Sargent Shriver, America's best second-hand Kennedy, has died at 95. He was the Democratic Party's "BREAK GLASS IN CASE OF VICE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE EMERGENCY" guy, and was used once, in 1972. He is survived by his son-in-law's NUMBER-ONE ALL-TIME HOLIDAY SMASH-HIT
Poser. He wasn't even a real "sargent." He was an officer.