Senate Republicans To Swift Boat John Kerry All Over Again, For Larfs

So Hillary Clinton is going to leave the State Department some day, and on that day the Great Impostor is going to need to find someone to replace her. Who else has the kind of 24-hour energy, common sense, and danciness to replace her? Maybe Ellen? No, not Ellen, Ellen can't get through the Senate, because she loves muff. But everybody has been talking about former total loser John Kerry for State, ever since he gave that DNC speech that was hilarious and did not suck, but now they are saying no, not State because that is where Susan Rice will lose her confirmation vote instead, but rather the Department of Defense instead, we guess? Because the Washington Post said so, and the Washington Post is the White House's "draft email folder" for sending Congress sexts.

What's up, Buzzfeed, will the million-term US Senator from Massachusetts be acceptable to his colleagues in that august body? Hahahah, fuck no.

The idea of Kerry heading up DoD was also questioned by Republicans, who warned the selection of the Vietnam veteran-turned-critic wouldn't be simple either.

"He'll run into a buzz saw of Vietnam vets" if Obama taps Kerry for the pentagon slot, a GOP aide said.

So a "GOP aide" has spoken, and so it shall be. Any Kerry confirmation hearings will now be exclusively about how the erstwhile war hero actually shot himself and then shot a naked fleeing boy in the back while trying to get out of country.

Here, cheer yourself up with that one time John Kerry didn't suck. It's fun!

In the meantime, Senate Republicans magnanimously allowed that they might confirm Donald Rumsfeld if Obama were to nominate him. But then again, they might not.

[ Buzzfeed ]