Right-Wing Crybabies Are Mad At Pizza Again

What did pizza ever do to anyone besides be delicious?

If there is one thing that really riles up the worst people on the internet, it is pizza — and no, I'm not talking about those who put pineapple on theirs. I'm talking about the creeps who were once outraged over an imaginary child sex trafficking ring sacrificing children to Satan in the non-existent basement of a pizza place and who are now very upset about Pizza Hut for encouraging children to read books they don't like.

Pizza Hut has long been in the "encouraging children to read" game. I myself won the shit out of some personal pan pizzas in my day, courtesy of their "Book It" program (and, of course, The Babysitters Club ). One of the books currently featured for the program is "Big Wig," by Jonathan Hillman, in celebration of Pride month, and a bunch of paranoid sad-sacks on the Right are losing their goddamned minds over it.

As per the description:  

When a child dresses in drag to compete in a neighborhood costume competition, he becomes B. B. Bedazzle! A key part of B.B. Bedazzle’s ensemble is a wig called Wig. Together they are an unstoppable drag queen team! But Wig feels inadequate compared to the other, bigger wigs. When Wig flies off B. B.’s head, she goes from kid to kid instilling confidence and inspiring dreams in those who wear her.

First of all, that sounds fucking adorable — second, literally no one is forcing kids to read this book if they don't want to. Such a book, clearly, is for the children of people who are not the kind of homophobic assholes who would be terrified that reading a book is going to turn their kid into a fabulous drag superstar who will then ... I honestly don't know, they never really explain that part. I'll assume it has a much happier ending than the version of the story where the child reads Matt Walsh's creepy story book about why no one should be allowed to be transgender.

But those kinds of people are also pretty sure that they are the only people in the whole entire world who matter, and that therefore every book published or promoted by a pizza chain also must appeal to their personal sensibilities and bigotries. Thus right-wing Twitter pundits and Fox News douchebags are clutching their pearls and swearing they will never eat Pizza Hut again, even Pete Hegseth, who is reportedly super into Pizza Hut.

“1/ It's a sad day on @foxandfriends Saturday as 'Greasy' Pete Hegseth is saddened by news of his favorite dining establishment, @pizzahut, going 'woke' after they promote a book about a boy who dresses in drag. 📺🍕 @willcain @PeteHegseth3 @ffweekend”

— Bad Fox Graphics (@Bad Fox Graphics) 1654345003 

Veteran Pizzagate idiot Jack Posobiec spent nearly all day yesterday in a frothy rage over the Hut, going so far as to tweet "They took everything from us" in response to the news that the chain promoted a book he doesn't like.

Posobiec has a long-standing beef with the pizza chain, having previously tweeted out a picture of what he claimed was a "Pizza Hut in China vs. Pizza Hut in America" along with the caption "Are you paying attention yet?"

Apparently we were to assume that things like "children's books about drag queens" were to blame for an abandoned Pizza Hut ... which turned out to be in Australia and not the U.S.

Fellow right-wing scold Brigitte Gabriel was also very outraged about the book, tweeting "Pizza Hut has gone full woke, now we must make them full broke." Which surely is very different from the cancel culture she is 110% against .

Now, this is not really about "the children." These people know that no one is forcing their children to read this book or to get up on a stage and lip sync to "If I Could Turn Back Time," they know that they can't force other parents to raise their kids to be bigots, they just don't like being left behind. They don't like the fact that yeah, it is totally normal now to have a children's book about drag queens be recommended by a national pizza chain — because drag queens and pizza are awesome and Jack Posobiec and Brigitte Gabriel suck .

Personally, I think it says a lot about these people that they are always starting fights with pizza, a beautiful invention that has never hurt anyone or done anything but be delicious and convenient. Clearly they just hate everything that is good and decent and, most of all, fun in the world and will not be satisfied unless we're all a bunch of repressed, depressed jerks pretending to be Christian and exclusively heterosexual and cisgender, wearing beige all of the time and eating bland food. 

And now? Now I have to leave you and, I shit you not, actually go eat some leftover pizza and write something up for my very dear friend, who is also your all time favorite queen from RuPaul's Drag Race,  Miss Pandora Boxx , which is what I was planning to do well before I settled on this to write about. You may all open thread and I will put up a post for your movie night later this evening!

 Do your Amazon shopping through this link, because reasons .

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