Senate Wants Trump Jr. And Paul Manafort To Testify About Every Russian They've Ever Met (And JILL STEIN?!)

We hope he looks this pretty next Wednesday.

HEY-O, GENTLE READERS, are you ready for some political must-see TV on the level of  the Super Bowl U.S. Open 1994 Lillehammer Winter Olympics Ladies' Figure Skating Finals Where Oksana Baiul Will Win The Gold Because Tonya Harding Broke Nancy Kerrigan's Legs And Made Her Cry? YOU ARE IN LUCK. (Maybe.) Next Wednesday, July 26, 2017, Donald Trump Jr. and Paul Manafort will be testifying publicly for the Senate Judiciary Committee, unless they run away and hide behind their moms like a couple of common pussies who need their mommies.

News broke late Wednesday that the Senate Judiciary Committee had very nicely invited Junior and Manafort to testify on foreign interference in U.S. American elections, probably because those guys are experts at letting foreigns interfere in U.S. American elections. The committee went ahead and put it on the schedule, because motherfuckers BETTER show up. The two men have not responded to the request, though. So maybe we will be spending Wednesday live-blogging the hearing, or maybe we will write about Vegan Buttholes like we usually do.

Senators Chuck Grassley and Dianne Feinstein, the chair and ranking member of the committee, obviously hope a motherfucker WOULD try to hide from testifying, and they are threatening subpoenas if those probably criminal weenuses don't comply. Grassley told CNN the men have been made aware of the possibility of a subpoena, and added that if they didn't comply with subpoenas, "then you have to have a marshal give it and that takes a little more time." You can run but you can't hide!

Of course, Chuck Grassley is a fucking moron and probably wants to use the hearing to try to exonerate the men completely. You see, Grassley thinks the (not discredited) Steele Pee Hooker dossier was a Democrat Dirty Trick made to entrap the Trump campaign into innocently and accidentally doing the nasty with Russia, which is probably why Glenn Simpson, co-founder of Fusion GPS, which hired that old spy Christopher Steele to look into nefarious connections between Trump and Russia, is also set to testify the same day.

Grassley and Feinstein are also politely demanding documents related to Junior's Russian Conspiracy Meeting, which was attended by all Russian spies living and dead, and which Manafort also attended. Additionally, they want records of all Trump campaign communications with a whole HOST of characters. Here's an excerpt from the letter sent to Fuckstump Junior:

That's broad! The first five names are from Junior's meeting. Alfa Group is the Russian bank that weird Trump organization server constantly communicated with. (Some people think that story was "debunked." It was not.) The Ritz Carlton in Moscow is where Donald Trump allegedly almost sexually drowned in Russian hooker pee. Then you see creep Trump thugs like Carter Page, Trump lawyer Michael "SAYS WHO?" Cohen, Corey Lewandowski, Michael Flynn and ... JILL FUCKING STEIN? Either they simply want documents related to everybody who got their picture made in Moscow at that RT gala in 2015 (remember, Stein sat at the table with Putin and Flynn), or her name is included because they've seen classified intelligence that suggests that Stein is #complicit. (We would not be surprised, to which the Editrix would like to add FUCKING CALLED IT.)

Presumably the committee wants documents about Trump contacts with British spy Christopher Steele, because, again, Chuck Grassley is a painfully stupid man who is high on his own supply of fuckjob GOP conspiracy theories.

The rest of the names are a bunch of Russians, from the Russian ambassador to a fuckton of the Russian names that appear in the (again, not discredited) Steele dossier. Maybe Grassley's plan is for the Trumpers to be like "WE AIN'T KNOW THEM," whereupon he will say, "WELL, THEN YOU ARE ALL OBVIOUSLY INNOCENT, THEREFORE THE DOSSIER IS A DIRTY DEMOCRAT TRICK BECAUSE I, CHUCK GRASSLEY, AM DUMBER THAN SARAH PALIN'S WET FARTS." Maybe Feinstein's plan is to let Grassley step on his own old balls with his "plan," because she knows a lot of the dossier is totally legit.

In other testifying news, Prince Jared of Kushner will be testifying in a closed session of the Senate Intelligence Committee on Monday, and Trump Junior's Russian lady lawyer pal Natalia Veselnitskaya says she's willing to testify in Congress too, as long as she's "guaranteed safety" for her and her family. Since members of the U.S. Congress aren't known for killing people in their sleep, we guess she means she wants to make sure she's protected from being murdered by her beloved homeland Russians, not that Russians related to this investigation have been turning up dead all the time whenever the Kremlin wants. We're sure she'll be fine.

Anyway, see you all Wednesday for our LIVEBLOGSTRAVAGANZA, unless Manafort decides to wash his hair that day and an inconsolable Junior drags his blanky screaming and crying to Mommy Ivana's house, throws himself on the ground and wraps his arms around her legs while shouting, "I'M NOT GOING AND YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"

It could happen.

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[ Politico ]