Robert Mueller Ready To Throw Michael Flynn And His Pizzagate-Loving Idiot Son IN JAIL

Michael Flynn with his idiot spawn

Wonkers, are you feeling overwhelmed by the news right now? Don't worry, so are we! With all the Trump-Russia investigation news that came out this weekend, it's enough to make us wonder if special counsel Robert Mueller just HAPPENS to be fired up and ready to go, very coincidentally at the same time Donald Trump is busy embarrassing himself all over Asia. Let's take a brief look at this new stuff, starting with ...

Michael Flynn! And His Weird Kid Too!

This is probably the one making the most headlines. When we found out Mueller was about to indict somebody, most people figured it was either Paul Manafort or Michael Flynn. (SPOILER it was Paul Manafort, in case you were asleep last week.) Rumors have abounded that Flynn might have flipped on Trump months ago, mostly because he's been so damn quiet throughout this whole process. Sure, he was demanding immunity from Congress a while back, but other than that, nothing.

Now NBC News reports that Mueller has enough to throw the book at Flynn AND his dumb son "Also Michael Flynn." Before we go any further, you should know that this is fake news, according to Also Michael Flynn:

Whatever, bro. Anyway:

Federal investigators have gathered enough evidence to bring charges in their investigation of President Donald Trump's former national security adviser and his son as part of the probe into Russia's intervention in the 2016 election, according to multiple sources familiar with the investigation. [...]

The investigators are speaking to multiple witnesses in coming days to gain more information surrounding Flynn's lobbying work, including whether he laundered money or lied to federal agents about his overseas contacts, according to three sources familiar with the investigation.

Mueller's team is also examining whether Flynn attempted to orchestrate the removal of a chief rival of Turkish President Recep Erdogan from the U.S. to Turkey in exchange for millions of dollars, two officials said.

That would be a little bit illegal! Kidnapping a guy and sending him to Turkey (you know, because you are a foreign agent for Turkey and also Russia) in exchange for millions of dollars? Oh boy!

Meanwhile, Baby Flynn was his dad's chief of staff and appears to be covered in the filth of his dad's lobbying work. He likes long walks on the beach, SpaghettiOs, and his favorite make-believe story is called "Pizzagate." Maybe if Mueller gets the Flynns locked up, they can be placed together in a prison with a nice father-son wing? That would be nice. (Also for Donald and Don Jr.!)

Anyway, it sounds like Mueller is hoping the love a former American patriot (who flipped and started working for the Russians because Barack Obama humiliated him, allegedly) has for his son will outweigh any loyalty the former American patriot might have to the president. Will he cooperate to save his son's pasty ass? We have a feeling we're going to be finding out very soon!

Donald Trump Junior!

Know that completely innocent meeting Donald Trump Jr. took in Trump Tower with Paul Manafort and Jared Kushner and a clown car full of Russian spies? As news about the meeting has trickled out, it has certainly seemed like there was a quid pro quo of some sort going on, where they were offering salacious Hillary something-or-other in exchange for Trump working to get rid of Russian sanctions, if elected. A new statement from Russian lawyer Natalia Veselnitskaya, whose entire recent career is about getting the Magnitsky Act and other sanctions repealed, seems to suggest that theory is correct, and that Junior was willing to play ball:

A Russian lawyer who met with President Donald Trump’s oldest son last year says he indicated that a law targeting Russia could be re-examined if his father won the election and asked her for written evidence that illegal proceeds went to Hillary Clinton’s campaign. [...]

“Looking ahead, if we come to power, we can return to this issue and think what to do about it,’’ Trump Jr. said of the 2012 law, she recalled. “I understand our side may have messed up, but it’ll take a long time to get to the bottom of it,” he added, according to her.

How accommodating! How nice! It's almost like the Russians found exactly the useful idiot they were looking for when they approached Junior!

What About That Idiot Carter Page?

Oh nothing, it just turns out he told the House Intelligence Committee that he DID meet with Russian government officials during his July 2016 trip to Moscow, and he DID report back to the Trump campaign about it, despite his earlier denials. But that doesn't matter, because the REAL story of the Russia scandal (besides the uranium story, which is also the REAL story) is that the entire thing is a Hillary Clinton-perpetrated hoax to do anti-Catholic hate crimes to Carter Page. Yes, he thinks that. 

Any Weird Financial Leaks That Show Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross and Jared Kushner, Prince Of Ivanka, In Bed With A Bunch Of Russians?

 Yes. They're called the "Paradise Papers," and they show Ross and Kushner in bed financially with a shitload of big money Russians. Click if you get off on reading about FINANCIAL ENTANGLEMENTS.

In short, a bunch of stuff is trickling out right now! And we have a sneaking suspicion this is just the beginning, and that this week is going to be an absolute SHITSHOW when it comes to news related to this investigation, so GET READY.

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[ NBC News / Bloomberg ]