Last week, we told you all about how some Duggary Quiverfull weirdo named Vaughn Ohlman was hosting a super cool Arranged Marriage Camp 4 Christian Teenz and their families, so that their parents could set them up in arranged marriages before they turn 20 years old and their reproductive organs shrivel up and die from old age and they can't make enough babies for Jesus. The plan was to hold this at the Salvation Army's Camp Hiawatha in Wichita, Kansas, but as soon as Salvo found out about their intentions,
"Remember when you were 8 and you danced around the house wearing your mother's wedding veil? That, honey, was intent and consent! Can you say 'intent'? Now say 'con-sent.' That's a good girl. Now, hurry up. That 12-year old is not getting any younger...."
I love their takedown notice so much. "As a result of being picked up by the national media, and being misquoted, a lot, (and lied about), we decided it was best for our tiny ministry to focus on saying exactly what we mean and to take down the hundreds of blog posts and articles which attempted to explain, discuss and explore."
Right. Because it wasn't clear when you put scare quotes around 'consent' and listed all the reasons your children are required by God to give it to you because you are the boss of them for the rest of their life that they have a choice in all this.
Hey guyz! I've started working on a guide to help good Christian girls forced into an arranged marriage! Plz read the outline and tell me what you think! All comments welcome!
----------------------------------------------
The Good Christian Girl's Guide ToArranged Marriage
Chapter 1:
Congratulations, you're gettinghitched! Whether you want to or not!
Chapter 2:
Awkward moments: meeting your futurehusband
Chapter 3:
Accepting your future husband'sshortcomings: bad breath, worse sense of style, morbid obesity, andother things that God's grace will help your overcome
Chapter 4:
No, you can't choose another husband,honey. That's for atheists and homosexuals.
Chapter 5:
No, you can't kill your parents. That'sillegal. I checked.
Chapter 6:
Your wedding: You didn't choose yourhusband, but at least you'll get to choose your dress!
Chapter 7:
Really awkward: How to kiss a guy with500 of your closest relatives watching.
Chapter 8:
Your wedding night: Congratulations,you are now the Lord's Baby Factory!
Chapter 9:
“What is that gross hard thing?!” -Understanding the male anatomy, since you've never seen a naked manbefore
Chapter 10:
Yes, he really IS going to stick it inyou – a virgin's guide to sex
Chapter 11:
Why you'll never have an orgasm. What'san orgasm? Never mind, because you'll never have one!
Chapter 12:
So your husband is a fat slob /disgusting pig / sexist turd / etc. Don't worry... The fact that yourhusband is an asshole is a test of your faith as a good Christianwoman! Happy marriages are for feminists and abortionists!
Chapter 13:
So you're miserable... learn how to begrateful for the Godly burden that Jesus Christ has blessed you with!Job suffered for God, and now so can you!
Chapter 14:
No, you can't kill your husband. It'sillegal. I checked. I think it also violates one of the twelvecommandments. Or is it nine? I can never remember. Counting is hard!
Chapter 15:
Yes, suicide is a sin.
Chapter 16:
So your husband has been arrested formolesting underage boys / goats / underage goats (check one or moreas applicable) ... here's how to find a good lawyer. No, not adivorce lawyer, silly... good Christian girls don't get divorced!That's for communists and liberals!
Chapter 17:
Yes, murdering your husband is stillillegal.
Chapter 18:
You want to do WHAT?! Become anATHEIST?! If you do that you're going straight to HELL! Wait aminute, young lady, where do you think you're going... oh *sigh* wejust lost another one
It must be awesome to be white, straight, and delusional as fuck.
Those women are all OH I AM SO HAPPY I MET THIS DUDE AND IMMEDIATELY MARRIED HIM. It's probably personal bias but I can't imagine ever being happy like that.
Me too, but I wasn't showing up at a get hitched to complete stranger quick camp in order to do it.
The age of the young ladies tripped their guilt meter...
