Scaramucci, Schlapps, And Shuckafuck: The Sunday Gauntlet Of Conservative Aggrievement

Welcome Back, Wonks! Glad you could join me for another recap of the idiotic hellscape that is the political Sunday shows. This week, though, it’s a special one, in which we are treated to the most hallucinogenic of conservative aphrodisiacs: Persecution Complex!

Oh, Yes! Just like Bruce Wayne climbing that mountain to get a rare drug flower in BATMAN BEGINS, so must all conservatives make that climb past logic to achieve perfect persecution complex. How else to explain how in a country in which most systematic institutions like government, finance, technology and media are controlled by a mostly white Christian majority, THEY ARE THE ONES BEING PERSECUTED?!

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This victimization came at the hands of the amazingly talented comedian Michelle Wolf when she performed at the 2018 White House Correspondents Dinner (WHCD).

Michelle Wolf’s victims ranged from Trump, Mike Pence, and Kellyanne Conway to Rachel Maddow, Jake Tapper, Sean Hannity, Joe Scarborough, Mika Brzezinski and Megyn Kelly. But the media on Sunday was focused on only one: White House Press Secretary, Mistress of Propaganda and best-by-default Huckabee child, Sarah Huckabee Sanders.

Now before I go one to show you the asinine aftermath, let’s bask in the amazing performance of Michelle Wolf:

We begin today with Sunday’s edition of Fox and Friends. Hosted by a C-squad of talent that actually makes me long for Brian Kilmeade, they had some expected opinions on Michelle Wolf at WHCD:

Prior to Griff Jenkins, Abby Huntsman and Pete Hegseth lamenting that #MeToo wasn’t coming to the defense of Sarah Sanders (hint: It's because all the jokes were about how she is a horrible and lying human being, NOT being a woman or how she looks), Pete Hegseth suggested having the “hilarious” Greg Gutfeld perform the comedy at the next WHCD. This bad comedy judgment of course got the attention of our thin-skinned “Mango Mussolini” and prompted this tweet.

While Washington, Michigan, was a big success, Washington, D.C., just didn’t work. Everyone is talking about the fact that the White House Correspondents Dinner was a very big, boring bust...the so-called comedian really “bombed.” @greggutfeldshould host next year! @PeteHegseth 

— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump) April 29, 2018 

The next entry comes from Fox & Friends guest and junior propagandist Mercedes Schlapp, who was in attendance at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Quickly she makes it clear she didn’t hear any of the jokes as she seems to be under the impression that Michelle Wolf attacked Sanders on her looks:

But Mrs. Schlapp was not alone in this brave stand when she left the WHCD. She was joined by former CNN contributor, Vice President of Koch Industries, Fox News Contributor, Chairman of the American Conservative Union (who own CPAC) and self-proclaimed “Man of The People” Matt Schlapp. Here he is lamenting the loss of civility due to a few jokes:

Matt Schlapp made sure, like Mike Pence,to tweet out that he walked out of WHCD in protest in case everyone was too busy laughing or just plain ignoring him. This, however, led to my favorite moment recapping the Schlapps getting called on their hypocrisy:

Sweetie, you left the WHCD and then attended the NBC/MSNBC afterparty. Who are you trying to fool?

Also: I'm not about to be lectured about my trailer park upbringing in Central Texas by some private school dilettante who panders to poor whites and then stabs us in the back. https: //t.co/RosNaYdfY1 

— Charlotte Clymer🏳️‍🌈 (@cmclymer) April 29, 2018 

Amazing that the ones who call people snowflakes,

Drink liberal tears,

And say “Fuck Your Feelings,"

are suddenly crying foul. (It's not actually amazing.) Here is another perfect encapsulation of this in a 24-hour period provided by Sarah’s Daddy, no less, failed Country Music Association member Mike Huckabee:  

Mike Huckabee, a 24 hour play in two parts:  #WHCD  #Michelle  #Wolf   pic.twitter.com/eClIOv7Suw 

— Jeremy (@DSky3) April 29, 2018 

But the winner of the persecution award has to go to the guy who held the position before Sanders, failed GOODFELLAS extra Anthony Scaramucci. Speaking with Brian Stelter on CNN's RELIABLE SOURCES, he said this:

SCARAMUCCI: And so, I'm a huge champion of the First Amendment, Brian. And let me tell you something that you don't talk about. The First Amendment is great for the economy, because we teach our children how to think creatively and express themselves freely.

STELTER: It's a great point.

SCARAMUCCI: And that's why so many of these great companies are invented here.

In these autocracies and all those black areas of the world that you pointed out...

STELTER: Yes.

SCARAMUCCI: ... they don't teach that to their kids. And they have a narrow-banded thinking, and they ultimately have to go out and try to steal our technology.

And so, we definitely need the First Amendment. But if you're asking me honestly, I think the hostilities need to be de-escalated on both sides. It's not just the White House. What happened last night was an atrocity.

SCARAMUCCI: And it was like literally watching Michael Wolff with a wig on.

STELTER: I know, but, Anthony, atrocity?

SCARAMUCCI: I thought Michelle Wolf was Michael Wolff, actually.

STELTER: That's a good line.

SCARAMUCCI: It was ridiculous.

STELTER: Atrocity? There are some real crises in America. I don't think jokes at a dinner is one of them.

SCARAMUCCI: OK. I will tell you why it's an atrocity, because it doesn't help what you're trying to achieve and what I think all of us are trying to achieve.

STELTER: OK.

Yes, having to be roasted at a fancy Washington dinner for less than 20 minutes is atrocity , Anthony. Not 3 million Americans forgotten in Puerto Rico who are about to enter the next hurricane season without fully recovering from Hurricane Maria.   Not the people of Flint, Michigan, whom Michelle Wolf mentioned and who still don’t have drinking water due to the mismanagement and decisions of Republican Governor Rick Snyder. Not the DACA recipients who followed the agreement we made with them, self-reported and now are being deported to countries they’ve never known. Not dead school children whom we have failed through our inaction on gun reform.

No, the REAL atrocity was Sarah Huckabee Sanders's feelings being wounded like she wounds truth and democracy the other 364 days a year. But it's not like this is the first time conservatives cried crocodile tears over a comedian's jokes at the WHCD. Here is Stephen Colbert in 2006 roasting George W. Bush (who at least had the balls to face it, unlike Trump):

No wonder you got booted out so quickly, Anthony. Thankfully, Michelle Wolf proves that last Saturday's fierceness was not an isolated incident by standing her ground on her jokes. 

So that does it for this week! I now enter my 6-day rest before I re-enter the Hellmouth of Sunday shows to bring you another cavalcade of morons. Until then:

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