It's Fox News's 25th birthday. Here is a non-exhaustive list of things we will now say to Fox News on its birthday, because fuck an exhaustive list, nobody has time for those.
Happy fuckin' birthday to the only network in America where Tucker Carlson told Andrew Yang yesterday that the Unabomber had some good ideas. Oh yes and then there's all Tucker's astonishing white supremacist shit that he's allowed to spew each and every night. We really don't have time to get into that right now.
Happy fuckin' birthday to the network that has probably done more than any other single entity to turn an entire generation of old white moron racists into ALSO vaccine skeptics/deniers, which is why people like this woman and likely many thousands more are currently mourning the deaths of friends, family and loved ones.
Happy fuckin' birthday to a network that has literal actual documentaries about it called The Brainwashing Of My Dad, which are literally actually about how entire families have been torn apart because old white racist boomers are addicted to the white racist liars on Fox News, who get the privilege of brainwashing those old white racist boomers day in, day out. Fox turns those old white boomers into people their own kids don't recognize. You know, if they're still alive, because see above, the thing about vaccine denial.
Happy fuckin' birthday to the network that gave us
'Fox & Friends' Won't Know Which Potato Head To Buy If They Can't See Its Tater Tot!
and
FOX NEWS IDIOT WISHES BIDEN DIDN'T CONSTANTLY RIDE BIKE LIKE OLD SAD FRAIL DEAD BIKE RIDING PERSON
and
'Fox & Friends' Idiots Find The REAL Trump Wiretapper, And It Is Hillary Clinton!
and in our opinion one of Fox's single greatest moments,
Stupid Fox News Idiots Confused Why Sharks Always Live In The Ocean So Much
Happy fuckin' birthday to the place that gave us Bill O'Reilly and Megyn Kelly and Sean Hannity and Greg Gutfeld and Laura Ingraham and Steve Doocy and Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt and Jesse Watters and [NAME SHITTY WHITE PERSON WHO'S BAD AT NEWS HERE], whatever would we have done without alla them?
Happy fuckin' birthday to the one (1) nepotistic reason the small young Doocy boy, Pip or whatever his name is, is allowed to get in Jen Psaki's face all the time and ask her stupid, racist questions.
Know who else they gave us? Quite frankly, they gave us that shithole ex-president up there and his entire godforsaken family.
We don't have time/energy/desire/stamina/did we mention desire to write something like this, but here's Media Matters's top 400 times Fox News ruined the whole galaxy and made it stupider.
Besides, if we really decided to delve deep into the subject matter -- like, really dive deep l ike Politico did with Donald Trump's butthole -- we'd be writing this one post for the next two weeks. Who was expecting the definitive chronicle of Fox News's history on its 25th birthday to be at Wonkette? Wonkette certainly wasn't .
In lieu of gifts, please make a commitment to do the war on Christmas so hard this year baby Jesus backflips right outta his manger like "whooooOOOOOOOaaaaaa SHIT!"
What? He'll be fine, you idiots, HE'S BABY JESUS.
Anyway, open thread.
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For some reason, I'm really craving cheesecake now.
Yes, it is. I'll miss it.