Thanks! I already have flying screaming hippos on deck for tonights nightmare.
That's why I'm still up...
we spent a month there one week. the best view of that place is from the rear view mirror.
Pfft. I had a better one on tap.
Would the CEO be named Rosie Palm?
"Remember when you were 8 and you danced around the house wearing your mother's wedding veil? That, honey, was intent and consent! Can you say 'intent'? Now say 'con-sent.' That's a good girl. Now, hurry up. That 12-year old is not getting any younger...."
I love their takedown notice so much. "As a result of being picked up by the national media, and being misquoted, a lot, (and lied about), we decided it was best for our tiny ministry to focus on saying exactly what we mean and to take down the hundreds of blog posts and articles which attempted to explain, discuss and explore."
Right. Because it wasn't clear when you put scare quotes around 'consent' and listed all the reasons your children are required by God to give it to you because you are the boss of them for the rest of their life that they have a choice in all this.
Hey guyz! I've started working on a guide to help good Christian girls forced into an arranged marriage! Plz read the outline and tell me what you think! All comments welcome!
----------------------------------------------
The Good Christian Girl's Guide ToArranged Marriage
Chapter 1:
Congratulations, you're gettinghitched! Whether you want to or not!
Chapter 2:
Awkward moments: meeting your futurehusband
Chapter 3:
Accepting your future husband'sshortcomings: bad breath, worse sense of style, morbid obesity, andother things that God's grace will help your overcome
Chapter 4:
No, you can't choose another husband,honey. That's for atheists and homosexuals.
Chapter 5:
No, you can't kill your parents. That'sillegal. I checked.
Chapter 6:
Your wedding: You didn't choose yourhusband, but at least you'll get to choose your dress!
Chapter 7:
Really awkward: How to kiss a guy with500 of your closest relatives watching.
Chapter 8:
Your wedding night: Congratulations,you are now the Lord's Baby Factory!
Chapter 9:
“What is that gross hard thing?!” -Understanding the male anatomy, since you've never seen a naked manbefore
Chapter 10:
Yes, he really IS going to stick it inyou – a virgin's guide to sex
Chapter 11:
Why you'll never have an orgasm. What'san orgasm? Never mind, because you'll never have one!
Chapter 12:
So your husband is a fat slob /disgusting pig / sexist turd / etc. Don't worry... The fact that yourhusband is an asshole is a test of your faith as a good Christianwoman! Happy marriages are for feminists and abortionists!
Chapter 13:
So you're miserable... learn how to begrateful for the Godly burden that Jesus Christ has blessed you with!Job suffered for God, and now so can you!
Chapter 14:
No, you can't kill your husband. It'sillegal. I checked. I think it also violates one of the twelvecommandments. Or is it nine? I can never remember. Counting is hard!
Chapter 15:
Yes, suicide is a sin.
Chapter 16:
So your husband has been arrested formolesting underage boys / goats / underage goats (check one or moreas applicable) ... here's how to find a good lawyer. No, not adivorce lawyer, silly... good Christian girls don't get divorced!That's for communists and liberals!
Chapter 17:
Yes, murdering your husband is stillillegal.
Chapter 18:
You want to do WHAT?! Become anATHEIST?! If you do that you're going straight to HELL! Wait aminute, young lady, where do you think you're going... oh *sigh* wejust lost another one
… well, at least this story has ahappy ending!
I don't get "vibes"... I get the facts, particularly when I know someone's lying :)
When he wants it rough...
https://www.youtube.com/wat...
It must be awesome to be white, straight, and delusional as fuck.
Those women are all OH I AM SO HAPPY I MET THIS DUDE AND IMMEDIATELY MARRIED HIM. It's probably personal bias but I can't imagine ever being happy like that.
Yeah, all of that was incredibly gross. I wouldn't trust my father to pick out a shirt for me.
I call those anti-sex hats. I love mine.
Lulz!