Remainders: Celebrities and Substitutions Edition

•Campaign Journal breaks it down: "Number of times Kerry said of Affeck, 'he turned wuss on me all of a sudden': 1. . . Number of times Teresa Heinz Kerry, speaking here in Jefferson City, added 'not yet' after saying Americans 'don't have to fear' being 'hung from a lamp post' or 'shot': 3" [ TNR ]

•"fundit (fun'-dit) n. A scholar or learned person who disseminates witty criticism; a source of humorous expertise:  Bill Maher will never be the fundit Jon Stewart is. " [ WOW Report ]

•The index of "The 9/11 Commission Report," a more concise but equally depressing approach: "Clarke, Richard. . . finds Tom Clancy novels more useful than the intelligence community, 347." [ n+1 ]

•Alan Keyes bodily fluids, now at $242.50. "This sale is on behalf of an individual Alan Keyes supporter but not affiliated directly with the Keyes' campaign." [ eBay ]

•The Illinois GOP's other options: Shannen Doherty, Farnsworth Bentley, and Dave Eggers, author of " An Act of Extreme and Utter Contempt for the Hallowed Halls of Congress, and These Are Things Which We Do Not Do, for They Are Not Honorable, and I Have Been Orphaned ." [ low culture ]