOUR BARTENDERS, LIKE WE SAID.

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