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Responsible Gun Owner Lets Life Imitate '13 Hours' By Shooting Nice Lady In Theater
The Sisters of Perpetual Vigilance
[contextly_sidebar id="O6JYxAS8MdECmmI6jBmNUEBYt1O0FQPQ"]More news of our Well Regulated Militia this week, as Responsible Gun Owners have once again kept themselves, their families, and their nation safe from tyranny by blowing holes in themselves and complete strangers. It's always a great day to have a gun in America, despite the occasional negligent discharge. As Jeb Bush reminds us, stuff happens, and there's not a thing to be done about it.
Drunk Guy Takes Gun To Theater To Prevent Mass Shooting, Partly Succeeds
[contextly_sidebar id="3lI5RhHFxadeCGudGD6Z09TYbLKzZbzn"]In Renton, Washington, Thursday, a 29-year-old Responsible Gun Owner took his gun along to the movies so that it could enjoy the most relatable characters in Michael Bay's loud new Benghazi movie, 13 Hours. Unfortunately, about 15 minutes into the screening, he dropped the gun and it fired; the bullet went through a nearby seat and critically wounded Michelle Mallari, 40, who probably hadn't expected the movie to replicate the dangerous streets of post-revolution Libya quite so accurately. KOMO news spoke to a witness:
"I believe the lady in front of us that got shot was actually talking to her husband or significant other and that's when we heard the loud pop," said one witness, who did not want to be identified. He was sitting 3 or 4 rows behind the man when the gun went off. "It must have been a light bulb or the projector lens or something that loud, but I mean I've owned guns and that's definitely a gunshot for me," the witness added.
The suspect hustled out of the theater and tossed a gun magazine into a trash can, which strikes us as an awful waste of ammo. Ms. Mallari was hit in the upper chest and taken to a local hospital in critical condition; her condition was later upgraded to "satisfactory."
A police statement indicated that the shooter may have been drinking, possibly because no one in their right mind could face a Michael Bay movie sober:
Preliminary accounts indicate that an intoxicated suspect entered one of the theaters and was fumbling with a handgun he had in his possession when it went off, striking another patron seated in front of him.
Fumbling, or interacting with the movie? 15 minutes in is just about where the military contractors face down a Libyan militia, so perhaps he was merely really, really into the film. Or perhaps he wanted to let his gun have a better view of the screen.
Look, honey! It's a gun just like you!
Roughly 90 minutes after the shooting, the suspect's father called 911 and told the dispatcher that his son was "distraught" after he dropped his gun in the theater and it went off. The still-unnamed suspect was arrested and booked on suspicion of felony assault.
And yes, Renton Police spokesman Det. Robert Onishi said that the shooter, who had a concealed firearms permit, was worried about a mass shooting:
He told some people he'd taken the gun out because he was concerned about the possibility of mass shootings there ... From having talked to him, it seems he didn't have any intent to shoot anybody.
So it sounds like, with only one victim, he was completely successful in preventing a mass shooting at the theater, hooray. Ms. Mallari is expected to eventually be OK, but is likely to face a prolonged recovery. Your betting pool on someone blaming Hillary Clinton for this begins now.
Texan Shoots Own Foot At Church, Stigmata Ruled Out
A Responsible Gun Owner in Sulphur Springs, Texas, was enjoying the state's brand new Open Carry law Wednesday evening when his pistol discharged, sending a bullet of unknown caliber into his foot:
The man accidentally discharged his pistol in the Davis Street Baptist Church's family life center, according to the [Longview] News-Journal . He sustained minor injuries, and nobody else was hurt, police said.
Guess he's learned a valuable lesson about Family Life, maybe, especially about all the help his family will have to give him while he recovers from his wounds. Maybe he'll even learn that guns in your home are statistically far more likely to be used in the death or injury of a family member than to be used in an act of home defense. Hahaha, we are joking there; Texas gun nuts don't learn anything.
[contextly_sidebar id="9iWXHnK8OrkBelhZJCmCQBjrkVi0vY1G"]Seems like maybe the Diocese of El Paso might have the right idea; after receiving numerous calls from concerned parishioners, Chancellor Patricia Fierro announced that the Diocese would soon post signs stating that firearms are not permitted on church grounds. We hope she's ready for the inevitable flood of phone calls and emails from loonies insisting that Jesus loves the shooty shooty, that the diocese has declared itself a vulnerable target for deranged people with guns, like the ones who show up in theaters and churches and don't know the first thing about handling their firearms safely. Oh, yes, and of course the murderers, who are everywhere.
This Part's Not Funny
In far less amusing gun news, there was a mass shooting in Canada Friday. A young man killed his two brothers at home in the small town of La Loche, Saskatchewan, then went to a local high school where he murdered a teacher and a student before being arrested. Get ready for the gun humpers to stain themselves in joy at this demonstration that even strict gun laws such as those in Canada cannot eliminate mass shootings, so obviously everyone needs more guns right now. And it's true! In the 21st century alone, there have been 36 people killed in mass shootings in the Great White North, a level of violence that any major urban area in the United States would have to call a pretty bad weekend.