Rudy Giuliani's Exit Interview: A Play In One Act

Retiring to spend more time with Donald Trump

Conscious Uncoupling

 [The following is a dramatic rendition of the conversation between Greenberg Traurig chairman Richard Rosenbaum and Rudolph Giuliani. We're absolutely certain it went down just like this. ALLEGEDLY.] 

ROSENBAUM: Rudy, nice to see you. Thanks for coming in. Sorry to hear about you and Judy separating.

GIULIANI: Thanks, Rich. You know how it is. Glad to be playing the field again, right?

ROSENBAUM: Great, great. So, Rudy, you know we have a problem here.

GIULIANI: Problem?

ROSENBAUM: Well, clients are calling with concerns. They're worried about some of the things you've been saying on television.

GIULIANI: What do you mean? I'm killing it out there! We're just hours away from putting this whole Mueller investigation to bed. I'll be back before you know it.

ROSENBAUM: Errrr...right. You see, Rudy, when you said, 'That was money that was paid by his lawyer, the way I would do, out of his law firm funds,' you kind of put us in a bind.

GIULIANI: I don't follow you.

ROSENBAUM: We've had five clients this week ask us to advance cash for them. Two for girlfriends, two to pay their Amex bills, and one so that a bookie wouldn't break his legs.

GIULIANI: Isn't that what lawyers do, though?

ROSENBAUM: WHAT?

GIULIANI: For very good clients, you know. Not for everyone.

ROSENBAUM: Jesus, Rudy!

GIULIANI: Well, I'm still getting my facts straight. I've only been on the case for three hours.

ROSENBAUM: Weeks. You've been gone three weeks.

GIULIANI: Hey, it's all great publicity for the firm, though, right?

ROSENBAUM: That's the problem, see. It isn't good publicity at all. Like when you said, 'Michael would take care of things like this, like I take care of this with my clients.'

GIULIANI: Door-to-door service, as they say.

ROSENBAUM: Rudy, they're saying that our service is setting up slush funds to pay off mistresses.

GIULIANI: Niche marketing! I could have used that kind of service when I was married the first time. Say, did I ever tell you about the time when I was meeting this girl at the Four Seasons? A redhead. You like redheads, Rich? Me and the redhead were just getting comfor--

ROSENBAUM: Stan from down the hall is sleeping on the couch! He tried to put their summer place in an LLC, and now his wife thinks he's screwing the nanny.

GIULIANI: Well, how attractive is the nanny?

ROSENBAUM: He's not sleeping with the nanny!

GIULIANI: Cheryl from bookkeeping? Is that who it is? I always liked her.

ROSENBAUM: For God's sake Rudy! Our meat and potatoes is lobbying. I'm trying to persuade the governor of Guam to let our client build a factory there, and his wife is on the phone yelling at me, 'That slut can have him! Tell Morty he can shove that LLC right up his ass!'

GIULIANI: Well, how old is the wife? Does she like older men?

ROSENBAUM: I think you're missing the point here. People finally stopped associating the firm with Jack Abramoff, and now the world thinks all our clients are sleeping with porn stars.

GIULIANI: So now everyone will want to be our client! It's genius!

ROSENBAUM: We're going to have to let you go, Rudy.

GIULIANI: Go where?

ROSENBAUM: You need to resign the firm.

GIULIANI: Resign? But I'm the face of Greenberg Traurig!

ROSENBAUM: Well, that's the problem. Come on, let's not make this harder than it has to be.

GIULIANI: This is ridiculous! You can't fire me, I'm America's Mayor! People love me.

ROSENBAUM: You go on television and confess to crimes while insisting that the firm operates a slush fund for our clients.

GIULIANI: Is it a crime to pay off a porn star twelve days before an election? Not in my book, my friend.

ROSENBAUM: Okay, I think we're done here.

GIULIANI: And, I'm telling you a fact you don't know yet. I've also been advising Sean Hannity. Off the books. Maybe we'll discuss it when I appear on his show next week.

ROSENBAUM: SECURITY!!!

Aaaaaand scene.

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