Right Wing Nutjobs Very Scared Of All The Witchcraft We Are Going To Do To Them

'Tis the season!

One of the most "impressive" things about conservatives is the fact that they pretty much never change. Anything they say now is something they have said before, anything they fear now is something they've feared before. There's never a lot of new material. Every complaint they have about feminists now, they had about suffragettes in the late 1800s, every complaint they have about Black Lives Matter has already been a John Birch Society pamphlet. And, much like the conservatives of old, they are super concerned about witches .

Next weekend, Catland Books in New York City is hosting a public event, open to all who wish to participate in a mass hexing of Brett Kavanaugh, rapists and the patriarchy in general. That seems like some good wholesome fun to me, but over on Gateway Pundit, Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft is for real upset about it. Because, apparently, hexing rapists just PROVES that Democrats are evil.

Won't someone think of the ... rapists?

Imagine thinking that it's more "evil" to put a hex on a rapist than to actually be a rapist.

Over on Ben Shapiro's The Daily Wire, they are taking this very seriously as well. Feminists are WITCHES and this proves it!

It's no secret that witchcraft and feminism go together like Hillary Clinton and Planned Parenthood, but the practice has especially seen an uptick during the Trump era. Since day one of his administration, these feminist witches have performed a variety of spells and hexes to "bind" the president from implementing policies they dislike.

And writer Paul Bois takes care to note that "both Christianity and Judaism regard witchcraft and astrology as demonic practices."

Oh, for real?

Let us not forget that many geniuses on the Right also still think that Marina Abramovic's performance art is a for real occult ritual that is somehow related to pedophilloic pizza parlors.

For those out there who are genuinely afraid that some evil feminist witches are going to put curses on them, Jennifer LeClaire of Charisma News has got them covered. She warns that, this being October, it is pretty likely that some witch out there is going to put a curse on them. For reasons! Maybe because they're Brett Kavanaugh, or a rapist, who knows.

I'm just gonna include this screenshot because it is freaking hilarious.

She writes:

To everything there is a season—and this is the season where witchcraft gets heavy, demonic imaginations target minds and infirmities inflict bodies.

Of course, Jezebel and her witchcrafts can creep onto the scene any time of the year. But every single October for as far back as I can remember I see an onslaught of spiritual attacks from every direction. It's like clockwork.

What is witchcraft? Merriam-Webster defines witchcraft as "the use of magical powers obtained especially from evil spirits; the use of sorcery or magic; communication with the devil or the familiar." You might think of the voodoo priests or the witch doctors, but as I've said before, even Christians can release witchcraft at you with their thoughts and words.

Is she talking about the malocchio or something? I don't know! That's the only way I know of that someone can accidentally curse someone else, and I am pretty sure you can just get rid of that with some olive oil, an egg and a few Hail Marys or Our Fathers, if you are so inclined. What I do know, however, is that I need to immediately start a band, right now, called "Jezebel and her Witchcrafts."

Alas, none of LeClaire's remedies include olive oil or eggs. They do, however, involve "girding the loins of the mind," which -- from a purely biological standpoint, seems an impossible task:

Gird the loins of your mind. The first step in any battle is to gird up the loins of your mind. 1 Peter 1: 13 says, "Therefore guard your minds, be sober, and hope to the end for the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ."

The battle really is in the mind—or at least it starts there. Last week, a friend of mine who had a stroke many years ago began manifesting with post-stroke symptoms out of the blue. The enemy was working on his mind, trying to convince him that what he had been delivered from was returning. Meanwhile, a lump manifested on the back of my neck that itched and burned like fire, followed a few days later by ear pain so bad that I could hardly think, the feeling of knives in my throat when I swallowed and rocks in my stomach all at once. I finally broke down and went to the doctor. My vitals were normal. No sign of infection. I am convinced every bit of it was witchcraft.

Yes, this definitely seems like a real thing that happened.

Basically all of her tips are that you should just love God a whole lot and be really into God and then no one can cast spells on you. LIKE MAGIC.

This is, of course, fucking hilarious . I'm a full-on atheist, but given that these folks clearly think this is FOR REAL, I will totally pretend to be a witch of some kind just to fuck with them. I could pull it off, I think, as I have many mano fico charms and am very into Stevie Nicks. Plus I recently rewatched all of Charmed in preparation for the reboot. We should all lean into this, if only because it makes these people look even more ridiculous than they already do.

Now gird the loins of your mind for your FRIDAY NIGHT OPEN THREAD!

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We hex you into giving us money. CURSES, FOILED AGAIN.