Rick Santorum: Colorado Forcibly Re-Educating Anti-Gay Cake Bakers With TPS Reports

Do you ever wonder if Rick Santorum worries that prettier, younger, even more homophobic sweet thangs are taking his place? Maybe each day he looks in the mirror, worries about the grey at his temples, puts on a new sweater vest, purses his lips, tells himself he's still got it, and goes out to grapple with a new day, hoping that if he gets more and more outrageous, people will still look at him like they once did. That's really the only explanation we can come up with for his whole "Colorado is FEMA-camping the anti-gay florists" thing he's got going on this week. 

It's been a particularly tough year for old Rick since his beloved Pennsylvania embraced Satan and went all gay. And worse still, the judge that struck down the gay marriage ban was a judge that Santorum had supported, which is such a moral failing that Rick Santorum is probably actually already gay now. This is probably why Rick Santorum has basically gone Full Metal Santorum about basically the only goddamn baker in America that didn't want to bake a cake for the homosexxicans.

“You now see situations with bakers and florists and photographers who are being forced to provide services for same-sex weddings or get fined, lose their business,” Santorum said during the appearance on the American Family Association’s “Focal Point” radio program on Monday. “In the case of Colorado, there was a Colorado case recently where someone had to go to a re-education camp if you will."

Oh, we will, Rick, we will, because we actually don't believe you that there is anything even remotely close to a gay re-education camp, because if there was we would be working at that fucker already. So what's actually happening in Colorado, pray tell?

The Colorado Civil Rights Commission ruled in May that Christian baker Jack Phillips' refusal in 2012 to make a wedding cake for a same-sex couple on religious grounds violated the state's anti-discrimination laws.

The panel also ordered Phillips to submit quarterly reports for two years, outlining how he implemented new business policies, including anti-discrimination training for the staff.

Quarterly reports! Anti-discrimination training! That is exactly the same as if you sent poor greatest American freedom fighter cake-baking hero Jack Phillips to Auschwitz or Mao-era China or wherever it is that North Korea sends people now. How can he resist the crushing power of a state that can make him SUBMIT QUARTERLY REPORTS???

Thank god we have Rick Santorum to defend the startlingly heterosexual cake bakers of America. You're still a star, Rick. A big bright shining homophobic drama queen star.

[ HuffPo ]